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Hello, I'm looking for some advice.

G

ghosts

Guest
Hello, I don't know if you guys do trigger warnings here about my experience might be triggering. I will keep it as non-graphic as I can but I feel I can't get the right advice without at least explaining some of it.
Too make a long story short I was in the clutches of a sadistic pedophile for almost three years from the ages of 12 to almost 15. I have been filmed. I've had to abuse other children my age, among other horrible things that I feel I can't describe without it being too violent and graphic. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with psychotic depression, PTSD, and OCD that is primarily intrusive, recurring violent thoughts. I was never physically examined until two years ago as I have a hard time being around other people socially and being physically touched is repulsive to me. I had to be put under to be examined and the gynecologist told me upon the return visit that I'm too damaged to carry a child the full term and that if the scar tissue is ever a problem there's a procedure to remove it.
I don't why this was so devastating to me considering it was something that was possible but ever since then I've felt more empty than I did previously. I'm about 27 now and I'm always sad. I'm used to being sad but I have periods of uncontrollable sadness in which I feel life is no longer worth living. Recently, I've been feeling like I'm almost having irrational anxiety. I feel like if I call off work someone in my family is going to be in a terrible accident and get sent to the ER or if I don't do something the exact right way something horrible is going to happen. Every day I'm tired and I always have all these violent memories replaying over and over and I don't know what to do. Worst of all, I've started either having panic attacks that wake me up out of a dead sleep or I'm hearing voices at night that wake me up.
I'm not sure about medication. Doctors put me on Abilify as a teen and I couldn't hardly stay awake. I'm afraid medication will further damage my nervous system. I'm trying my hardest to eat right and sleep. I'm in college now so I can't afford this mess but I'm miserable....just so miserable. If any of you have had a similar experience with this I would love to hear how you handled it. Thank you for reading this.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Hiya Ghosts,
I've seen another post by you on the forum and have been thinking about what I could say in response, but to be honest, i'm speechless.
I am so sorry that you've had to live through these absolutely horrific experiences.
You are incredible to still be here today. :hug1:

I think your trigger warning is appreciated, because of how awful you were treated.
But I commend you for talking about what's happened to you. It's incredibly courageous to face these issues.

I'm not surprised that the news you cannot carry a child has affected you. Those bastards have robbed you of so much already. :mad:

Have you ever sought counselling for these issues?
It can be a long search to find someone you trust and feel comfortable sharing your experiences with, but when you find the right counsellor, it really helps.

Also, I understand your reluctance to take meds. Abilify is a pretty heavy-going one though, as i'm sure you know it's anti-psychotic and so it does make you really drowsy.
I definitely wouldn't want to encourage you to do something you're against, and personally I find meds a bit of a sticking plaster that doesn't actually do much healing - it just buys you some time.
But during my worst times, anti-depressants have really helped me. Just a thought.
 
G

ghosts

Guest
Thank you. I do appreciate your response. I have tried counseling when I was about 17 but the psychologist didn't really know what to do for me and he said that he's only ever encountered dealing with that type of violence with gangs. He said that I was lucky to be alive and that sometimes just breathing and existing is good enough and he suggested medication. He also said I needed to focus on a career path where I could be alone and suggested truck driving. LOL I know he wasn't trying to be insulting but it was. I also don't trust doctor's or medical staff because of a short stay in a psychiatric unit when I was 14. I was told to "get over it" and the nurse thought I was autistic and forced me to take a series of tests to basically prove I was mentally retarded. I'm not. I graduated high school with a 3.47 GPA. If it wasn't for my mother being so outraged I swear they would've diagnosed me with autism just because were hateful people and the staff on the unit were annoyed because I wouldn't talk and I cried all the time. They even strapped me to bed in one of those quiet rooms and I was for sure something terrible was going to happen because I was tied down. I passed out.
I've tried to find someone who has dealt with people like me who have encountered sadists. Everything on the internet basically describes it as "ritual abuse" which is clumped into the "satanic ritual abuse" category. My abusers weren't satanic cult members or in a religious cult. They were just sadists. I guess I'm confused about that-not to diminish anyone who's had experiences with that type abuse, I just mean it wasn't in a religious setting.
The closest psychologist that deals with survivor's of extreme violence is over an hour and a half away from me and I think one session was $300. I tried to go to a counseling service that was for sexual abuse survivors that charged you based on your income but they never called me back. So, I don't know. It's something to consider. Psychology and medication have only ever seemed to make things worse.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
Perhaps try to chase up the counselling service?
How did you contact them?
If it was via e-mail, it may have ended up in the spam folder.

Also, i'm so sorry that you've had such bad experiences with people who were supposed to help you! I swear, some people should not be working in the healthcare profession if they're going to say stupid, ignorant things like "Get over it".. that's so shockingly negligent. :unsure:
 
coldwater00

coldwater00

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Location
Yorkshire
I can't really elaborate on what Somerset said but I am shocked and appalled at your story and I wish also to say how strong you are for surviving what has happened to you. It's a feat not many manage.

I hope you can find the help that you need. It does sound as if you need some in depth support of a long term nature. Are there any other organisations that would offer a concession based on your means? I feel that you deserve help and support very much.
 
G

ghosts

Guest
I don't think anyone can help me and that's okay. I'm really sorry for the time all of you have wasted trying to answer a question that doesn't really have answer for a permanent problem with no solution. Sometimes, I get desperate and I talk about these things but I really shouldn't. Numb and functioning is the best I can do. Someday I won't have to do it anymore.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Dec 15, 2008
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13,624
You are courageous.....really you are. Therapy well it gets bad, then better. I understand the longing and need to talk about all this. I do think you need long term therapy though and to work through this all step by step. It's not something to "get over" it's something that needs to be validated and talked about.

I was on abilify it is heavy going, I have just withdrawn from this med and the withdrawal effects are immense. I would try without it, but if it gets worse all of this (not that it could - maybe go on a low maintenance dose.

I also hear voices and commands, have hallucinations and smells.

I have had better times, please keep trying. Talk to me if you like

KS
xxxxxx
 
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