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Confusedandlabeled

Confusedandlabeled

Active member
Joined
Sep 26, 2018
Messages
28
Location
Uk
#1
I have been diagnosed with: antisocial personality disorder , narcissistic personality disorder , paranoid PD , borderline PD and sadistic personality traits . I scored 31 on the PCL-R checklist and these diagnosis were made when I was remanded in a medium secure hospital in York . I was found to be involved in a conspiracy to murder but luckily I got screened by two forensic psychiatrists who decided i'd get the help and possible rehabilitation in a hospital setting rather than in a prison . My issue is eventhough I've had extensive and intensive hospital and community psych help I still struggle with thoughts about violence , odd sexual thoughts (sadism), feeling a sense of relating to serial killers and even becoming aroused by them and their acts . I know what is legally right and wrong so i'm not planning to act on any thoughts of fantasies I am on here to see if I can get a little help. Will I think like this forever? I'm 33 now.
 
Last edited:
InfiniteRectangles

InfiniteRectangles

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
508
Location
Georgia, USA
#2
I'm sorry you are having these thoughts. I would suggest staying in therapy and finding ways to distract yourself from these intrusive/negative thoughts. One thing that helps me when I start having urges to hurt myself is to play an instrument or go for a walk or find some sort of distraction to take my mind off of it until the feelings subsides and the thoughts go away. If that doesn't work, maybe try telling yourself that these thoughts are irrational and you shouldn't give into them. It can be really hard not to give into certain urges, and that's why I use distractions so much. I really don't know if you will think that way forever, but maybe over time, if you stay in therapy and find ways to cope, the thoughts will become less strong and easier to handle.
 
Confusedandlabeled

Confusedandlabeled

Active member
Joined
Sep 26, 2018
Messages
28
Location
Uk
#3
Hi again

I try to distract myself but my interests just further my thoughts and desires. I get seen often by community nurse and forensic nurse from police liaison and diversion unit but they just won't go away as the things I am drawn to are on the TV everyday and basically a part of life today in general . I can't even sustain a relationship due to how I am nor friendships also my shrink told me 31 is rare for a female to score on the pcl-r as is an aspd diagnosis in general. I'm surrounded by things that worsen my disorder daily and the borderline and paranoid PD I have is causing my anxiety and fearful thoughts go through the roof . 😞 But people overlook that due to my forensic diagnosis
 
Saveliy

Saveliy

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2018
Messages
11
Location
United Kingdom
#4
It could be intrusive thoughts

have you heard of intrusive thoughts. They are so common with personality change. Sometimes thought and also emotions that do not accurately describe you arise. There are ways of dealing with them, and your distance from this clearly very deep and personal experience suggests that you do not altogether identify with it and this means it could be intrusive thoughts, which is a symptom, and there is measured action you can take.
 
Saveliy

Saveliy

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2018
Messages
11
Location
United Kingdom
#5
Wellness recovery action plans

Have you heard of Wellness Recovery Action Plans?
the app is at i-tunes and the play store but it is a pay app.
it is a great tool for working with your triggers and and your crisis management.
take a look, i never let mine far from my memory. and it has helped more than medication ever has. they are also available for free on pdf if you google it, but the app is much better
 
Confusedandlabeled

Confusedandlabeled

Active member
Joined
Sep 26, 2018
Messages
28
Location
Uk
#6
I have heard of intrusive thoughts yes but it has been ruled out as I enjoy the feelings I get from these thoughts I just know they would be illegal to carry out which deters me . Alot of my thoughts are very graphic to the point of requiring admission to a low secure setting until they feel the threat has passed . I know to many people I sound disgusting but I can't help thinking the way I do anymore than many people are aroused by regular porn or desiring other people .

As for my borderline and paranoid PD they're not due to my fantasies or anything like that .t just get annoyed at the fact that they're overlooked due to my more forensic past and disorders . Again I know what is legally right and wrong but to me my thoughts are not morally wrong however I've learned to accept that they disturb other people and make me seem risky but i'm very open and honest about them to the relevant people - police and forensic community team . But I do think they should take note of the borderline PD and paranoid PD as surely they could make my view on things worse? But your opinions and views on what I may actually be going through are welcome .
 
Confusedandlabeled

Confusedandlabeled

Active member
Joined
Sep 26, 2018
Messages
28
Location
Uk
#7
I take it I would need an I-phone? Is there anything similar on android?