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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

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inicornus

inicornus

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Europe
Hello everyone!
I'm new here, and I think I have depression, though I haven't been clinically diagnosed. In the beginning of 2020, my mother died, which made me very confused about everything that was happening in my life. I started having feeling of a lot of guilt, since I didn't miss her as much as some of my other family members did. I later was very confused about my sexuality and discovered that I was biromantic by the summer of 2020. At that point, my best friend asked me out, and I agreed.

Over my summer holidays, I had many fights with my dad, which made me start to feel very worthless and depressed, especially after he outed me when I wasn't ready. If I had to pinpoint a time in my life where I first thought I was depressed, it was then.

At some point after the holidays, I started harming myself. I initially didn't think of it as self-harm (which still puzzles me today). When my girlfriend found out, she was so devastated, that I started having feelings of guilt all over again. I later started having suicidal thoughts, especially after my girlfriend also started harming herself on my birthday, something I still feel is my fault.

I feel like I had been harming myself for attention, because I wanted someone to notice what I was going through. But even as many of my friends questioned what was on my arms, I was always so irritated and slightly angry when they asked if I had harmed myself, and I didn't want them to know. I think I need help sorting this out.

After planning two suicides (of which I never actually followed through with), and having written many letters to my friends and relatives, I've been extremely scared that the suicidal thoughts will get to me, and I'm still scared of them every day. I want to talk to a therapist, but I don't want my dad spending so much money on me, especially when we are in a bit of a financial problem. I also don't have any idea how to talk about this with him, since I'm scared if he'll be angry or disappointed, and his disappointment is normally my biggest trigger. I also don't even know how I'd approach him or start the conversation.

I'm also very emotionally closed off to my girlfriend, which has made our relationship slightly untrustworthy from both sides (she also has some anxiety issues that she's coping with, of which she always tries to hide), and I don't want to lie to her about how I feel, but at the same time, she never knows how to comfort me, and normally I feel slightly worse after talking to her about my feelings, since her comfort is normally based on logic, whilst I need something more emotional, even though she really is trying to help me, and I know she is. But when I talk to her about my feelings, I feel like she doesn't really love me, even though I know she does. None of my friends know that I'm depressed, since I'm always full of energy and happy, and I don't think my dad does either.

I'm sorry this is so long, but this seemed like the only place for me to talk about this. I feel like this is really the only place I can figure this out in.
 
Marrex

Marrex

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
138
Location
Oklahoma City
Hi there, welcome to the forum! I commend you on your openness, and in my experience this is a great place to be open. We're all united by our collective struggles, here. I hope you find a positive and hopefully helpful experience here. I too have had an intimate relationship with Depression (clinical, in my case) and self-harm. I'm here if you ever need to vent. I hope you have a good day!!
 
inicornus

inicornus

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Europe
Hi there, welcome to the forum! I commend you on your openness, and in my experience this is a great place to be open. We're all united by our collective struggles, here. I hope you find a positive and hopefully helpful experience here. I too have had an intimate relationship with Depression (clinical, in my case) and self-harm. I'm here if you ever need to vent. I hope you have a good day!!
Hey! Thanks so much! I decided to be more open since I felt like this would be the right place to do so. I am very sorry that you have to go through that, and I hope that it will get better soon. You got this! Thank you so much! I'm here for you too, if you ever need to talk!
 
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