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Hello, I would really like someone's advice. I need someone to be blunt.

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GinGin9

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Aberdeen
Hi GinGin and welcome to the forum, we're happy to have you here :welcome:

BPD makes relationships hard (i know cause i have it) :hug:

One mistake though shouldnt end a good relationship :hug:
Thank you for your warm welcome! I'm sorry that you struggle similarly to me (side question, do you feel you cope well with BPD and if so how did you get there?) but I don't just have one mistake, I have 2 really big ones and he only has one but it is also pretty big. I mean he's openly admitted that he is terrible with money (hence why he was in so much debt before we were together and I swooped in and bailed him out of, what I thought, was the lot) so I'm REALLY paranoid when ever he spends anything and, as it turns out, rightly so.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
13,566
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Thank you for your warm welcome! I'm sorry that you struggle similarly to me (side question, do you feel you cope well with BPD and if so how did you get there?) but I don't just have one mistake, I have 2 really big ones and he only has one but it is also pretty big. I mean he's openly admitted that he is terrible with money (hence why he was in so much debt before we were together and I swooped in and bailed him out of, what I thought, was the lot) so I'm REALLY paranoid when ever he spends anything and, as it turns out, rightly so.
my way of coping isnt probably the best way, i just dont "do" relationships any more :hug:

tbh though i been "stung" too many times with abusive people and "fair weather" friends :(
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
543
Location
London, ON
You can't blame him for having trust issues- you might not like it, but it's not unreasonable for him to have an issue with what happened.

Regarding his loans - are your finances combines, or do you keep finances seperate? Because if it's solely his loan and responsibility, your distrust is unfounded.

Personally -with BPD, I don't trust the strength of my reactions, emotionally. I know there's a decent chance I'm over reacting, or projecting things. Don't fall into the trap of trying to make your actions and his balance, or connect. You can't use how you feel about his loan as a way to write off what happened in September. Like, you can't use forgiving him for his choice as leverage to make him forgive and forget what you did.
 
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GinGin9

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Aberdeen
You can't blame him for having trust issues- you might not like it, but it's not unreasonable for him to have an issue with what happened.

Regarding his loans - are your finances combines, or do you keep finances seperate? Because if it's solely his loan and responsibility, your distrust is unfounded.

Personally -with BPD, I don't trust the strength of my reactions, emotionally. I know there's a decent chance I'm over reacting, or projecting things. Don't fall into the trap of trying to make your actions and his balance, or connect. You can't use how you feel about his loan as a way to write off what happened in September. Like, you can't use forgiving him for his choice as leverage to make him forgive and forget what you did.
They are partially combined as we share a house and related bills and, once all of the monthly outgoings were calculated, there is a big deficit even with both of our incomes combined. Monthly outgoings include everything he has on finance and the loan repayments. Should I not be bothered because I, myself, am not technically in debt but know that he can't afford his lifestyle?

And thank you, I needed to hear everything about trust and BPD.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
543
Location
London, ON
Hmmm. OK, at that point, yes, you do have a right to be concerned. His financial actions do directly affect you.

you still need to sorta compartmentalize this. It's easy, when you have BPD, to let yourself get into a tit for tat exchange, escalating problems. Keep your mistake seperate from his - ie, don't make it a "you let this go, and I'll let that go. They are different issues, they need different solutions.

The money issue requires rational thinking and solutions. there's no need for emotions to mess with money like this.

The distrust from cheating is an emotional issue, it doesn't have a nice clear rational solution. Still, you need to use all your emotional intelligence to fairly look at it, and empathy to understand why he has trust issues. don't get defensive about it.

I think it's really important to try to figure out if some of the distrust you feel is aimed at yourself. Having BPD means I always wonder about if what I'm feeling is truly connected to what I'm looking at/experiencing, and how much is transferring it from an uncomfortable insight to one my mind feels is easier to look at.
 
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AuraSunset

Active member
Joined
Oct 27, 2019
Messages
42
Location
UK
Do you live together and share the financial responsibilities? If you do, I agree with you, he shouldn't have done that. If you don't, I think it's his business whether he takes out a loan or not. Also, I don't think you can put a time cap on when he should be over you cheating on him. It takes a lot of work and rebuilding of trust, and it's not the person who cheated who gets to decided how long that takes. Try to see it as a positive thing that he's told you he still doesn't feel secure. Communication in a relationship is so important. I understand that you're both working on helping you to, and that's good, but he's allowed to have his own concerns to. Only you can decide if this relationship is worth fighting for. Money should not be part of your decision on whether to stay together or not. If you love this guy, or at least care for him enough to want to stay together, then keep talking to him and trying to work through this difficult patch. If you really feel like it's down to financial matters, then maybe you do need to consider whether you would be better off concentrating on yourself and not a relationship. It really comes down to what this person and your relationship with him means to you.
 
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BlackDuck

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
6
Location
UK
I think if there have been I stances of cheating it becomes very difficult to make a relationship work. Personally cheating for me ends a relation ship dead, even if I loved them.

I think from what I've read you would be best cutting ties spending some time working on yourselves and see how you feel. Perhaps even a mutual separation, discuss it, take some time apart and see.
 
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