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S

smoggy

New member
Joined
Jan 17, 2015
Messages
4
I figured it's about time I registered and started interacting a bit here having lurked around these boards for months now.

I don't have a diagnosis as yet hopefully will finally get one and a course of treatment 28th of this month when I finally get to see a psychatrist although all symptoms point to a form of schizophrenia.

I am a father of 3 girls have a partner of 14 years and a dog.

At 17 I had a psychotic break whilst in the forces with no apparant trigger began to experience voices and delusions drank heavily and ended up going awol living on the streets despite a healthy bank balance and drinking heavily ended up attempting suicide, I was hospitalised for a week, sectioned to the army psychiatric hospital for a month of which I remember nothing and on release was jailed in the army prison for a month for going awol. I was then medically discharged and my symptoms subsided somewhat I still experienced voices but I had them under control.

2001 I had a house fire in which I lost everything as no insurance I flatlined for 5 minutes and fell into severe depression for 3 years or so. I received treatment for the burns from the fire but I never sought any help with mental health due to my experiences of it with the army.

2004 I got myself back to work and aside a bad 3 month period was relatively OK, 2007 I had my 1st child, 2008 I began working from home and this continued to 2013 during this time the voices began to really take hold, they were my only interaction outside of my partner and children and I began to see them as friends despite the fact 2 were highly negative even giving them names.

fast forward to 2014 and the voices began to change as did my mood, the negativity heightened, I became easily confused, emotion stopped aside rage (over the tiniest thing) in a 2 month period I changed jobs, 3rd child was born 9 weeks early and moved house after this little 2 month period things became horrendous I couldnt function at all and rather than tell anyone I just walked out of work never to return, I finally admitted to my partner of what I'd been going through over the years and we agreed I needed to seek help so in August went to my GP and told them everything 5 month later I finally have appointment with someone who might finally be able to do something.

During this 5 month time my voices have been bad ranging from extremely negative to a singular overly positive voice, 2 new voices have arrived that I havent experienced before, I began self harming again something I hadnt done since 17, I look at my children and feel virtually nothing towards to them my 8 month old can be crying and I dont feel anything theres no anger or such like at her but nor is there any kind of parental response of picking her up and settling her. I have visions of suicide multiple times daily, my voices are pretty much non stop and often can not be made out as if I'm in a room with people talking about me but I cant quite make out what they are saying which I find even worse than them hurling abuse/negativity at me. Self Neglect has fully kicked in and I can't remember the last time I bathed, brushed my teeth hell I think I've been in these clothes 10 days now.

These last 2 weeks have been hell, i have began having visions of killing our dog in a myriad of different ways for no particular reason other than our fence fell down (I have zero motivation to fix it even though its an easy job) so I have to take her outside rather than just let her out back and an extreme urge to just leave and go stay on streets. I'm not sure I can last till the 28th when I may or may not finally receive some proper help.

MY voices start outside of me never from objects as such but over time I recognise that they arent outside but rather inside, they arent my own thoughts though and each has a distinct voice and 5 of them are named.

I have had relativly clear periods in the past when "meg" is present a female voice that has helped keep me grounded and offered encouragement to eat right, excercise, shower, shave etc and when she is present the others subside a lot.

My partner is fully aware of everything that is going on since our initial conversation last year I have always kept her in the loop as to what is happening I however don't feel she understands or how to deal with me and unless I start the conversation she pretty much just leaves me be never pushing me to look after myself etc
 
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Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
9,363
Location
North of England, UK
Hi smoggy

:welcome: to the forum.

Sorry to hear about your past and present difficulties, and I hope your appointment with the psychiatrist goes well, and proves helpful.

Take care :)
 
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