• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hello. Im here to learn how to help, understand, and not give up on my fiancee. She has mental illnesses.

C

confused1981

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Oblong
I wont go into everything. There would be a lot if I did. Basically there is a chance I have ptsd. I was with someone for 13 years. I was married to her for 3 years and had 2 kids with her. She kept chasing after other guys and kept leaving needing a break. That has screwed up my trust with women. Well I met a woman that seemed like she wanted the same things I did in a relationship. She seemed bubbly and full of life when I met her. Now not so much. I love her with all of my heart even with the struggles. She has two kids. One lives with us and the other one lives with his gf. The issues we have had is her drinking. She drinks two to three times a week. Not just a drink or two. She will get drunk. I would say 50 percent of the time she is fun and I enjoy being with her. Then the other 50 percent shed ready to get into a argument. She will yell, not care, tell me shes leaving, say hurtful things. Here lately shes drinking more to deal with her thoughts she tells me. She has a eating disorder she is going through. The other issue is coparenting. She will tell me and get mad at me for how I raise or discipline my 5 year old and 7 year old. She tells me I'm not strict enough. Or I didnt handle it right. But then tell me shes not going to tell me how to raise them. Then her 12 year old daughter lives with us. She never gets disciplined for anything. She will text her mom from another room which might be 15 feet away
And her mom will go running.

Also she about moved away because her 12 year old daughter said she wasnt happy there. My fiancee said she would do anything to make her happy even if it meant giving up her own happiness. I tried talking to my fiancee about all of this. That she wont let me coparent her daughter but she is allowed to coparent my kids. That if her daughter says something I dont like she will jump me for saying something to her daughter. That it's not coparenting this way. I tried to get her to sit down and for us to figure out how we wanted all the kids raised. Rules and discipline. She refuses to t SSAok about that. The other issue is trust

When she drinks I cant trust her with other guys. She has sent nudes. Deleted the guy after we got into it. Then added him back a couple months later. We got into it over that as well. When I told her how it hurts me with what she did and all then adds him back. That I didnt want her talking to him after all of that. She told me no man will tell me who she can and cant talk to. My fiancee also has anxiety issues. And is on medicene for depression that is described by a family doctor. I think there is more going on. From her mood changes from a simple discussion, to anxiety, to parenting, to drinking, to eating disorders, etc. I have tried to get her to seek help and see what all may be going on. Possibly get on different meds. She refuses. So it's like a rollercoaster. I love her and dont want to give up. But at times I dont know what to do. Who to talk to? Or how to handle it all. Please help
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,512
Location
Lancashire
You are going through it aren't you? Has she seen anyone about her drinking and eating disorder? It sounds as though she is in a bad way and possibly drinks to cope with her feelings. She might need therapy to help her understand what is going on inside her. Have you discussed her past at all and found out if there is anything there that accounts for her behaviour?

What are you doing to protect and help yourself with all of this? Do you get away to recharge your batteries?
 
C

confused1981

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Oblong
You are going through it aren't you? Has she seen anyone about her drinking and eating disorder? It sounds as though she is in a bad way and possibly drinks to cope with her feelings. She might need therapy to help her understand what is going on inside her. Have you discussed her past at all and found out if there is anything there that accounts for her behaviour?

What are you doing to protect and help yourself with all of this? Do you get away to recharge your batteries?
I have talked to her a lot about her past and her drinking. She thinks that just because she drinks two or three times a week that she is just being a normal adult. I tried to get her to realize though that the way she gets at times when she drinks isnt a good thing and it's hard on me. Her father was a alcoholic. Also her deceased ex husband use to drink all the time. She was married to him 16 years. She told the first two years he didnt drink like that. Her daughter doesnt like her mom drinking either. Plus the reason she got a divorce was because her ex husband drunk alcohol all the time. My fiancee mom. Told me that my fiancee and her ex husband when they were married would go out drinking all the time. But I cant seem to get her to see the issue with it. Also she did say she drinks to try to get out of her head because of her eating disorder and all. Well it seems to make it worse at times to me. I even played her sound clips of how she gets at times when she drinks. So I have tried multiple things. She said she has seen people for her eating disorder. But they didnt help. That they would just tell her she had to eat. She tries to tell me I help her more than counseling. I told her that I'm not trained in this and not for sure how to help. She says I do more good than I realize. I have researched a lot about it and try to be understanding and watch what I say about it. Either way she says it's a control thing to her. That when she can control everything else that happens around her she can at least control her eating. She will then tell me she cant even control that. She knows all about eating disorders and what it does to her. She will look at pics. And listen to songs to help her want to eat less even. She won't get help with it. She told me to quit asking her to seek help for any of her mental illness. I know her eating disorder started when she was a kid. She said she was raped and that's when she started having her eating disorder. So yeah we have talked a lot about it. Her past. Issues we have as a couple because of how she gets. Her not willing to let me play my role as a coparent when it comes to her daughter. Drinking. Etc. So it's been hard when she knows all of this and still refuses to get help. I offered to go with her and tell them what she told me even. She said she wont talk to them so it wouldnt help. But she always refuses to go. And now wont even talk about the subject of getting help. She is tired of me bringing it up. So I'm at a lost with a lot of it. And its hard to deal with. My ex wife had mental illnesses as well. I was with her for 13 years. She liked to keep chasing after other guys. So I see similarities with my fiancee now. And when I have pointed that out. She wasnt very happy. So any suggestions. I love her. And she is a amazing woman when these things dont affect our relationship. But it's so hard to deal with and I dont want to have to worry about if I can trust her or not. Or if next week she be drunk and saying.g shes leaving again. I want honesty, faithfulness, and security. She will claim she is that way but there have been issues that says other wise to me.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,512
Location
Lancashire
Do you get any respite from this? You need time away at times as I said. I know you say she won't go to therapy but what if you suggest you go together to Relate, that is if you are in Britain. Its a couples therapy which helps with marriage issues and you can say that you need help too.

Otherwise I don't know what to suggest but we are here to listen.
 
Top