hello everyone - new girl on forum trigger warning.

[ppattt13]

Hope you guys okay...

In advance I apologise for my english -it's not my first language so some mistakes may occur...

I really hope that I've finally found forum to chat with nice people who like me suffer from depression...

Few words about me : am nearly 29 years old , I live in the UK since 2012 .

Today's exactly 29 years since my father killed himself - yes , correct he commited suicide few months before I came into the world - how it affected my adult life ? I dont think I need to explain it to anyone... Self esteem as low as possible . Grew up poor with my siblings and mother who was working very hard to provide for us but... although I think she was very brave and am grateful for everything she's done - I cant say that my childhood was ... good ...

She was very unhappy with her life her life and upset with our father. So I grew up hearing all the time one sentence: One day I will leave this house and never come back ! she was beating me and my two sisters but she never touched our brother who is 8 years older than me... Throughout my childchood I swear - i don't remember her giving me a cuddle, saying something nice or at least a day when she was in a good mood.

Am struggling every day more and more. i cant even describe it . I absolutely cannot talk about that with my family - they all erased memory of our father and his family ( his brother and father also killed themselves...) I was trying to talk about that with my mom - but it only made me more sad... I decided to finally open myself , I told her a lot and she said : you're not sad , you're just tired... When I said, that am really sure ,she went mad and left the room... She doesnt want to even hear about it... I know am failing her... I dont feel any joy at all , as If my feelings would be behind glass wall and I know I wont ever be able to reach them... I wanna cry all the time , but ironically I manage to put brave face on , so a lot of people have no idea whats inside me and am scared that one day I'll wake up and... I won't be strong enough to carry on ...

Is it just me? Is there anyone to whom I can chat to get any advice ? please...

my best wishes for everyone ... P

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

Is it just me? Is there anyone to whom I can chat to get any advice ? please...

you can use your imagination to picture a better life. and then work towards creating it. but beware of having a negative identity. that can sabotage your efforts. so you might have to root that out first.

 

[Katydid]

Have you seen a doctor? You need more help. You do not have to be alone struggling with the enormous hurt in your life.

 

[jajingna]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry about your father and your mother. They can have such a profound influence on us, it's such a massive responsibility and we are so vulnerable especially as children.

 

[Barny67]

Welcome, Your not failing your mother or yourself.
I think you are amazingly resilient, to go through what you have as a child.
I think anyone would struggle with life after a childhood like that. You’ve come to the right place for support and understanding. Tc.

 

[Pinapple4]

I wish I could give you a hug! Do you need to talk about it? People are helpful around these forums. Did you ever consider talking to a therapist or a doctor? Also, there are confidential helplines you can call if you need to hear someone's voice. I feel like you have a lot bottled up inside.

 

[ppattt13]

Welcome, Your not failing your mother or yourself.
I think you are amazingly resilient, to go through what you have as a child.
I think anyone would struggle with life after a childhood like that. You’ve come to the right place for support and understanding. Tc

Have you seen a doctor? You need more help. You do not have to be alone struggling with the enormous hurt in your life.

Hi,
I was once on one session - it took me five months to decide to go there ... To convince myself , that I should go there and tell someone how I feel - but I somehow couldn't really open myself... Therapist was really nice and I know he was there to help and not to judge but... I couldn't...

 

[ppattt13]

I wish I could give you a hug! Do you need to talk about it? People are helpful around these forums. Did you ever consider talking to a therapist or a doctor? Also, there are confidential helplines you can call if you need to hear someone's voice. I feel like you have a lot bottled up inside.

Hello,
thank you for your kind words - am hoping that this forum is right for me - over a year ago I joined other one and people thought that am a ''troll'' - because I wrote that my father , his brother and their dad(they also had a sister who tried to kill herself twice , she died few years ago) commited suicade - apparently it's very unusual and they all jumped on me for being fake etc... ehhh

 

[ppattt13]

you can use your imagination to picture a better life. and then work towards creating it. but beware of having a negative identity. that can sabotage your efforts. so you might have to root that out first.

hello,
my imagination is a problem too , since I was six I think would hide under table or chair - just to get lost in another world ... I would read as many books as I could , I also enjoyed writing stories... I was trying to run away at least with my mind ...

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

hello,
my imagination is a problem too , since I was six I think would hide under table or chair - just to get lost in another world ... I would read as many books as I could , I also enjoyed writing stories... I was trying to run away at least with my mind ...

just add more reality to your imagination. start by developing some fantasies for your own life that are more realistic. that are at least possible. this will plant some seeds and start moving things in that direction. you are alive, this is your moment in eternity, so you deserve the best. the past is gone and nobody knows that you were not born a rich princess. so start acting like it and then everyone around you will believe it. the universe itself might start to believe it too and roll out the red carpet for you.

 

[UpnDwn1978]

Hi ppattt welcome to the forum

 

[Nukelavee]

Welcome.

It sounds like your mother has a huge amount of anger, and maybe guilt, concerning the loss of your father. It doesn't justify how she acts, but knowing that might help take a bit of your pain away.

either way, it's a huge amount of emotional weight to carry - as others have said - have you talked to a doctor or counsellor about any of this? You shouldn't carry this yourself.

 

[ppattt13]

Hi ppattt welcome to the forum

Thank you very much

 

[ppattt13]

just add more reality to your imagination. start by developing some fantasies for your own life that are more realistic. that are at least possible. this will plant some seeds and start moving things in that direction. you are alive, this is your moment in eternity, so you deserve the best. the past is gone and nobody knows that you were not born a rich princess. so start acting like it and then everyone around you will believe it. the universe itself might start to believe it too and roll out the red carpet for you.

You're an amazing human being. Actually all of you , guys but this what you wrote - you'd think such a simple words -yet I keep reading them all the time since half an hour... All i can write for now is THANK YOU...

 

[ppattt13]

I have

Welcome.

It sounds like your mother has a huge amount of anger, and maybe guilt, concerning the loss of your father. It doesn't justify how she acts, but knowing that might help take a bit of your pain away.

either way, it's a huge amount of emotional weight to carry - as others have said - have you talked to a doctor or counsellor about any of this? You shouldn't carry this yourself.

I tried once but... It didnt go very well... Just to come here to this forum , took me few months to decide... I can't break this wall ... I know that's all in my head.. but I don't believe that I can be helped... It's waaay to advanced and honestly ... I can't do it...