P
ppattt13
Member
Hope you guys okay...
In advance I apologise for my english -it's not my first language so some mistakes may occur...
I really hope that I've finally found forum to chat with nice people who like me suffer from depression...
Few words about me : am nearly 29 years old , I live in the UK since 2012 .
Today's exactly 29 years since my father killed himself - yes , correct he commited suicide few months before I came into the world - how it affected my adult life ? I dont think I need to explain it to anyone... Self esteem as low as possible . Grew up poor with my siblings and mother who was working very hard to provide for us but... although I think she was very brave and am grateful for everything she's done - I cant say that my childhood was ... good ...
She was very unhappy with her life her life and upset with our father. So I grew up hearing all the time one sentence: One day I will leave this house and never come back ! she was beating me and my two sisters but she never touched our brother who is 8 years older than me... Throughout my childchood I swear - i don't remember her giving me a cuddle, saying something nice or at least a day when she was in a good mood.
Am struggling every day more and more. i cant even describe it . I absolutely cannot talk about that with my family - they all erased memory of our father and his family ( his brother and father also killed themselves...) I was trying to talk about that with my mom - but it only made me more sad... I decided to finally open myself , I told her a lot and she said : you're not sad , you're just tired... When I said, that am really sure ,she went mad and left the room... She doesnt want to even hear about it... I know am failing her... I dont feel any joy at all , as If my feelings would be behind glass wall and I know I wont ever be able to reach them... I wanna cry all the time , but ironically I manage to put brave face on , so a lot of people have no idea whats inside me and am scared that one day I'll wake up and... I won't be strong enough to carry on ...
Is it just me? Is there anyone to whom I can chat to get any advice ? please...
my best wishes for everyone ... P
In advance I apologise for my english -it's not my first language so some mistakes may occur...
I really hope that I've finally found forum to chat with nice people who like me suffer from depression...
Few words about me : am nearly 29 years old , I live in the UK since 2012 .
Today's exactly 29 years since my father killed himself - yes , correct he commited suicide few months before I came into the world - how it affected my adult life ? I dont think I need to explain it to anyone... Self esteem as low as possible . Grew up poor with my siblings and mother who was working very hard to provide for us but... although I think she was very brave and am grateful for everything she's done - I cant say that my childhood was ... good ...
She was very unhappy with her life her life and upset with our father. So I grew up hearing all the time one sentence: One day I will leave this house and never come back ! she was beating me and my two sisters but she never touched our brother who is 8 years older than me... Throughout my childchood I swear - i don't remember her giving me a cuddle, saying something nice or at least a day when she was in a good mood.
Am struggling every day more and more. i cant even describe it . I absolutely cannot talk about that with my family - they all erased memory of our father and his family ( his brother and father also killed themselves...) I was trying to talk about that with my mom - but it only made me more sad... I decided to finally open myself , I told her a lot and she said : you're not sad , you're just tired... When I said, that am really sure ,she went mad and left the room... She doesnt want to even hear about it... I know am failing her... I dont feel any joy at all , as If my feelings would be behind glass wall and I know I wont ever be able to reach them... I wanna cry all the time , but ironically I manage to put brave face on , so a lot of people have no idea whats inside me and am scared that one day I'll wake up and... I won't be strong enough to carry on ...
Is it just me? Is there anyone to whom I can chat to get any advice ? please...
my best wishes for everyone ... P