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Heart's breaking

prairiechick

prairiechick

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I'm in a funnel of despair that's taking me down. Why is he leaving his family like this? He's hurting so many people, so many more people than he can even fathom right now. And he has no idea how much he is hurting me right now either. I'll be talking with him in a week from tomorrow, but I am so afraid of what he might tell me. I know for a lot of you who read this, this is going to sound cryptic, but I can't say anything more right now. This is breaking my heart.
 
calypso

calypso

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\hey Spunky

He could well be leaving his family for a whole host of reasons. When a relationship goes wrong, there is something in it that is wrong and it is not your fault. Is there anything you can do to stop ruminating on this? Perhaps, do something else which can distract you, even if its baking a cake. You love cooking don't you? Just put all your thoughts in to concentrating on making the best cake you can. I think you need to give your mind a rest and let it off the hook for a while. I am sorry you are feeling like this. xxx
 
prairiechick

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Hey Calypso, thanks. I've been trying to get my mind off of this, but being home sick doesn't help much. I think I might have laryngitis or something. I've got a nasty cough and have almost completely lost my voice, and I could hardly talk on the phone with my sister for more than 5 minutes. I have no energy at all. It was a gorgeous day out, and I felt to sick to even get out for a walk. I see my psychiatrist on Monday, and I'm going to ask her to increase the dose of the trazodone.
 
maxitab

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Hey spunkygirl........sorry it is so hard, but I agree with calypso, your mind needs a break, you are getting exhausted ( hence the cold).......
Put it in a box and leave it there for a while, and refuse to let your mind play it out.....
:hug:
 
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rasselas

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Hang on in there, spunkygirl. The light always breaks through in the end.

 
W

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I'm so sorry you're not feeling well Spunky. That can't be helpig matters, as you say you're stuck at home, and this is something pretty major, it may well take your head sometime to come around to it all yet. I wish it weren't so tho. It is out of your control and must be between him and his wife, but I know how involved you feel in it all. I have a nasty bug at the mo too, all chesty, and I know it's tested me that little bit more over the last few days. had a full blown rage on wednesday - panic attack, i said things to people I would never say, I created such a scene at the hospital, i am so ashamed now! All i mean is that you need to have a way to deal with this, in a healthy way, otherwise you may well errupt like I did, and I don't want that to happen to my lovely friend. Please feel free to message me, may not get back til later, but don't feel isolated with this please. xxx
 
prairiechick

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Thanks guys. I know you are right. I've been obsessing about this the last week. Princess, I'm sorry you've been having a rough go lately too. Sometimes I feel like it would do me good to have a full blown rage about this, because then it wouldn't be stuck inside. I hate all the secrecy. I don't do well with keeping bad secrets. When I was in 12th grade in high school my cousin attempted suicide, the brother of my cousin who was later murdered. My aunt told my parents that we were't supposed to tell anyone, and I got so sick that I missed 3 days of school, and missed an English exam. I totally forgot about the exam, and when my teacher asked me if I was ready to write it, I burst into tears. She was worried and asked me what was wrong, and I told her I wasn't supposed to talk about it. Alarm bells went off for her, and she left the classroom with me to go see my school guidance counsellor. I finally told them about my cousin, and the school counsellor asked me if I had ever considered suicide. Of course I had, but I side-stepped her neatly and said, "Not seriously." And that was enough for her, she didn't push it any further. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and I am telling her about J. She's going to need to know why I am doing so poorly when a month ago I was down to 1/2 a tablet of Zopiclone, and now I'm back up to 2.
 
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Aww babe I'm sorry to hear about the zopiclone. that's a great shame, tho hopefully you can break the cycle soon and get back, it shouldn't be so hard if it's been a few weeks at that dose, but please do try and see it as just a temporary measure. No one will answer to that except you darling. But I understand you've probably found it even harder to fall asleep lately, and one thing you need is sleep, to be able to process all this emotion better. So when needs muct eh.

Does your shrink know about J already? Will you have to tell the whole tale? I know you don't see her that often, and possibly the last time, all was 'peachy' with him, so maybe you've not needed to bring it up?

I agree it's terrible to bottle it up, but it's something I find I do automatically pretty well, it's just when I have too much to juggle it all spills over the edges and starts to show in one way or another. I do hope your appointment tomorrow will be beneficial at this disheartening time for you.

Big hugs better from one sicknote to another xxx
 
prairiechick

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Thanks Princess. No my psychiatrist doesn't know, so I'll have to go through the whole thing, but I think it will be a bit of relief, because right now K is the only person I've been talking to about this. I've met with her 3 times in one month, which is more than she's ever done since I first got to know her about 6 years ago, but I still feel like I'm exploding, and I don't care if K or J wouldn't want me to tell my psychiatrist, she's going to know because it is having a direct impact on my mental health. I am so sick of all the secrecy, and it's all just because of his position in the church. Keeping secrets like this is what can destroy people.
 
bobshocker

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In every bloke there's the elemental bastard. The piece of him that can walk away from everything, leaving everybody up the creek.
I know only too well.
If it's any consolation the guilt trip isn't nice.
 
prairiechick

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Just got back from psychiatrist. She reacts too much when I tell her stuff. She said, "you know the reason most men leave their wives, don't you?" Not helpful. I do know, and I don't want to know. I don't want that to be true of J. At least she increased the dose of my anti-d (trazodone). Feeling really shitty right now. Sore throat (glands). Think I'll call in sick tomorrow.
 
W

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Just wanted to ask how it went today spunky. that doesn't sound helpful. the last thing we need is more tangents to go off on! So you briefed her on J (if brief is the right word for it?!) How about the sleeping tablets? Have you tried any others ever? just wondering if something else may work, I obviously don't know how it works, but just wondering if it's worth a go. When do you see her again? It's a long wait for you isn't it? Sorry youre not feeling any better - definitely wise to take it off if your around little ones too. a cuz you don't want to pass it on, and b cuz I know how I've felt just juggling 2 while being poorly! It's draining to say the least! Hopefully the sooner this bug goes for you, you'll start feeling a bit brighter in your mind also... xxxx
 
prairiechick

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Ha ha, it's the little ones that gave me this wicked sore throat. I couldn't even talk on Saturday. I know who the poor little culprit is, because last week her eyes were oozing green crap, and her mother wouldn't take her home to rest or see a doctor. And the poor little thing is only 6 months old.

At least my psychiatrist makes me realize that I don't have this all or nothing thinking as bad as she does. Priest leaves wife=must be having affair. I found myself saying things like, "well, there are no supports in the church for priests, so who's a priest supposed to talk to when he or she is struggling," and "I know it must have taken a lot of pain for him to come to the decision he made."

I'm starting to sometimes feel that derealization kicking in again, feeling like my surroundings aren't real. Yesterday when I went for a walk it felt so unreal, the trees, the filtered sunlight on the path. I started thinking maybe I'm dead and in heaven or something. But then, I probably wouldn't feel a blister starting on my toe if I was in heaven. So maybe I'm in hell, that's what it sure feels like these days, and maybe I'm in hell but still interacting with people because the spheres are touching. I should have told that to my psychiatrist. That would have made her sit up a bit. Anyway, I'll start taking the increased dose of trazodone, and hopefully I'll sleep better and start to feel less depressed and more like I'm actually still alive and the world around me is real.
 
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