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Hello! My Story! Trigger warning!

T

Tontine

New member
Joined
Nov 14, 2021
Messages
1
Location
NSW Australia
I am a 49 year old wife and mother of 2 daughters (21 & 18 years). I don’t want to be here anymore but I am too scared to die. My Husband lost his first wife to cancer and my daughters have lost all their Grandparents. My Mum died 5 years ago and their paternal Grandparents died in May and September of this year (non Covid related). So I couldn’t do it to either of them. I woke up thismorning and again my first thought was “would anyone even miss me if I didn’t wake up”. I have a great relationship with my husband and both daughters. I have extremely high anxiety, PTSD, and a couple of chronic health conditions. I hate life, I always seem to be there for everyone else even at a cost to myself, but when I need someone, everyone is busy. My only sister bleeds me dry financially but then says I’m the one full of drama. She has borrowed around $20,000 in the past 5 years but heaven help me if I remind her of her repayments. She smokes, drinks and lives beyond her means. She doesn’t acknowledge my medical conditions which are debilitating. It’s all about her. My husband is one who puts everyone else first and “us” last. We are going away with friends in January and a conversation came up and his reply was “oh if *Amy* doesn’t feel good about it, we’ll do something to change it” damn *Amy* I don’t feel good about it (for medical reasons) but hey I don’t rate. I have a job for 2 hours of an afternoon (reception) but I can’t even go in - I “just can’t” do it. My boss has been really good, but I’ve told her to find someone else, my medical makes me too unreliable. My husbands family hates me “I married their father”. My mother didn’t talk to her sister and therefore there is no relationship there either. My sister thinks it’s good for us to have to attend her kids birthdays etc but she never shows up for my Girls. Her 5 are 22,21,19,5,1. I am sick of being used. I done! I don’t live in a major city so Counsellor’s aren’t an option out here. I can’t travel either. Not that I like Counsellor’s. I’ve seen them on and off throughout life. I was sexually assaulted by neighbours kids when were aged 10 years, it was “a game” they played with us when they’d come over, they were boys and girls. I was raped 3 times when I was 11 years old by a “family friend” in a position of power. Then my step father sexually assaulted me from 11-13 years. My first marriage was DV - I stayed until the girls were old enough to understand. I developed an unhealthy relationship with food where I will eat myself to the point of vomiting to make myself unattractive and so no one would come near me. I don’t have a healthy opinion of males - except my husband who has been a friend for 30+ years. I am an empath who feels everything very deeply. I don’t say things cause they might hurt someone, I don’t do things because they might hurt people. I am tired, I am weak, I need my Mum. Life is exhausting. I don’t want to be here but I’m too scared to die.
 
Avolitionist

Avolitionist

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 24, 2020
Messages
1,539
Location
USA
Hello and welcome :)
 
N

Nada

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Belgrade
You don't have to hate life because bad things happened, because bad people happened. You are not guilty. You are awesome. You've survived it all, you need to hug that little girl in yourself and tell her that everything will be ok. Life is a blessing. Love yourself, admire yourself, remind yourself how special you are, because you are. Shit happens all the time, but its only up to us how we gonna look at life, as a gift or as a curse. I understand how you feel, I've been there.. No one is going to save you from you. Wish you to heal and shine 💗
 
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