• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hello - Just looking for advice/insight.

M

Mr_TambourineMan

New member
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
Hello,


It’s taken me a lot to post on here, going through a really bad time mentally at the moment and just wanted to get it out there (I find it incredibly difficult to speak about how I feel in person), I’m not expecting a diagnosis or anything just maybe see if anyone recognises this or has any advice really.


I’m a 31 year old male, have a degree, job (not my dream job but it’s ok) and a girlfriend. I’ve gotten through life okay up to now, but I’ve always known I’ve been a little different to others and it’s really exploded of late. The main thing I’ve always had, since I can remember, is obsessional thoughts. Now, as a child and until recently these weren’t always a big problem because I enjoyed them as they were about things I enjoyed thinking about. In particular, from an early age I fantasied about being a footballer, like many kids I assume but this was a different level, I would literally think about every element of a career, writing down how many games played every season, goals scored etc. This has carried on all my life, I would think about it nearly all the time, creating new careers every week or so and writing them down on my laptop. I’ve done similar things for ‘dream careers’ as a cricket, boxer, musician etc. Sometimes, although not as much as I used to, when I’m in the midst of these fantasies I would flap my hands around (I’ve never told anyone about this, I feel so ashamed) which I’ve read is often a sign of autism? It’s never been uncontrollable, I don’t do it publicly but this has been my life for as long as I can remember. It has never caused me massive stress because as I say, the thoughts weren’t causing me pain or distress, but it was obsessive, I would think about it at work, at home, in bed…..as if I am always somewhere else. Now, about a year ago I tried to consciously stop this. Try to be more ‘in the moment’, now the thoughts about sport etc have subsided but they’ve been replaced by darker thoughts, rumination, anxiety and depression. I constantly worry about my health, sexuality, future and can’t seem to get out of it.

In terms of my personality, I worry that I have some disorder there too. As a child I remember being quite cruel at times (another thing I think about a lot, my poor behaviour in the past) and intolerant of disagreement. I have gotten better over the years though. I spend a hell of a lot time online, particularly forums and often end up in arguments, which can leave me in an incredibly agitated state. Often I feel anxious around other people, insecure even but other times I feel like a king, over the top and arrogant. I can become emotional at the slightest thing, a storyline in a show where someone dies or a love story can make me cry. There are brief moments of clarity, when I feel ok, just a regular person and calm but there are few and far between. It often feels as if I am battling against myself, my mind is constantly negative about myself and everything around me. I am cynical about everything now, but I feel deep down as if this not the real me.

Can’t really go without talking about sex when it comes to psychology can we. Growing up I found intimacy difficult, I could barely speak to girls who I found attractive and overcompensated by often being a loud mouth lout. From the age of 11 I was watching a lot of porn, which has continued until very recently and I worry that has impacted my sex life/overall mental health too. I am able to enjoy intimacy at times, but it’s like I can never relax. I always have something on my mind and it’s really starting to destroy my life now.

As I said before, I do have moments where I feel like I’m here, like I am ok and can be a happy, decent human being. That’s what makes me sadder, it feels like I’m trapped inside my own brain at times and wasting myself. Sorry for the length, thank you for reading, appreciate any comments.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,762
Location
Canada
Welcome to the forum, Tambourine Man (from the old Dylan song?). I've got obsessive thinking too, have had for like 30 years since I was a uni student. Comes and goes, guess I've had long stretches where it was not an issue, then other times where it's annoying for sure but doesn't affect my functioning much, they're just thoughts and I don't really have any compulsion part. Just stuff about the past, and fantasy; it's an anxiety issue I suppose.
 
tabris

tabris

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Joined
Mar 13, 2021
Messages
125
Location
United States
Hello and welcome. I relate to a lot of your symptoms, particularly agitation in childhood and rich fantasy life that brings me happiness but is also downright obsessive. These issues stem from my ADHD - obviously I wouldn't be able to tell if you have this or not because a lot of these symptoms can come from other issues or could be multiple. The hand flapping is something I do too and I am not autistic. It being "controllable" in public is fairly common. It's called masking which is just hiding symptoms of ADHD/autism because they are not considered socially acceptable. Once again, don't know if you have ADHD or autism but if you did this would make sense. I hope you can some day reach out for professional help if you haven't yet. I think it could really do you some good to put a name to what you may be feeling. I know it did for me. We are here for you ❤
 
M

Mr_TambourineMan

New member
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
Hello and welcome. I relate to a lot of your symptoms, particularly agitation in childhood and rich fantasy life that brings me happiness but is also downright obsessive. These issues stem from my ADHD - obviously I wouldn't be able to tell if you have this or not because a lot of these symptoms can come from other issues or could be multiple. The hand flapping is something I do too and I am not autistic. It being "controllable" in public is fairly common. It's called masking which is just hiding symptoms of ADHD/autism because they are not considered socially acceptable. Once again, don't know if you have ADHD or autism but if you did this would make sense. I hope you can some day reach out for professional help if you haven't yet. I think it could really do you some good to put a name to what you may be feeling. I know it did for me. We are here for you ❤
Thanks so much. ADHD is definitely something I think it might be, I am generally ok in social situations so that leans me against autism but who knows. Have you been treated for it, has it helped?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
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7,698
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Nashua NH
Welcome to the forums Mr. Tambourineman xo, j
 
tabris

tabris

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2021
Messages
125
Location
United States
Thanks so much. ADHD is definitely something I think it might be, I am generally ok in social situations so that leans me against autism but who knows. Have you been treated for it, has it helped?
I have not yet but I am going to soon hopefully. I was just about to start up school again when I got diagnosed and I didn't want to start a medication because it may have caused a lot of bad side effects while I was trying to do work. My last medication was like that for the first couple months. Being diagnosed however made everything make sense. ADHD is different for everyone, I personally have the inattentive type so it took me a lot longer to get diagnosed. A lot of people see ADHD as only hyperactive, I have some hyperactive tendencies but not enough to be noticeable. Plus I unconsciously got really good at masking. Two very obvious symptoms of ADHD that I experienced my whole life without knowing they were caused by it were hyperfixation and feeling like participating in anything (even stuff I know I enjoy) was a chore or physically painful to do. Hyperfixation is like these periods in your life where you get sucked into an interest (could be a music group, TV show, animal, book, pretty much anything) for a period of time and you just cannot stop thinking about it no matter what you do because it's the only thing that brings you joy. This is typically what makes me do the hand flapping stuff because thinking about my hyperfixation sends jolts of happy energy through my body. Not every person with ADHD has hyperfixation but it is a very obvious sign so have you ever experienced periods like that? Being unable to take part in even things you enjoy seems like a symptom of just depression, and it can be, but ADHD and depression often overlap anyway. Do you spend a lot of time doing stuff that isn't really productive or enjoyable but it's just easier for you because it requires little to no thought? Sorry if this is a long post, I'm trying to see if this might help you narrow it down. Sometimes when you just look up the overall symptoms of ADHD they can be too general to pin it down as that. Talking to people who also had ADHD helped me realize I probably had it and needed to try and get diagnosed. We are all different but there are certain things that we can kind of all can relate to.
 
M

Mr_TambourineMan

New member
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Liverpool
I have not yet but I am going to soon hopefully. I was just about to start up school again when I got diagnosed and I didn't want to start a medication because it may have caused a lot of bad side effects while I was trying to do work. My last medication was like that for the first couple months. Being diagnosed however made everything make sense. ADHD is different for everyone, I personally have the inattentive type so it took me a lot longer to get diagnosed. A lot of people see ADHD as only hyperactive, I have some hyperactive tendencies but not enough to be noticeable. Plus I unconsciously got really good at masking. Two very obvious symptoms of ADHD that I experienced my whole life without knowing they were caused by it were hyperfixation and feeling like participating in anything (even stuff I know I enjoy) was a chore or physically painful to do. Hyperfixation is like these periods in your life where you get sucked into an interest (could be a music group, TV show, animal, book, pretty much anything) for a period of time and you just cannot stop thinking about it no matter what you do because it's the only thing that brings you joy. This is typically what makes me do the hand flapping stuff because thinking about my hyperfixation sends jolts of happy energy through my body. Not every person with ADHD has hyperfixation but it is a very obvious sign so have you ever experienced periods like that? Being unable to take part in even things you enjoy seems like a symptom of just depression, and it can be, but ADHD and depression often overlap anyway. Do you spend a lot of time doing stuff that isn't really productive or enjoyable but it's just easier for you because it requires little to no thought? Sorry if this is a long post, I'm trying to see if this might help you narrow it down. Sometimes when you just look up the overall symptoms of ADHD they can be too general to pin it down as that. Talking to people who also had ADHD helped me realize I probably had it and needed to try and get diagnosed. We are all different but there are certain things that we can kind of all can relate to.
This all does chime with my experiences. I think some of my behavioural/mood issues might stem from the fact I can’t ever seem to find peace in my mind. I will go and see someone, it could change everything.
 
MoonShapedPool

MoonShapedPool

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Lancashire
Hey 👋
I am not far from Liverpool..Hope you find some Support here :welcome:
 
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