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Hello. I'm Ralani1053

V

Violet 123

Former member
I just joined and I'm looking forward to healing with all of you. I've been in the same dilemma for more than 20 years. I just wanted to know from anyone's perspective if you have a similar experience.

I have a brother who, for years followed me to a city I moved to knowing that he can't stand living there. He's moved back and forth between (where I live) and then back to his home province miles away (where the rest of my family is). He's done this a total of six times in the last twenty years with the exact same explanation. He doesn't advance or move forward. He'll get a place and maybe a job, then leave because he's bored. When he leaves he'll say he's definitely not returning. Then after a few months he'll say the same about where he's living and on and on it goes ... for twenty years. I somehow feel in my gut that this is one of those Crab-in-the-Bucket scenarios that's in play. The reason why I say that is because once when he was in the hospital for High Blood Pressure and was about to be released, he took one look at me and said, "Now it's your turn." That is when I knew he meant no good for me. I find he behaves like this everytime he feels that I am moving forward. The rest of the family expect me to go along with his behavior but I feel like I'm being stalked. Any ideas?
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. I have never experienced anything like that myself or heard of it before. What does he say is his reason for doing this? It seem bizarre doesn't it? Has he made any friends or had relationships? I'm not sure that you are being stalked so much as being seen as a steadying force in his life.
 
V

Violet 123

Former member
He is 50 plus years old. He quits jobs and leaves where he's renting yearly to move in with my mother in her senior building. It's hard to explain but if you've never experienced it, that's okay. I feel stalked because he is not someone who is encouraging and when he senses that I am satisfied with my life, he tries to block. Why move to a place you absolutely hate and know is not for you which is what he claims all the time. I mentioned the crab-in-the-bucket. I moved away from my family for a reason and one keeps trying to drag me back in the bucket. It's just how I feel. Very frustrating.
 
B

basil and oregano

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The only way to find the answer is to look within yourself. How do you honestly feel about your brother? What is the first thing that comes to mind when you see him? Do you feel comfortable in his presence? Do you like being in the same room or area with him? Do you enjoy spending time together, or making plans?

If not, if something inside you is pushing you away from him or telling you to guard yourself, then there's likely a reason.

Obviously I am taking a shot in the dark, as I am a complete stranger to the situation. I don't want to make your relationship with your brother worse.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Hello Ralani1053, welcome to the forum.
 
V

Violet 123

Former member
Yes, Basil and Oregano, I do feel guarded and uncomfortable around him with reason. He's not a safe person mentally, emotionally or even physically. But he puts on kindness whenever he talks about moving closer. Always. Thank you for your kind perception.
 
V

Violet 123

Former member
:welcome: to the forum. I have never experienced anything like that myself or heard of it before. What does he say is his reason for doing this? It seem bizarre doesn't it? Has he made any friends or had relationships? I'm not sure that you are being stalked so much as being seen as a steadying force in his life.

I forgot to answer your question Calypso. No he doesn't have friends.
 
B

basil and oregano

Former member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
692
Location
Athens, Greece
Yes, Basil and Oregano, I do feel guarded and uncomfortable around him with reason. He's not a safe person mentally, emotionally or even physically. But he puts on kindness whenever he talks about moving closer. Always. Thank you for your kind perception.
No need to thank me at all, I did almost nothing.

I think it's very important that you realise your feelings towards him. That you feel unsafe is the answer to your question.

Then again, it doesn't feel good to abandon others, even if they are a bad influence over us. Maybe finding a way to help him become a better person, while keeping yourself safe from him, is more difficult. If it doesn't work, perhaps it's best to cut ties.
 
V

Violet 123

Former member
No need to thank me at all, I did almost nothing.

I think it's very important that you realise your feelings towards him. That you feel unsafe is the answer to your question.

Then again, it doesn't feel good to abandon others, even if they are a bad influence over us. Maybe finding a way to help him become a better person, while keeping yourself safe from him, is more difficult. If it doesn't work, perhaps it's best to cut ties.

Cutting ties is best. I've done everything including giving advise to help him stay on the job or keep his home but it doesn't work.
 
M

Miss no more lost

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Joined
Nov 30, 2021
Messages
45
Location
North west England
I just joined and I'm looking forward to healing with all of you. I've been in the same dilemma for more than 20 years. I just wanted to know from anyone's perspective if you have a similar experience.

I have a brother who, for years followed me to a city I moved to knowing that he can't stand living there. He's moved back and forth between (where I live) and then back to his home province miles away (where the rest of my family is). He's done this a total of six times in the last twenty years with the exact same explanation. He doesn't advance or move forward. He'll get a place and maybe a job, then leave because he's bored. When he leaves he'll say he's definitely not returning. Then after a few months he'll say the same about where he's living and on and on it goes ... for twenty years. I somehow feel in my gut that this is one of those Crab-in-the-Bucket scenarios that's in play. The reason why I say that is because once when he was in the hospital for High Blood Pressure and was about to be released, he took one look at me and said, "Now it's your turn." That is when I knew he meant no good for me. I find he behaves like this everytime he feels that I am moving forward. The rest of the family expect me to go along with his behavior but I feel like I'm being stalked. Any ideas?
Hard situation….you may be right in your thoughts BUT he loves you! You love him …make peace if you can :)
I just joined and I'm looking forward to healing with all of you. I've been in the same dilemma for more than 20 years. I just wanted to know from anyone's perspective if you have a similar experience.

I have a brother who, for years followed me to a city I moved to knowing that he can't stand living there. He's moved back and forth between (where I live) and then back to his home province miles away (where the rest of my family is). He's done this a total of six times in the last twenty years with the exact same explanation. He doesn't advance or move forward. He'll get a place and maybe a job, then leave because he's bored. When he leaves he'll say he's definitely not returning. Then after a few months he'll say the same about where he's living and on and on it goes ... for twenty years. I somehow feel in my gut that this is one of those Crab-in-the-Bucket scenarios that's in play. The reason why I say that is because once when he was in the hospital for High Blood Pressure and was about to be released, he took one look at me and said, "Now it's your turn." That is when I knew he meant no good for me. I find he behaves like this everytime he feels that I am moving forward. The rest of the family expect me to go along with his behavior but I feel like I'm being stalked. Any ideas?
your family just wants the best for you and to reach your full potential! I think they are being tough on you not out of cruelty/bullying/belittling it’s because they know your potential and your strength!! They love you and want you to succeed in every path you choose!! I feel they lack ……to say “ you are doing amazing!!” we are proud of you!
They are don’t forget this!! :) xx
 

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