- Nov 14, 2020
I have survived a suicide attempt in early June this year. I thought that would allow me to turn a corner and see a bright side to life but within I fully know that one bad turn and I could easily be back in that scenario again. Before the suicide attempt I was struggling for three years and to be truly honest I did try other attempts on my life but they were nothing affective. 2020 was a real struggle at the start and it wasn't just about COVID-19. In early January my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant, that really threw me and let's just say she wasn't mother material. Two days after that I then found out my mother had cancer. That was the one what really shook me. My mother has had two surgery's and she hasn't got cancer anymore thank god. My girlfriend at the time tried to emotionally blackmail me when it came to starting a family, I was straight with her when I said I wasn't financially or mentally ready. A couple of months later she then had an abortion, I know I didn't want a child but it still really affected me. After that she then blamed me for the abortion and none of her family were speaking to me because of the fact that she got pregnant, her family weren't a nice bunch of people. We finally broke up in March due to her cheating on me, that didn't affect me to be honest because since the pregnancy all of my feelings to her went away. But for some reason that wasn't good enough for her, she then accused me of hitting her and she got a court order against me for three months, that did have a real big affect on me. I just couldn't believe that someone could make lies like that up about me, the order was only for three months and me and my family have suspicions that it was a fake court order. The main affect of that whole situation is that I have lost my confidence again and also I have lost all self belief. I am now locking myself up in my room away from everyone and I haven't spoken to anyone for a month because I just cant face anyone due to a split personality and also bad anxiety. I am doing an online TEFL and it is nearly done but unfortunately there is no work abroad due to covid so I just feel trapped. Once my course is sorted then I am planning to move to the North East and just have a fresh start. Thankyou for reading, I just needed to finally get this off my chest.