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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Helllo everyone and be prepared to read a lot here! Sorry!

A

AmyEAS

Guest
Hi,

I'm new here - and happy to be here ;-)

My name is Amy and I am a healthy 25 year old who (at least yet) hasn't been diagnosed with any health issues.

Some things are bothering me, and I'm not sure as to whether I should be more concerned about them or if lots of people have the same things going on as me, and therefore don't really need to seek professional help. I know it's all the power of the mind and I can most of the time control the thoughts that go on in my head, however, now I've made the step to seek out a bit of general advice, I guess I'm starting to question whether I should be doing something about these things.

I moved countries a few years back in since doing so have been close with my sister who recently got married, so we are not as close anymore. We relied on each other a lot (always hanged around together in our spare time) and now we are not as close, I don't have much of a social life. In saying this, it's not that I feel lonely, but part of my issues, I can imagine, stem from not having current close relationships with people... I don't feel depressed (maybe unhappy, but that at tops) or don't ever wish to actually harm myself. (Just to clear that up).

I'll try to keep this short:

1. When I am out and I see an ambulance for example, I have these thoughts in my head to fall down and fake that I have fainted and act unresponsive. Sounds silly, but to be honest, makes me pretty excited even thinking about doing it. Then I sit on the bus going to work, and it's quiet, I just have the urge to scream or do something. I feel nervy and start to think I'm going crazy but then calm myself and tell myself that it's just a silly thought. I've never actually acted out my thoughts such as these.

2. For maybe 10 years I've had a slight OCD-type-thing going on. It hasn't really bothered me at all but in the last month added on to my weird thoughts, it's been worse. I have to do things in pairs and add them up to a larger equal number. Say I tap 2 fingers on my thumbs, I tell myself to do that 5 times, so that the '2s' make a total of 10.

Asides from this, I class myself as a pretty normal person. I have no problem in social interactions and even though I just socialize at work mainly and not really outside, I don't have any problems in doing so. I'm really trying to make new friends and meet people but it hasn't really worked for me yet. I'm really trying to do new things and again, it's not like I am avoiding making these positive changes. Fine, I live by myself, but it's not like I trap myself in my apartment and avoid the outside world.

In saying that, sometimes, I feel the need to escape. I maybe drink alcohol every 2 weeks or so, not so often, but tonight I have felt the need to escape again and have been drinking. My basic plan is to drink until I fall asleep and be giddy along the way, and then wake up the next day and yey, I go to work in the morning.

So, not sure how this comes across? I'm really not a messed up person, I just have a few issues from the past, but nothing major. For example, I'm not in touch with my Mother and do hold some resentment against her. And in moving to a new country where I have just my sister, has, one one hand been a great experience that I'd never change, but on the other, it's created these issues which have now come to the forefront and now I need to deal with them.

Wow, it seems like I like to hear the sound of my own voice, but it's not true, I just needed to vent a bit!

Any advice? :)
 
Angels

Angels

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hmm i dont know. Il say my opinion but my opinions can always be a little odd :/ i agree with what you say about the relationships part. with relationships you tend to have alot more fun. social lifes keep you happy. theres nothing better than a good gossip. Maybe your trying to cheer yourself up by acting that way? i mean, when it goes silent i always just laugh, people stare, call me weird. but it cheers me up. with the ambulance thing... ambulances make me reaaalllyyy nervous. but im not sure on that one.
Maybe Im not being that helpful with advice, but it sounds like theres not anything major to worry about!
best wishes
han x
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
Hi Han,

Thanks for the reply ;-)

Of course you are being helpful!

I don't know, I guess I have the power to keep things under control, which is what I am trying to do. I don't want this to end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy of thinking that I need some sort of help but when really, what I have going on isn't so bad.

One minute I think that the thoughts and how I feel is just silly and tell myself to snap out of it and on the other, I start to worry about that if I can get worse in some way.

I don't really drink alcohol for example, but when I do, 90% of the time it is when I am by myself. I probably drink once every one/two weeks. Last night, I just felt a little out of control and drank quite a bit until I was in bed and fell asleep. I felt some need for escapism and the aim was to get a bit giddy and drink myself to sleep basically. That's what I did, and how stupid I was. I woke up in the morning and needed to go to work but felt sick as I hadn't hydrated myself before going to sleep the night before. Then I ended up vomiting and staying at home and not going to work. That is naughty. Anyway, I don't feel like I want to do that again any time soon -- I haven't been sick from drinking in years.

You know what, thinking about it a bit more, I guess there is 1% of me that wants things to get worse, probably so that I can get some attention out of it and be taken care of - That's what I need to control.
 
Angels

Angels

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you could maybe go to a councellor. tell them how you feel. have a few sessions every month. it might help you discover whats bothering you? thats another option. and i think it could be very helpful!
hannah x
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
Hi Hannah,

Thanks :)

Yes, I really would like to do something like that. I don't want drugs or anything crazy like that, but just verbal therapy.

I don't have a messed up past or anything, but I guess there are a few things that bother me that I would like some closure on or at least, to talk to someone in order to express my feelings and processing my thoughts.

For example, I'm not really in touch with my Mum and hold some resentment against her. I am fine not being in touch with her so often, 100%. However, I don't want to hold grudges and also I don't want this to affect me when I will be a Mother in the future.
I moved countries a few years back, and in doing so, well, 1. It has been the greatest thing which I will never go back on and 2. It's been difficult coming and only having one family member here and of course, for anyone, takes time to settle in and get used to a lot of different things.
I'm a pretty laid back person generally, and am not picky with stuff, but when it comes to my own future and not knowing where I am exactly going and with who and what.. It's a bit stressful. I'm quite affected by my dreams also sometimes which can affect me the whole day.

Guess I'll look in to some gentle (!) therapy or something ;-)

Thanks again!
 
Angels

Angels

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its no problem! with councelling they wouldnt just slap you up with meds! and you can talk about whatever your comftable with talking about they will offer advice, ways moving on, exercises to help. just someone to listen to rants!. i see lots of different people which is pretty hard :/ talking would be best for you so gogo :D
Good luck! let us all know how your progress goes!
All the best
hannah x
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
You seem like such a nice person! Thanks again!

Well, they've certainly got some listening to do I tell ya - Me and my mouth - The funny thing is, off the forums, I'm not a closed person, but would never rant and rave about what is going in with me, how I'm feeling and my past etc... I'm pretty shy I guess.

I just hope that I could find a therapist that will be good for me - I also need to get over this embarrassment I have which is difficult enough on a forum, let alone with someone face-to-face!!!
 
Angels

Angels

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haha you sound exactly like me! i hardly ever talk at all, but on here i just rant on and on. im shy too. anxiety :/ but everything will be ok! :)
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
Haha, thanks ;-) You too...

Wish you all the best too!

At least yesterday and this morning feel like times where I don't need to seek professional help, so we'll see what happens.

I went to the gym yesterday after joining a couple of days ago and I really liked it - Used to do a lot of sports as a teenager, so nice to be back exercising...

Healthy body, healthy mind.. or is it the other way around!? LOL.
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
Echhh, I just don't feel so right today... But maybe I'm making myself feel like this and it's not actually true?

Just have a fluttery feeling in my stomach and chest. I was sitting on the bus coming to work and started having visions of the person behind me stabbing me in the back.. and like with most of these thoughts, I play out in my mind what I'd do... Keep still as it could make it worse to move etc.

MMM.
 
A

AmyEAS

Guest
Wow, I don't know what happened to me all of a sudden.

I woke up this morning with a really bad stomach and feeling.

The tips of my fingers are purple, I'm shaky and not feeling good. I had to force myself to eat, and I was just chewing the food and couldn't swallow. Luckily I managed to eat in the end. But I am feeling shaky all over. Trying to keep this under control!

I called the psychologist that I found the other day and am going there in a couple of hours on emergency.

I didn't think that it would come to this.
 

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