Hello, need some help+advice please, with someone......

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chaffinch

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#1
Hi,

This may take some time as the story has got a bit involved.

Are there peeps out there that might be able to help me?







TIA
 
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chaffinch

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#3
Hi again thanks for the quick response.

Sorry about the abbreviation, a bad habit from another forum......meant as Thanks In Advance.


Right it goes like this.

The only way of doing this is (rough) chronological order.

I'm male, early 50s by the way.

I came out of a toxic job situation just over 2 years ago and enrolled on a self help group in a local town.

I "met" a lady there (amongst many of course) who seemed to want to be friendly. All seemed fine at first.


I was there for stress issues (putting it very simply) and she had just come out of an unhappy marriage (two grown kids).

WE can probably fast forward 12 months or so during which I tried to support this lady, private messaging on facebook A LOT ......I mean it was getting to be 3 or 4 hours an evening sometimes. Also texting during the day.

During this time I became aware of a lot of intense emotions on her part; a lot of jealousy towards other facebook friends; she was accusing me of dropping my conversations with her in favour of others. etc etc.

During this time I made the BIG mistake of telling her of a club I was joined to.(ie trusting her with the information)

Bearing in mind the sheer volume of time I was spending on facebook etc I asked her not to join the club.

After 18 months I admit I was reaching saturation point with the pm'ing thing. The lady dropped the bomb shell that she was intending to join my club (which of course Id asked her not to). I made it quite plain that if she did it would end good relations between us.

(NB I had also been giving her tuition in photography which she wanted to start)

(NB2 I forgot to mention she used me as a reference with the club leader, despite .....obviously.....knowing my opinion on her joining)

I was thus less than impressed when she had indeed joined the club......... there was no way she would have known about it if I hadn't mentioned it. I blocked her facebook account immediatatly.

I have told the club leader of what has happened and he has promised to keep us separate, which is little comfort to me.

Although I've tried to keep this brief, There was a LOT there was a concerning me at various times and I suspect (on her part) now, a mixture of Border line Personality Disorder, Histrionic PD and fair bit of Narcissistic PD.

So, what do I do now?

I have two sets of advice (bearing in mind I'm still not very well myself)


1) one lady has said to keep going and ignore her.

2) the lady is being clingy and as long as I go she will too....... any attention etc is better than no attention.


She was always very , very envious of my friendship with the club leader and suspect one of her goals is to damage that, certainly to disrupt my enjoyment of the club.



So, bearing in mind I haven't been much (to the club) in the last year or so because of "where I am"(which she is well aware of course).....so my position is weakened as far as that is concerned (which the lady also knows ). Do I lay low for another year.........or continue to go and try to ignore her?




HELP!!!!! I've got two lots of advice!!
 
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chaffinch

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#4
The lady is her late 50s.

When she announced she was joining this club, after fair bit of thought I went ot the extent of writing to her parents, stating what had happened and that I would no longer be able to support her.

That letter got passed onto her sister, who was good enough to inform me that she hadn't lived with her parents for about 12 months.

Thus, tales of her what her Mum and Dad were doing were all complete fabrication.

I had also spent much time trying to find alternative accommodation for her. Complete time wasting when I have my tasks to do......

More and more of what I have been told in that period......by the lady......has been proved to be less than the truth.





So....... basically I tried to be nice to her and she has taken advantage?
 
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BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#5
Hi Chaffinch

I'd keep going.

I know it will be difficult in the beginning, but only the beginning

She will probably fall away if you attend then ignore her...or, she may focus on someone else who shows her attention instead of you

JMO
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#7
Ok, 1 for keep going.
chaffinch -

What EXACTLY are you afraid of with this situation?

What's the Worst Case Scenario if you keep attending and so does she?
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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#9
Good question.

I don't want to get sucked back into her dramas.

She is very, very plausible.
OK so this is what I'm reading;

Its your OWN boundaries you mistrust. (mine are woeful too)

However - You know you can withstand her, you've already shown you can (y)

She'll find another victim trust me - once you start practicing Healthy Boundaries you are far less vulnerable to emotional vampires

If its not her itll be someone else attempting to latch on and feed - these people smell the vulnerable

I get them too

A lot of folks are gaping black holes of Need who find and locate Kind People to give them Emotional Support

If you don't feed her she will find someone else who will

dont stop doing something you enjoy bc of her

I bet her commitment levels are very fragile - she'll drop away before long anyway if she doesn't get the narcissistic supply she's after from you or anyone else.

All the best

BDU
 
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chaffinch

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#10
It is also case that I wanted to enjoy the club with friends that I know and trust, which is no longer the case with this lady.

I feel she has abused my trust (and friendship) once. I presume there for she could do it again.

As I say, she sacrificed the camera tuition in pursuit of my friends using me as a stepping stone on the way.
 
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chaffinch

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#11
OK so this is what I'm reading;

Its your OWN boundaries you mistrust. (mine are woeful too)

However - You know you can withstand her, you've already shown you can (y)

She'll find another victim trust me - once you start practicing Healthy Boundaries you are far less vulnerable to emotional vampires

Ok, that's something to look at, thanks.


If its not her itll be someone else attempting to latch on and feed - these people smell the vulnerable

I get them too

A lot of folks are gaping black holes of Need who find and locate Kind People




Thank you.




to give them Emotional Support

If you don't feed her

How do I avoid that, then?


she will find someone else who will

dont stop doing something you enjoy bc of her

I bet her commitment levels are very fragile


That's what the (other) lady at the club said



- she'll drop away before long anyway if she doesn't get the narcissistic supply she's after from you or anyone else.

All the best

BDU
 
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chaffinch

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#12
Hi Chaffinch

I'd keep going.

I know it will be difficult in the beginning, but only the beginning

She will probably fall away if you attend then ignore her...or, she may focus on someone else who shows her attention instead of you

JMO

Thanks again, real food for thought after being bothered by this for some time. She appeared to have the thing sewn up and who wouldn't believe a petite ~60 year old lady.....?

My boss ( I do vol work at a local museum) knows the broad story; retired now he was an occupational therapist for a major car manufacturer, a trained Doctor. He was quite adamant a) she is dangerous b) I should avoid "at all costs"..


It's interesting that you have repeated....... almost word for word...... what the (helpful) lady at the club said.
 
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