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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Hello, here is my story

B

BornGone

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
106
Location
Germany
Here comes my introduction.
My problems startet very early in life, at around the age of 10. That is where I went to a therapist for the first time for one appointment because I told my mom I did not want to live anymore( I did not mean to hurt her, but I also did not know what to do with these thoughts and feeling)
After that the bullying began and with 14/15 I tried to kill myself a lot of time with a lot of different methods but never really succeded which is why it luckily went unnoticed for a long time.
We(my brother and I) saw a therapist once a week during that summer and he recommended us to a psychiatry which we went for three month( for social anxiety anf depression). It did not really help me and my psychiatrist( i saw her for 4 more years) could not really give me a diagnosis(we outsorted social anxiety very early in my treatment). In the end she diagnosed me with Major depression and autistic traits(?not enough criteria for autism?).
She told me that it is hard to give a diagnosis because I am a mixed bag.
After that Drug phase
Now I am seeing a Psychotherapist. He works with the hypothesis dystymia and anxious/avoidant personality disorder plus social phobia and mild depression.

I turned 20 last year, went to different universities and changed my subjects every half year. I had a job for a year until last month.I quit because they started to become assholes again(had problems at the beginning too).

I have Problems in social interactions because I am easily hurt by others. I am always afraid that they become assholes or that they conspire against me, start to bully me.
My friends are no different. I can not trust anyone. The longer you know someone the shittier they treat you.
I have tried everything. I tried love. I have worked in a store to train my social skills and put me in uncomfortable situations.
I go to a gym 4 times a week. I got more muscles but my confidience and self estem is just shit.
In Summer I finally felt confident for the first time in my life. I was active and motivated.Did a lot of things(drawing, uni, training, learning) But my motivation is gone since a few months. I just sit around, sleep longer.
There is nothing really that can lift my mood. There is nothing that makes me want to lift but there is also not reason for me to kill myself.
My mood just drops very low sometimes for no reason, that it gets hard to talk or move. I get so fucking angry from time to time that I get the urge to hurt or kill myself(but just in those moments). Event trigger those emotions sometimes but they also can be random. Maybe I have developed a brain tumor because I know depression but this is different somehow...

I am sorry for my bad english skills and all the whining but thanks for taking the time to read this.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
19,455
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
Hi BornGone it sounds like you are having a rough time of it, you are not whining, you deserve help, i hope the therapist helps (sorry i cant spell that word properly)

Welcome to the forum, we're happy to have you here:welcome:
 
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