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Hello and Is it BPD or not?

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Bilbo

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Melrose
So, I have started therapy for my BPD. Finally. This is VERY HARD and I have been in bits.

The other day I got into total overwhelm and emailed my therapist for help. Not sure exactly what I wanted but I was in a state. Tried to be cool in email but I wasn’t cool. He still hasn’t replied like 3 days later and I’m now wondering whether he really cares. Is it just my BPD or is he a charlatan?! it never ends. this mind feels so broken and im tired and exhausted of dealing but deal I must.

I’m really worried i’m overloading my wife who i love so much because i’m in one of those phases where the pain doesn’t cease. I’m yet to really learn or practice pain management/avoidance skills as i’m just so used to giving in to the way my mind is. it’s just easier sometimes after all these years of denial, confusion and fear.

On a lighter note, thank you for being here for me. I can tell from just a few threads that there are some quality people in here with big BPD hearts. Bless you.

Bilbo
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,614
Location
London, ON
I'm sorry you're finding it hard right now.

I've been working on this for 15 years or so, here are a few things to try out when your mood is out of control.

Create a list of things that make you happy or absorb your concentration, and when you are feeling unstable, try to get into one of them.

Keep in mind others don't react as strongly as you and I to many things - which means others often literally can't understand our pain or anger. Try to keep this in mind when you get frustrated nobody "gets" how you feel.

Learn to recognize what an episode feels like as it builds, because it's easier to calm down before you lose it.

Cliche or not - when you feel worked up, just breath slowly for a few minutes.

Avoid acting on impulses (easier said than done, I know, but it comes with practice.) I'm finally getting to the point where I can avoid dangerous impulses.

I'd also avoid most alcohol and drugs right now.
 
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Bilbo

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Melrose
I see I need to try and work these suggestions into my life in order to achieve more peace in my life. Thank you.

That said, there is this perverse and dark resistance in me to doing what is good for me. It’s been ever present since I remember and it’s alive and kicking. I will keep trying and ask for help.

Thanks again
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,614
Location
London, ON
One aspect of BPD is being self-destructive. It took me a while, but I've realized not doing what is good for me is a self destructive trait, it's basically self harm without scars.

Thinking of it as self harm, or as punishing yourself, might help you realize you need to NOT be contrary on things. Try and ask yourself why you think you deserve to have your life harder than it needs to be.

sometimes, we act contrary, because we feel like we need a real reason to explain how we feel. Like, we feel angry, so we create an event that lets us be angry. we feel a weird grief, so we make something happen that gives a reason to grieve. Understand that part of BPD is not needing a "real" immediate reason to feel badly, we don't need to create a situation that justifies how we feel.

Aslo - if you're like me - you hate asking for help until things are beyond control. It's important to learn to ask for help, it's not weakness.

Don't get discouraged - it's taken a lifetime to bring you here, it will take time to repair the damage life has done. You've started, which is the hardest step.

I have faith in you.
 
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Bilbo

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Melrose
I feel wisdom in your words nukelavee. Thank you for taking time for me and your faith in me. I’m struggling with it all badly but starting to calm down a little.

I’m identifying with all you say especially the practice of creating events to demonstrate the underlying emotion. It’s all just so messed up but it’s also time to live in the solution.
 
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