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Hello everyone..

M

Manifestor64

New member
Joined
Jun 11, 2021
Messages
3
Location
USA
I was looking for a place like this I think. I belonged to one years ago called Mentalearth, but it got shut down. Then I joined another one, but I can't remember the name, and it may be gone as well - I think it had "garden" in the name.

Anyway, here I am. I'm 56, newly married to a wonderful man. My life is pretty good, except that my memory is horrible. Not dementia - been tested.
I rewatched a movie I had seen years ago and it was almost like I was seeing it for the first time. There is so much from my life that I don't remember. My theory is that I have been depressed and anxious my whole life and that has shrunk my brain and hampered its development. Though, I have moments of intelligence.

I work in a very toxic place, but have really great benefits. I'm on leave right now. I can't work there anymore. It's worse in my head when I think about it, but then it sounds really terrible also. We have to work 16.5 hours a day once or twice a week. My friend/coworker got her nose broke by an inmate there. I am small, but I have never gotten hurt in the nearly 22 years I have worked there. I have just sort of treaded water the whole time I've been there.

My diagnosis is bp2. I stopped my meds (I have been on MANY since I was a child) 2.5 years ago, because of side effects. (That is also about the length of time that I have stopped bulimia/purging.) No psychosis, but depression, anxiety...and body image issues. My brain came back online and I didn't feel like a vegetable. But negative thinking is a b$tch. I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE STOP TAKING THEIR MEDS. It's just a decision that I made.

I cry several times a day, every day- mainly because I am wrestling with quitting my job. Then we would both lose our insurance. I feel tremendous guilt about this. Hubby has told me he wants me to be healthy and happy. I feel like all I bring to the table is great health care. I don't know if I could learn a new job. I am good with some things, like paying bills, managing my finances, many things actually. It's hard to pay attention to learn something with multiple or many steps. And it's very difficult to retrieve information.

I hide my crying from him. He is very kind and loving, but I don't think he deserves to have to put up with me. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like me.

I am hating myself more and more and feeling like my life has been a complete waste, aside from my two amazing adult children. I feel completely worthless. This fluctuates, but seems to increase when I think about quitting my job.

I have a little art studio in our office, with plenty of art supplies. It's the one interest that I have and act on, sporadically. I have other interests - many, but I try to keep it to art, dancing (we take swing lessons) and I'd like to learn to remote view.

I hope this isn't too scattered.
Thank you for reading.

M
 
ht46

ht46

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,743
Location
Pluto
:welcome: art is a great distraction and way to let of steam if you quit you have your art to focus on which might be fun.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
6,539
Location
A comet
Hello Manifestor64, welcome to the forum.
 
V

Vribeiri

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2021
Messages
5
Location
United Kingdom
For the way you write you are capable to do a lot of thinks i suspect.
You probably can be in the writing and/or creative sector (web design).
I have similar issue with following steps and recipes due to my short term memory issue.
I hope you can find your way.
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
6,944
Location
Norway
Hi Manifestor welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
J

Janu

New member
Joined
Jun 13, 2021
Messages
2
Location
India
I was looking for a place like this I think. I belonged to one years ago called Mentalearth, but it got shut down. Then I joined another one, but I can't remember the name, and it may be gone as well - I think it had "garden" in the name.

Anyway, here I am. I'm 56, newly married to a wonderful man. My life is pretty good, except that my memory is horrible. Not dementia - been tested.
I rewatched a movie I had seen years ago and it was almost like I was seeing it for the first time. There is so much from my life that I don't remember. My theory is that I have been depressed and anxious my whole life and that has shrunk my brain and hampered its development. Though, I have moments of intelligence.

I work in a very toxic place, but have really great benefits. I'm on leave right now. I can't work there anymore. It's worse in my head when I think about it, but then it sounds really terrible also. We have to work 16.5 hours a day once or twice a week. My friend/coworker got her nose broke by an inmate there. I am small, but I have never gotten hurt in the nearly 22 years I have worked there. I have just sort of treaded water the whole time I've been there.

My diagnosis is bp2. I stopped my meds (I have been on MANY since I was a child) 2.5 years ago, because of side effects. (That is also about the length of time that I have stopped bulimia/purging.) No psychosis, but depression, anxiety...and body image issues. My brain came back online and I didn't feel like a vegetable. But negative thinking is a b$tch. I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE STOP TAKING THEIR MEDS. It's just a decision that I made.

I cry several times a day, every day- mainly because I am wrestling with quitting my job. Then we would both lose our insurance. I feel tremendous guilt about this. Hubby has told me he wants me to be healthy and happy. I feel like all I bring to the table is great health care. I don't know if I could learn a new job. I am good with some things, like paying bills, managing my finances, many things actually. It's hard to pay attention to learn something with multiple or many steps. And it's very difficult to retrieve information.

I hide my crying from him. He is very kind and loving, but I don't think he deserves to have to put up with me. I wouldn't want to be married to someone like me.

I am hating myself more and more and feeling like my life has been a complete waste, aside from my two amazing adult children. I feel completely worthless. This fluctuates, but seems to increase when I think about quitting my job.

I have a little art studio in our office, with plenty of art supplies. It's the one interest that I have and act on, sporadically. I have other interests - many, but I try to keep it to art, dancing (we take swing lessons) and I'd like to learn to remote view.

I hope this isn't too scattered.
Thank you for reading.

M
Similar age .Similar problems. Though I've been married to the same guy for 34 years. He knows my problems, basically panic disorder and GAD. On and off meds, because of side effects. Now on. I too have 2 wonderful daughters and an old demanding mother in law who stays with us.I am basically a housewife .
 
SlowJinks

SlowJinks

Active member
Joined
Jun 11, 2021
Messages
32
Location
South Africa
Hi @Manifestor64 ,

I have Bipolar as well and I can understand where you are coming from as well as your reasons for being off meds, and similarly refrain from either advocating or preaching as it's hard either way. I often think of it in terms of choosing the lesser of two evils.

Sounds as though you are going through a tough time in your decision about work, I hope you find the answer you need as it's not a easy one to make. For me, it stopped being an option when it became a danger to my health. Without my health, having a job would be pointless in any case.

The biggest blessing someone with Bipolar can ask for, is a reliable outlet that you can return to, even if it is just sporadically.
 
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