• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hello! New and struggling with a unmotivated relative with bi-polar & depression.

D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Hello all.. My sister and I have never really gotten along. She's 3 years older and has always seemed to take the path most convenient for her "right now". After 12 years living with my mother (with her son who also has challenges and isn't properly cared for or held accountable), I invited them to move here about 2.5 years ago. The deal was she was to work towards her independence from day 1. From working on their mental health to moving out. But now I am dealing with the same lack of motivation. She won't seek mental health help for herself. She has a job, but isn't trying to move out. She spends her weekends at our enabling mother's, who refuses to see it as enabling. I know what I need to do, but doesn't make it any easier.
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Additionally, I have anxiety.. making this an oil and water situation. She won't take care of her responsibilities and after several failed attempts to communicate or motivate, I breakdown and feel completely paralyzed.

Thank you for listening,
Desperate for Peace in PA
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
4,795
Location
On a comet
Hello, welcome to the forums. I hope you find this place to be supportive and understanding.
 
Blooming

Blooming

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
531
Location
mycountry
:welcome: I don't know if I understand your situation. Did you invite your sister, mother and brother to come and live with you 2 1/2 years ago, or your sister only?

First of all, you cannot make anyone change if they don't want to. That goes for your sister, brother, mom and everyone else.

As far as I can understand your sister has got herself a job after she moved in whit you, but nothing more. First of all that is a great step toward independence. She needs to have your praise for that!

I don't think it is right to blame her for your low motivation. What may be wise is to sit down and say that perhaps the original agreement was not clear enough. Then list up what you expect from her for the next months.

A) To seek professional help.

B) To start looking for her own apartment.

C) Fill out with other ideas.

D) ...

E) ...

Make the whole agreement written and make it clear that you will set her on the street if she does not follow the agreement. Throw her out on the agreed date if she has got nothing for herself. This may seem hard, but some people have to learn in a hard way to understand.

When she knocks at your door after a night or two sleeping in the nearest park. Make a new agreement with her and tell her that if she breaks the new appointment,she has to stay out for one whole week. You have to decide when the door has to be closed for good for her.

But there is one "look out here": If she starts going to therapy and the progress is slow, she cannot help that.

By the way: What will you do to achieve your own motivation back? (Learn a new language, jogging in a park daily, check out a course in foreign food making or...). Every person has to take responsibility for their own health. That goes for you as well. ☺ Good luck with that!
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Hello @Blooming, thank you.

I apologize, I re-read and see it's not very clear. My sister and my nephew (her son) moved in with me 2.5 years ago. Prior to this, they had been living at my mother's. My mother reached her breaking point, but didn't set boundaries. So I invited my sister to move in here (with her son, of course.

My sister was working a job with no room for advancement for about 15 years. She quit just before moving up here, and I fully supported that decision. After a couple of trial & error positions, she landed herself an amazing position in a field where she is familiar and comfortable. I absolutely praised her for this and often remind her that she can do anything she sets her mind to.

It was a year ago, that I put together a binder for her. It consisted of packets I found from the web to help with self worth, daily habits, long and short term goals. I didn't just hand it to her. We sat down for hours and talked and worked through issues. I thought it was going to really help. It did, for about week.

I absolutely should have set a move-out date when she moved in. I feared the disappointment of still having to push her out to actually make it happen.

Legally, I have to go through the courts to make her leave. Even if I give her 30 days in writing and she doesn't leave, I have to then file a complaint in the court of common pleas to have her ejected. This could take several months and a lot of $$$. But the result I least look forward to is the broken relationships.

To help with my motivation, I am going to work on getting my routine back and not letting this consume my thoughts 24/7. :)

Thank you :)
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,786
Location
Nashua NH
Hello @Blooming, thank you.

I apologize, I re-read and see it's not very clear. My sister and my nephew (her son) moved in with me 2.5 years ago. Prior to this, they had been living at my mother's. My mother reached her breaking point, but didn't set boundaries. So I invited my sister to move in here (with her son, of course.

My sister was working a job with no room for advancement for about 15 years. She quit just before moving up here, and I fully supported that decision. After a couple of trial & error positions, she landed herself an amazing position in a field where she is familiar and comfortable. I absolutely praised her for this and often remind her that she can do anything she sets her mind to.

It was a year ago, that I put together a binder for her. It consisted of packets I found from the web to help with self worth, daily habits, long and short term goals. I didn't just hand it to her. We sat down for hours and talked and worked through issues. I thought it was going to really help. It did, for about week.

I absolutely should have set a move-out date when she moved in. I feared the disappointment of still having to push her out to actually make it happen.

Legally, I have to go through the courts to make her leave. Even if I give her 30 days in writing and she doesn't leave, I have to then file a complaint in the court of common pleas to have her ejected. This could take several months and a lot of $$$. But the result I least look forward to is the broken relationships.

To help with my motivation, I am going to work on getting my routine back and not letting this consume my thoughts 24/7. :)

Thank you :)
Have you talked with your sister about the possibility of her leaving? If she has this great job she must have money to support herself so it seems like you shouldn’t feel guilty about it as she would be able to pay for a place to stay. I would broach the subject with her casually, “Have you thought about a time that you might get your own place?”
It seems like starting a conversation about it should be expected by her on her and and couldn’t hurt. xo, j
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Have you talked with your sister about the possibility of her leaving? If she has this great job she must have money to support herself so it seems like you shouldn’t feel guilty about it as she would be able to pay for a place to stay. I would broach the subject with her casually, “Have you thought about a time that you might get your own place?”
It seems like starting a conversation about it should be expected by her on her and and couldn’t hurt. xo, j
Hello @JessisMe. Yes, we have definitely discussed her moving out. In February, I asked her where she was and she said she should have a place in a few months. That's now. Nothing has changed. She always has an excuse for everything she puts off and if she does acknowledge fault, it's an "I know," but then no action to follow. When she moved in, the agreement was a vague "couple of years".. When I put the binder together for her last year, it was due to her not saving her money, wasting her free time in her room or out of the house while neglecting responsibilities, and not having yet applied for housing assistance. Not only was she not doing her part to work towards moving out, she is also not keeping clean spaces or holding her son accountable to do the same. And I don't mean just clutter.. food and drink trash, damp clothes and towels. Just gross. Her son was stealing from us, urinating in bottles in his room and suffers from his own illness(s). Luckily, getting in trouble in school landed him in a great program where he is now in counseling and has made his own progress. :)

Any other person would have thrown her out by now. I haven't had the guts. I have allowed this to continue.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,786
Location
Nashua NH
Hello @JessisMe. Yes, we have definitely discussed her moving out. In February, I asked her where she was and she said she should have a place in a few months. That's now. Nothing has changed. She always has an excuse for everything she puts off and if she does acknowledge fault, it's an "I know," but then no action to follow. When she moved in, the agreement was a vague "couple of years".. When I put the binder together for her last year, it was due to her not saving her money, wasting her free time in her room or out of the house while neglecting responsibilities, and not having yet applied for housing assistance. Not only was she not doing her part to work towards moving out, she is also not keeping clean spaces or holding her son accountable to do the same. And I don't mean just clutter.. food and drink trash, damp clothes and towels. Just gross. Her son was stealing from us, urinating in bottles in his room and suffers from his own illness(s). Luckily, getting in trouble in school landed him in a great program where he is now in counseling and has made his own progress. :)

Any other person would have thrown her out by now. I haven't had the guts. I have allowed this to continue.
Wow this sounds AWFUL. How embarrassing that your sister would be behaving in this way. I agree with others that “tough love” is what is needed here. It sounds like your generosity is really being taken advantage of. Does she pay rent?
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Wow this sounds AWFUL. How embarrassing that your sister would be behaving in this way. I agree with others that “tough love” is what is needed here. It sounds like your generosity is really being taken advantage of. Does she pay rent?
The embarrassment she must feel is what makes the tough love so hard to dish out. I repeatedly give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she'll step up. No rent. We preferred her to save as much as she can. By now, she could have purchased a home. But she neglected her credit score and has blown a lot of what she could have been saving on nonsense.. $5 here.. $20 there and overspending on gifts. We had considered taking rent from her and saving it, but that's not helping her to learn how to save on her own. I have expressed to her that I feel taken advantage of, or taken for granted as a person / sister, even. She doesn't see it or isn't willing to change it. She just threw money in my face and offered to pay rent as if money was the issue or will solve it. I'm certain we will need a long, if not permanent break from one another after she moves.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,786
Location
Nashua NH
The embarrassment she must feel is what makes the tough love so hard to dish out. I repeatedly give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she'll step up. No rent. We preferred her to save as much as she can. By now, she could have purchased a home. But she neglected her credit score and has blown a lot of what she could have been saving on nonsense.. $5 here.. $20 there and overspending on gifts. We had considered taking rent from her and saving it, but that's not helping her to learn how to save on her own. I have expressed to her that I feel taken advantage of, or taken for granted as a person / sister, even. She doesn't see it or isn't willing to change it. She just threw money in my face and offered to pay rent as if money was the issue or will solve it. I'm certain we will need a long, if not permanent break from one another after she moves.
That’s so sad. No good deed....😞
 
Blooming

Blooming

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
531
Location
mycountry
The embarrassment she must feel is what makes the tough love so hard to dish out. I repeatedly give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that she'll step up. No rent. We preferred her to save as much as she can. By now, she could have purchased a home. But she neglected her credit score and has blown a lot of what she could have been saving on nonsense.. $5 here.. $20 there and overspending on gifts. We had considered taking rent from her and saving it, but that's not helping her to learn how to save on her own. I have expressed to her that I feel taken advantage of, or taken for granted as a person / sister, even. She doesn't see it or isn't willing to change it. She just threw money in my face and offered to pay rent as if money was the issue or will solve it. I'm certain we will need a long, if not permanent break from one another after she moves.
To me this sounds like she doesn't care. I mean it seems like she has a lack of stable inner borders (and persaps allways will be so). This will probably be hard for you. May be you yourself need a neutral person to talk to, a Counsellor or perhaps a Therapist. To be able to put all these burdens in the "lap" of a professional will make it more easy to make a plan for her moving out. She can rent a home. She does not have to buy one. Since there probably will be a fight when she has to move out, it will be helpful to have a neutral person on your side after she has moved out as well.

Just some thoughts ...

Whatever you decide, I wish you well! :hug1:
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
To me this sounds like she doesn't care. I mean it seems like she has a lack of stable inner borders (and persaps allways will be so). This will probably be hard for you. May be you yourself need a neutral person to talk to, a Counsellor or perhaps a Therapist. To be able to put all these burdens in the "lap" of a professional will make it more easy to make a plan for her moving out. She can rent a home. She does not have to buy one. Since there probably will be a fight when she has to move out, it will be helpful to have a neutral person on your side after she has moved out as well.

Just some thoughts ...

Whatever you decide, I wish you well! :hug1:
I am convinced lack of care is present, as well. It's my knowledge of her mental illness that holds me back from setting the healthy boundaries. You're correct. I should and will be seeking a professional to help me through this. Thank you for your support!
 
T

tracyyewdale

Active member
Joined
Mar 24, 2020
Messages
28
Location
USA
Greetings! Welcome to the forum. It's always difficult to deal with family issues' However, I've always been a person to think that everything should be dealt with proper communication. Let's say that she should know what to do, and you don't have to reiterate that to her. But we never know what's inside her. Regardless of how your relationship is with her, it's still your moral obligation to reach out to her with compassion.
 
D

desperateforpeace

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
13
Location
In my head.
Greetings! Welcome to the forum. It's always difficult to deal with family issues' However, I've always been a person to think that everything should be dealt with proper communication. Let's say that she should know what to do, and you don't have to reiterate that to her. But we never know what's inside her. Regardless of how your relationship is with her, it's still your moral obligation to reach out to her with compassion.
Thank you for the welcome! You are of course correct, and don't disagree at all. My concern / compassion for her, her feelings and mental health is why I have allowed this to continue. I have been sacrificing my boundaries for her comfort. And each time I approach to discuss an issue, she gets defensive and makes excuses. I.E.... I asked her to help take care of the little boxes (she came with a messy cat) and to not send her son to do it unless she is going to teach him how, because he wasn't efficiently and leaving the floor a mess or not scooping completely. She continued to send him to do it and not check or help him. I ask a second time nd explain .. she still continues to do the same. I then get upset and angry, but then it quickly turns to empathy and I let it go and she carries on wasting her time. I can't deny I haven't been angry or yelled and believe me I am ashamed and quickly apologized. I absorb the emotions of those around me. It's easier to cope if I'm the only one who's upset. But then it builds up and I explode. It's been this same cycle. But no matter how I approach her, I seem to get the same result unfortunately. But yes, I work very hard to push down my negative feelings. To me, the first thing that mattered was that she's my sister and we are supposed to love and care for each other. I'm only now accepting that she might actually be toxic for me and that I need a significant amount of space from her.

Thank you for the reminder to be compassionate :)
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
Daniel4705 Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 8
miss_sensitivity Quick hello to you all Introduce Yourself 5
90s_cat Hello, new here! Introduce Yourself 3
A Hello I am Anser Introduce Yourself 7
MillGuard Hello I guess Introduce Yourself 6
G New here ...hello Introduce Yourself 5
T Hello Introduce Yourself 15
Daisybell Hello new member here 🙂 Introduce Yourself 7
Lexara Hello Introduce Yourself 11
Pithers1971GB Hello. Introduce Yourself 14
E Hello Introduce Yourself 3
C Hello all! Introduce Yourself 4
M Hello Introduce Yourself 10
D Hello Introduce Yourself 73
A Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 9
TigerGirlx Hello new around here Introduce Yourself 9
B Hello Introduce Yourself 10
J Hello Introduce Yourself 6
S Hello. Could use some advice Introduce Yourself 13
A Hello, I am new here Introduce Yourself 4
F Hello, I'm new. Introduce Yourself 5
carlita Hello (Introduction) Introduce Yourself 5
F Hello Introduce Yourself 4
J Hello hello! Introduce Yourself 3
I Hello Introduce Yourself 6
Midnightstorm Hello my fellow humans. Introduce Yourself 4
S Hello Introduce Yourself 4
C hello from Indonesia Introduce Yourself 8
Lost and confused Hello Introduce Yourself 4
C hello Introduce Yourself 5
B Hello all Introduce Yourself 17
U Hello out there fellow travelers! Introduce Yourself 4
J Hello everyone. I overdosed. Feeling stupid now Introduce Yourself 24
Mirrors Hello... :( Introduce Yourself 3
K Hello one and all! Looking forward to being part of this community as a long term sufferer of depression and retired mental health nurse. Introduce Yourself 11
StrugglingToForget Hello Introduce Yourself 3
W Hello! Introduce Yourself 6
M Hello Introduce Yourself 7
B Hello out there Introduce Yourself 6
L Hello Introduce Yourself 5
Broken80 A quick hello... Introduce Yourself 5
S hello Introduce Yourself 6
R Hello new here and My brain hurts Introduce Yourself 4
B Hello newbie here Introduce Yourself 3
R Hello Introduce Yourself 2
D Hello humans Introduce Yourself 6
F Hello all, i need help Introduce Yourself 4
pillowskyscrapers Hello all :) Introduce Yourself 7
S Hello Introduce Yourself 11
N Hello everyone.! Introduce Yourself 13

Similar threads

Top