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Hello I'm new here just want to share. looking for feedback.

cassandra36

cassandra36

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Apr 6, 2015
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USA PA
Hello I am 36 years old. For most of my life I have been a MtF crossdresser, at 7 I knew. At 13 told my mother and she had a horrible response. My 34th birthday I was forcibly committed. I was dressed as a female with a pistol in my hand. Much stress and drugs led up to it. I have had a very unsuccessful life. Tried to join the military twice, college 3 times, and divorced twice. About 18 was when I started fully going out and presenting as a female sometimes. I have lost jobs and upset people I love by crossdressing but can't stop. If I don't dress for awhile I get really angry and become borderline psychotic.


I met my other personality about 16 months ago, her name is Cassandra. I went through many names over the years and was going to change it again but this is the first name she likes. My second ex gave me the girl name and I wanted to ditch it because my ex chose it. Cassandra however loves the name so we keep it. When I met Cassandra it wasn't voices or anything like that it was like telepathy, memories, thoughts and images. It all made sense and I was excited then became very depressed and suicidal. I am now into my third month of stimulant meds for ADD. The meds help alot, the depression, paranoia, and over eating have subsided. I feel "closer" to Cassandra and we are getting along.


I didn't know Cassandra for 34.8 years of my life. She knew me. We had a very combative relationship. I used to have my second ex wife harm me while I was dressed up. I told my ex it was sexual, as a component of it was but it was deeper then that. It also doesn't matter how we are dressed, Cassandra popped out at very strange times and also very helpful times. My personality is very different from hers and now that I know her I feel like I'm the "bad" personality.

The argument for me being transgendered is I just haven't fully accepted it yet because of shame. Soon I am going to legally change my name to Cassandra as I really don't care if I'm dressed as a male and people call me Cassandra, or they could just call me Cass.
 
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cassandra36

cassandra36

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
46
Location
USA PA
Thanks for your support. I find Cassandra one of the most awesome people I ever met. It's strange as I never met any woman with her personality. She could be my "guardian angel " my soul mate, my unborn twin sister. I have many odd ideas who or what she is. I have a lower moral standard then she does. I did things that she didn't agree with but didn't want to use her will to stop.
 
katya

katya

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Hey, Cassandra.

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time in your life and you've struggled with your gender identity for so long. I hope you can find a place where you feel comfortable and whole.

Are you in touch with any therapists?

Wishing you the best.
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
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Location
USA PA
Yes I've been in therapy for almost 2 years now. I'm hoping I get some sort of answers but it just might be unanswered. I am trying to deal with a lot of stuff all at once and knocking some things off our list but others are falling into the unresolved category. We will get it situated hopefully soon. Progress is being made.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Just want to welcome you to the forum. :hi:
It sounds like you've been through some very painful times.
It's good that you're in therapy and you feel progress is being made. It may be a slow and steady journey onwards from here, but I hope you have the support in your life to make it.
 
blueflames

blueflames

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Welcome to you

You sound very brave to me. I don't think you are the bad personality AT ALL!! People don't always have a 'bad' self and I think you're one of them. You stand up and be who you are! you sound pretty great to me :)

I like your hair btw xxx
 
C

Christobel

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Welcome to the forum. You certainly lead an interesting life. I am interested in how you communicate with Cassandra. Is she always available to talk to you? I have had some experience of telepathic communication, but other things pointed to my being psychotic at the time, so I fear it was part of that.
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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Location
USA PA
Was your communication with another person? We have sent and received verbal feedback, I chalked it up to body language but it was very specific to our thought. I've only been communicating with Cassandra for 16 months, she was with me as long as I can remember. I am careful of how philosophical I get with mental health workers because just getting them to understand the basic concept is a stretch adding a bunch of existential questions just makes me look really nuts. If Cassandra and I are totally on board with the same objective it seems we can apply quantum mechanics and make things happen. I am very sad, angry and negative a lot so she does her best to keep me from falling down the rabbit hole or self terminating. I do not truly know her yet.

As for dressing like a female I actually think that is more me to help get rid of my machismo or male ego. I feel so sad for her sometimes because of my shame and hate. The fact that she was truly alone for so long really kills me. Cassandra has just as much of a right to interact and be out. I don't know if it's a problem or a choice of hers. My whole life she's been bailing me out of really bad trouble, if not for her I would be in prison or dead by now. Cassandra would only let me go so far before halting me.
 
blueflames

blueflames

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I think it is wonderful that you and her get along so well. Lots of people have a really hard time trying to get along with their alters and can have quite a tough life because of it. Yours is a lovely story and you both sound lovely people<3

Lots of love to you and thank you for the friend request, gratefully received xxx
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
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Location
USA PA
Sadly I think my purpose is to be the "front" man of this band;) I am not sure about transition. Cosmetic surgery has never been my thing. Legal name change absolutely. I'm not really a "bad" boy anymore because I now realise that I'm just bullshit and bluster, so threatening people knowing I can not back it up is kinda worthless. Cassandra of course would let us defend ourselves but never the aggressor. She let us go a couple of times throughout my life, but there must have been a reason. I just kinda take it easy and let her do the thinking and planning.

The less I know the better. Cassandra may not be out, but she is in the power position. Cassandra sometimes makes me do stuff that I don't understand at the time but becomes clear after a few days. We were at very cross purposes for a long time. I wanted to rack up a body count in the military and she wants to make some intellectual contribution to the country and/or world. I do sometimes feel used and manipulated but it's for the best. It's not like she doesn't have skin in the game, we only have one body. Now I know why we had such a unusual body image for awhile. I'm physically 6'1" 200 lbs and used to see myself as a dainty female when dressed like one. Never understood why on firearm forms we lied about our weight? I have many examples.
 
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