• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hello, never joined a forum before, so away we go...

  • Thread starter CaesarNaples1970
  • Start date
C

CaesarNaples1970

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Maryland/Virginia
Hello. I am a 50 year old married man (2nd marriage) who was struggled with depression, anxiety, hypo mania, bi polar, at one point I believed that I may even suffer from borderline personality disorder. I guess my approach, even to mental illness is, go big or go home.

My most recent episode of extreme depression started around the summer of 2019, and continued through the fall of 2020. In March of 2020, I left my wife, who is disabled, to move back to Maryland. I left her the week before COVID caused everything, or most everything, in America to shut done. Certainly not one of my proudest moments, but I was too selfish while in my fog of depression to see beyond my own troubles and sadness.

I was out of work from March 2020 until I found a job in late July of 2020. Once I found this job and was able to get back on health insurance, I decided that I needed to either die, vanish, or take steps necessary to get better for myself and for the people who truly loved me, especially my current wife. She continued to remind me how much she cared about me, even after I did the absolutely most awful thing to her when I decided to leave her right before a pandemic. Most women would leave after I forgot to take out the trash too many times, or pick up milk at the store, or some things like these.

So, I get an appointment with a psychiatrist who puts be on Wellbutrin and Hydroxyzine for anxiety. Within days, it seemed, I was feeling better. Within weeks, I felt like I was getting back to my old self. The heavy blanket of depression was lifted, my anxiety was completely gone. My wife and I decided to try and work things out. Everything was great. In September 2020, I even got a new job close to our apartment in Virginia so we could spend time together as we tried to work things out. Some weeks, I would be with her 4 or 5 nights a week. It was wonderful. We felt like we were dating again and my new job was fantastic.

Fast forward to today, well November, December 2020, anyway. As I kept taking my meds, I noticed that my depression was gone, but I was getting a little aggressive. For instance, I was driving faster and more erratically then I had driven since probably my twenties. Worse than this, I was losing my patience with people very quickly. I would do this to everyone...my wife, my parents, my coworkers. When I asked my psych about this problem, they put me on Lamotrigine, which, as she explained, is supposed to be a mood stabilizer.

The Lamotrigine is not only NOT stabilizing me, it's making my aggressive behavior much, much worse. My wife and I got into a fight on NYE of all nights, and then got into more fights as the weekend went on. Every time, I would latch on to something she would say and go absolutely berserk. Yelling and screaming, sometimes even calling her names. She suffers from mental illness as well and I even called her a "psycho" a few times. Yes, total jerk. No, not proud. I also decided, this past weekend to hand in my resignation letter to the job I had loved so much on Saturday, to start a new job yesterday. I did these things without telling my wife until AFTER I did what I did. So, naturally any trust I had built up when I came back is now destroyed again. She calls me often and she's crying and scared and I don't blame her.

So, after this wordy story...sorry about that...I do NOT want to lose my wife. She is perfectly imperfect to me and I am perfectly imperfect to her. We have always been accepting of each other and our mental illness and her physical issues that make her unable to work. We have always, or had always, accepted and loved each other for who we were. Since our first date/non-date we both knew we would be a good fit.

I want to know if anyone has experienced this extreme aggression after being placed on a medication to help with depression. Especially if someone has had a similar experience with Wellbutrin. In the past, whenever I got on any medication to help with depression, I would get hypo manic at times, but I never remember myself getting so aggressive and, at times, even hateful towards the people I love. I've even screamed at my elderly Italian mother. It's horrible. I do it, and then I feel awful, and then apologize. But all that is not enough, I still caused this person, much pain. Even if they don't outwardly express it, I still hurt them.

If anyone can please help, or talk, or something. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I am actually to the point where I'm wondering if depressed me is a better option than monster me, but I know I can find a happy medium. I hope.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I wish you all a great night.
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
748
Location
Clearwater, Florida
Hello CaesarNaples1970! So sorry to hear you are going through all this. You sound like a great guy with a great wife. All I can think of is going back to your psychiatrist and tell him what's happening. You probably just need different medicine. Yes, a happy medium!
 
Barny67

Barny67

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
308
Location
Middlesbrough
Hiya, I get aggressive a lot these days, I keep a lid on it when I can. I do feel that handing out drugs at the answers we look for is a bad thing, I’m suprised they don’t ask us to take notes on how we feel on This One. It’s hit & miss with all depression meds, I had amazing highs on mine but it would switch to mad aggression. I hate it ppl don’t know who I am anymore. I hope you & your wife find the peace and happiness you long for. Tc
 
C

CaesarNaples1970

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Maryland/Virginia
Hiya, I get aggressive a lot these days, I keep a lid on it when I can. I do feel that handing out drugs at the answers we look for is a bad thing, I’m suprised they don’t ask us to take notes on how we feel on This One. It’s hit & miss with all depression meds, I had amazing highs on mine but it would switch to mad aggression. I hate it ppl don’t know who I am anymore. I hope you & your wife find the peace and happiness you long for. Tc
This is exactly what I am experiencing. I was put on Wellbutrin after my latest depressive episode back in 2020. The depression lifted almost immediately. Then, I became manic and with it came aggression initially, which has now turned to blind rage. I do things now that I don't even recall doing. Thank you for sharing. I do believe a journal/notes would be a great help. Good look to you, my friend. RN
 
C

CaesarNaples1970

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Maryland/Virginia
Hello CaesarNaples1970! So sorry to hear you are going through all this. You sound like a great guy with a great wife. All I can think of is going back to your psychiatrist and tell him what's happening. You probably just need different medicine. Yes, a happy medium!
Thank you!
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
5,310
Location
Norway
Hi CaesarNaples welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,936
Sorry I have only just seen this thread... I'm no Health Professional, but I wonder if you have explained everything you have mentioned here to your wife, so that she understands you, and the current situation etc. :hug:
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
T Hello, i.m jen and i.m new i.ve never done anything like this, i was diagnosed with bpd a couple of years ago and i really struggle. Introduce Yourself 8
T hello Introduce Yourself 10
M Hello Introduce Yourself 4
S Hello lovely people :) Introduce Yourself 7
C Hello Introduce Yourself 2
C Hello Introduce Yourself 3
Marrex Hello Forum World! Introduce Yourself 7
S Hello Im Sarah Introduce Yourself 10
G Hello to all, and thank you. Introduce Yourself 9
L Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 6
T Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 5
H Hello Introduce Yourself 3
iRRelevant Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 15
U Hello, there! Introduce Yourself 6
Y hello. Introduce Yourself 3
A Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 10
B hello! Introduce Yourself 2
T Hello Introduce Yourself 2
J Hello Introduce Yourself 2
MeAndMyDepression Hello, I'm new here Introduce Yourself 3
S Hello, new here! Introduce Yourself 4
F hello! I'm Flower96 Introduce Yourself 4
T Hello! Introduce Yourself 6
Tambam2021 Hello help!! Introduce Yourself 7
Rise_Above04 Hello Introduce Yourself 4
S Hello ! Introduce Yourself 4
gay cotard Hello there Introduce Yourself 10
R Hello.... Introduce Yourself 3
Z Hello Introduce Yourself 4
L Hello Introduce Yourself 4
A hello Introduce Yourself 2
M Hello Introduce Yourself 3
M Hello i am a new member Introduce Yourself 7
A Hello fellow people! Introduce Yourself 13
H Hello there forum friends :) Introduce Yourself 13
N Hello Everyone! Introduce Yourself 3
A Hello Introduce Yourself 5
H Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 5
gray_catriss hello! Introduce Yourself 4
P hello everyone - new girl on forum trigger warning. Introduce Yourself 18
L Hello to all. Introduce Yourself 6
N New to forum. Hello Everybody Introduce Yourself 7
Sissy2021 Hello I'm new here Introduce Yourself 26
J Hello Introduce Yourself 5
K Hello Introduce Yourself 3
S Hello I am new Introduce Yourself 6
P Hello everyone Introduce Yourself 12
S Hello Introduce Yourself 10
E Hello Introduce Yourself 3
S Hello I’m Sasha Introduce Yourself 5

Similar threads

Top