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Heart vs Head



New member
Nov 20, 2008

Im new to this forum, and well my reason for joining is basically to see if i am as alone in my situation as I feel.

I have found out that my lady has bi-polar, something she doenst tell any one. I was aware she had an anxiety disorder from when she was a little girl, but i never knew she had been diagnosed with bi-polar a few months ago.

I actually wrote this post and realised i was writing a book, so i decide to shorten it. My lady has been through a lot, she has survived cervical cancer, had her stomach removed when it spread to her stomach. She regretted a drunken night where she slept witha co-worker, a week later he was killed in a car crash, she convinced herself that the cancer she had, and him being killed in the crash was punishment for her cheating that night. Her flat mates bf's best freind came round to hr place one night after a few drinks and decided he was going to have sex with her whether she wanted to or not so he strangled her as he raped her and has since got off the rape charge even though a couple other girls came forward saying he had done the same to them. And this one other guy, a low life, has spent months name calling her, bullying her, telling her she is bad person, that she has some how ruined his 4 yr old little girls life, metally confused the child, blaming my lady for acting like his childs mom ( the little girls mom was killed in a boating accident ), all because she would not date him, yet last week she got drunk and woke up the next day in bed with the guy having slept with him. All of this, has occured in the past 10 months. she has been working in the states during this time, and its only in the last few months has all this stuff been revealed, even her parents didnt know about her being sick, because like me, when we were to go visit, or she was to come here she always seemed to have an excuse, some where to go or something that she needed to do, so it was always a case of, could we re-arrange, which has allowed her to keep things from us.

Now i dont know enough about bi-polar for me to give that as an excuse for the stuff she has done. But i have read probably every article there is to find on the subject, and its almost sureal just how much of her behaviour is documented by other people with bipolar. The bad choices, the having sex and then waking up the next day full of greif, not sure how it happened. The trusting of people who then rape them or abuse them, the lack of common sense at times. The lies and the angry moods etc, the low opinions and self esteem, the times of being really happy, the other times talking like life isnt worth living

I love my lady, i really do, and the fact she has bi-polar does not scare me as i know, and well every one knows, her freinds and family know, if any one can keep her in check its me, id keep her safe, keep her away from those who would take advanatge of her etc. The problem i have is, now she has done all this stuff, she is actually hesistant to come home bacause she feels disgusting, horrible, my beautiful lady has gone from telling me how hot she is and how great she is ( i like my lady to feel good like this ) to now calling herself a slut, and a bad person.

As i write this she is in Seattle literally plucking up the courage to book her ticket home to London. And its like for me, how do i convince her other wise? The guy who bullied her told her she was a bad person, treated her like he thought she was a slut, i.e. few drinks then he would try it on. And now here i am, always have beleived in her, always tried to keep her thinking good about herself, and now she is finding it hard to see how or why i think good of her when people who have no reason to treat her bad have treated her like total crap, and now she feels i have actual reason to treat her bad, so its almost like she thinks im just trying to get her home so i can punish her.

I dont feel good, part of me wants to grab hold of her, and clean out all the negativity and replace it with the positives like she was before, to make her feel special, respectful of herself. Another part of me, the male pride of me, actually does feel like she went too far by sleeping with the guy who was bullying her for so long, that all he wanted to do was prove he could have her and kept on at her for nearly a year, and once he had what he wanted, from what she told me.....he literally pushed her aside as if to say....you made me wait for that?

So im sat now and its like the person i treasure most is a rag doll to these guys, unappreicated, they have taken her and broken her and just tossed her aside, she is so broken, she now looks at me as them, like im no longr the guy she loves instad im this big scary guy who will hurt her like the others have, that ill break her some more for all she has done wrong.

Lol, some times i feel like i have a mental disorder as my brain is up and down up and down all the time, its like some torment all the time, one day were good the next day she has messed up, one day i cant wait to hold her the next day im grossed out by what she has done.

I dont even know what im asking this forum for, answers? or maybe im asking for questions i dont know. Maybe just some one to turn around and say that whats happened in my life isnt anything new,that this is common stuff. Because right now i sit on my bed in London wishing i never let my ladt work in the states,because all that has come of it is misery, and the worst thing about it is.....she is actually scared of me and how im going to react now, and i dont know how to reverse that.

Im relying on her being brave, in a world where she has been abused and used by guys, for no reason at all, and the man she faces in me, in her mind, has every reason in the world to hurt her now.

Im leaving her alone this week to think, as i dont know what else to say to her other than come home, its time. :cry:


Hi WAevsa, I have read your post and I have heard this story a lot of times, my concern is that you can handle the situation and can cope with all that you now know about your lady and still love her and respect her because it takes a good man to be able to do that, Imo sex is only a bodily function and I sometimes find it difficult why couples split up when one partners been unfaithful because you can work it out if you love that person, it used to hurt me when I was younger to think that your partner has been unfaithful but with time it is easier to cope with. Anything she has done has not had any emotional bearings whot so ever, it sounds like its been a night mare for her and now she dosent feel sure about coming home to you. I do hope it all works out for you both take care jd


Well-known member
Jun 28, 2008
Yorkshire, UK
Hi Waevsa :)
I have bipolar and my boyfriend has done so much research on the matter so he know's basically what he's letting himself for (lol). There is a lot to read up and and it sounds that your lady has been through a hell of a lot BUT you sound very understanding and willing to accept her (well that's what comes across in your post :) but correct me if I'm wrong). Does she have some sort of support network, pyschiatrists, nurses, councillors, family, friends etc? Is she on any meds? All these will be able to help in a way.

The best thing for you to do is to have a good long think BUT do some research at the same time and see if you can start to understand her behaviour and what bipolar will mean to YOU as her partner (if it goes that way). You have to try and figure out which behaviours are caused by the disorder and which are hers too, because she can't blame all her wrong doings on the bipolar I'm afraid, it might play a part but certainly not all to blame. I'm really not looking forward to becoming totally manic (if i do again) because I'm not a nice person really and I'm scared I'll hurt my boyfriend and I don't know how he'd cope and I don't think he would "we'll have to cross that bridge when we get to it" is what he usually says. My views on sex are different to James' but hey, everyone's entitled too an opinion, my cousin has the same opinion about sex too. Anyways, I'm rambling :). So yeah, just think and do a little bit of research and most importantly TALK to your lady and get her to talk too :).

Hope everything works out
:hug: :flowers:

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