Heartbreak

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Crazyinlove

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Yorkshire
#1
Hi. I’m new to this forum and never posted anything online before.
Just a brief background- my husband and I had been together 12 years when I ended our relationship. We both moved on very quickly but it was clear we both wanted each other back. He openly admitted he didn’t have feelings for her and he ended his year long relationship (they moved in together) and she didn’t take it very well at all.

I realised very early on that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life ending it in the first place but had no choice but to crack on.

To say I was his whole world would be an understatement. He made it very clear I was all he ever wanted. And I quite simply just got ‘bored’. We seemed to be in a rut, never had childcare to make time for some couple time etc.

We started talking about getting back together in August 2018. At one point, he seemed to back off, which scared me into thinking I wasn’t good enough compared to what he’d just had. We quickly moved on and got over it but I kept bringing up his relationship with her, constantly never feeling good enough.

Last night, after his ex found out about us trying again, he ended it saying he constantly feels guarded and although he loves me and I’ll always be the love of his life, he doesn’t feel like he used to and can’t relax, constantly worrying if what he’s doing is making me happy, thus having an effect on his work. He said he can’t process too much at once and didn’t think it was a good idea for us to carry on. His whole tone was very cold and sombre.

I’ve asked if we can maybe do marriage counselling - he agreed but said he didn’t think it would make any difference. I then suggested we both back off for a few weeks until he’s back up to speed with work - again, he agreed but said he wasn’t sure if it’d work.

We have 2 children together and we’ve not made them aware of anything at all over the last 6 months just in case it didn’t work so I’m grateful for that. What I didn’t expect was him throwing the towel in when the pressure is on. His ex used to play games and keep him away from my house by various different ways and one of the things I kept bringing up was this and how he didn’t see it and how he allowed her to do it to me.

He’s definitely the love of my life. I can’t relax with anyone else and he knows me inside out, we could talk about absolutely anything at all.

My heart feels like it’s been torn out. I know this is all my fault for instigating the split in the first place but I can’t go back in time.

Has anyone experienced the same and overcome it? Or got any advice that will help in some way?
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
137
Location
USA
#2
Yes to couple's counseling! Why? Because "I got bored" just doesn't cut it. I'll bet there's all kinds of stuff going on in your relationship dynamic and counseling will give you both the opportunity to really communicate in a safe environment. He needs to understand why you really left and I think you might too.
 
C

Crazyinlove

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Yorkshire
#3
Yes to couple's counseling! Why? Because "I got bored" just doesn't cut it. I'll bet there's all kinds of stuff going on in your relationship dynamic and counseling will give you both the opportunity to really communicate in a safe environment. He needs to understand why you really left and I think you might too.
You’re right, there was more to it - he was bad with money, would just spend it on materialistic things, I just felt like a mum and a wife and was working from home. He always wanted to do things as a couple and I’d just lost my identity I suppose and therefore never wanted to make the effort in the relationship. The saying ‘you never know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone’ is really true. He absolutely worshiped the ground I walked on and he’d literally do absolutely anything for me. I know this is ALL my fault and I really wish, in hindsight, I knew then what I know now. Apart from the monotony (all my side), I really was married to the perfect man. And in a few stupid arguments, I’ve allowed him to slip away AGAIN! I just can’t cope with that feeling 😔
 
M

Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
137
Location
USA
#4
Okay but it sounds like it's salvageable. Fight for it. Go to counseling. (That's what I would do).
 
C

Crazyinlove

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Yorkshire
#5
Okay but it sounds like it's salvageable. Fight for it. Go to counseling. (That's what I would do).
Thank you. I really hope so. I offered counselling but he said he’d go but didn’t think he’d change his mind.
We were in the same situation 12 years ago when we first got together. He’s 11 years older than me and he was at the age of settling and I was at the ‘partying’ age. He said then he just wanted to be on his own. We split for a few months and he came back for me. I just pray this repeats.
 
M

Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
137
Location
USA
#6
Thank you. I really hope so. I offered counselling but he said he’d go but didn’t think he’d change his mind.
We were in the same situation 12 years ago when we first got together. He’s 11 years older than me and he was at the age of settling and I was at the ‘partying’ age. He said then he just wanted to be on his own. We split for a few months and he came back for me. I just pray this repeats.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope it works out.
 
Yodagirl

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
160
Location
Georgia USA
#8
Hi. I’m new to this forum and never posted anything online before.
Just a brief background- my husband and I had been together 12 years when I ended our relationship. We both moved on very quickly but it was clear we both wanted each other back. He openly admitted he didn’t have feelings for her and he ended his year long relationship (they moved in together) and she didn’t take it very well at all.

I realised very early on that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life ending it in the first place but had no choice but to crack on.

To say I was his whole world would be an understatement. He made it very clear I was all he ever wanted. And I quite simply just got ‘bored’. We seemed to be in a rut, never had childcare to make time for some couple time etc.

We started talking about getting back together in August 2018. At one point, he seemed to back off, which scared me into thinking I wasn’t good enough compared to what he’d just had. We quickly moved on and got over it but I kept bringing up his relationship with her, constantly never feeling good enough.

Last night, after his ex found out about us trying again, he ended it saying he constantly feels guarded and although he loves me and I’ll always be the love of his life, he doesn’t feel like he used to and can’t relax, constantly worrying if what he’s doing is making me happy, thus having an effect on his work. He said he can’t process too much at once and didn’t think it was a good idea for us to carry on. His whole tone was very cold and sombre.

I’ve asked if we can maybe do marriage counselling - he agreed but said he didn’t think it would make any difference. I then suggested we both back off for a few weeks until he’s back up to speed with work - again, he agreed but said he wasn’t sure if it’d work.

We have 2 children together and we’ve not made them aware of anything at all over the last 6 months just in case it didn’t work so I’m grateful for that. What I didn’t expect was him throwing the towel in when the pressure is on. His ex used to play games and keep him away from my house by various different ways and one of the things I kept bringing up was this and how he didn’t see it and how he allowed her to do it to me.

He’s definitely the love of my life. I can’t relax with anyone else and he knows me inside out, we could talk about absolutely anything at all.

My heart feels like it’s been torn out. I know this is all my fault for instigating the split in the first place but I can’t go back in time.

Has anyone experienced the same and overcome it? Or got any advice that will help in some way?
I have Bipolar 1 and went through the same thing! Married 13 years at the time. I found a boyfriend once I moved to Florida and he found a girlfriend this went on for a year. We never actually filed for divorce and we decided we wanted to work things out. It wasn’t easy and took us a year to totally get back on track. I hope everything works out for you guys!
 
C

Crazyinlove

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Yorkshire
#9
Ah wow! Congratulations!
He’s recently, over the last few weeks, started phoning me every morning and every evening before bed with texts during the day. He makes out like he’s just wanting to know how our children were that day etc. He’s being very different and I’m trying to play it cool and go with the flow. Inside I’m desperate to ask what’s going on etc.

What happened inside that year you got back together?