• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Hello! Im Gem

M

mizunderstood

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
50
Location
In my own head
Hi everyone,

My name is Gemma and I suffer from psychotic episodes which I try and controll with Olanzapine. I have been on them since 2004 when I had an acute psychotic episode and was sectioned under the mental health act. At the time I was in France so the language barrier didnt help!

I have never had a consultation with a psychiatrist in the UK even though the French Doctors said I had to go straight home to see a psychiatrist in order to understand how and why it happened and what the future looked like going forward. Unfortunately this did not happen and the UK doctors could not translate the French notes,so I kind of slipped through the net so to speak! Basically I had no follow up after leaving France, and at that stage I was still semi-psychotic. I had to get over it and deal with it myself, which in turn has left me feeling abnormal, insecure about my own mind and scrutinise every thought that goes through my head. I have tried to come off Olanzapine but find that I end up psychotic without it even though I have no diagnosis of a condition. Im supposed to just acept them and take them for an "illness" which I havn't got. Aparently its something to do with the "wiring in your brain" according to my doctor. Helpfull eh!

I am starting CBT soon and this is my first exerience with any kind of therapy. Im sure if I do display signs of a certain condition Im sure they will tell me. Personally I think I have some sort of Personality disorder as a result of the acute psychotic episode. My doctor has suggested that I may be schizophrenic but Im not sure really.

Im a bit confused because the only voices I hear are my own, even though they may think things that would not be classed as normal in my eyes. But Im not sure if this is a voice (disguised as me) or just wacky thoughts? I have coversations and arguments with myself or talk to imaginary therapists. Can this happen? I do get other symptoms of schizophrenia but I don't fit the criteria 100%. I think I might even have Narcassistic Personality disorder as I do actualy fit the criteria for that. (though I dont like to admit it) It sounds wierd but I could acept taking medication if I had a condition to take them for. I need closure and can't obtain it until I know whats wrong with me other than a pre-disposition to psychosis. I find the Olanzapine make me feel emotionaly flat and this has an impact on my social life/interaction with others. Its sods law though because without the tablets I can't handle the emotion of which I crave.

I do however think that people with Mental Illness are mainly intellegent people and sometimes think it can be a gift...insight, seeing things differently or from a different angle. Madness is certainly close to genious! Sometimes when Im psychotic I can have really clear thoughs and amaze myself at what I think. I can also feel like im on drugs when Im not! The downside is when the negative symptoms kick in and I become very low and depressed. I tried to just take anti-depressants but ended up feeling suicidal and had to go back on Olanzaine. I now feel like I've failed and feel inadequate in my surroundings.

Anyway, I think thats enough of my life story.

I will look forward to sharing my experience with someone that actually understands. Maybe this Forum can help me deal with my issues and make me feel less alone on the other-side!
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi Gemma, :welcome: to the forum. I hope you find it a friendly and supportive place to be. :)
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hi Gem, I am new here, but old at this stuff ( over 20 years )

Im a bit confused because the only voices I hear are my own, even though they may think things that would not be classed as normal in my eyes. But Im not sure if this is a voice (disguised as me) or just wacky thoughts? I have coversations and arguments with myself or talk to imaginary therapists. Can this happen?
Yup that happens, some of it makes sense, some is garbage, some is funny, some is scary, you are the one who descides what to listern to, it take time to learn this.

so I kind of slipped through the net so to speak!
That net has big hole in it and the capten of the boat is drunk, I have slip through so many times.

Keep Well.
 
D

dlzoidberg

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
2,781
:welcome: to the forums.
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
Hi and :welcome: to the forum,
hope you find it a good place to be.

QF.
 
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