Heart&Break/ing

L

LostMe

New member
Joined
Oct 27, 2018
Messages
2
#1
I'm lost.

I have a history with depression. Long enough that I believe its sunk into my bones. I have low self-esteem, I'm alone, I'm scared, and am in constant pain. I've been told from a past co-worker that I am one of the most pessimistic-optimistic person they have ever met. I am filled to the brim with negativity, but hope shines through. Sounds like Pandora's box to me, now that I'm thinking about it. It's this hope that drove me to try and no longer be alone. I have had three boyfriends and all of them have ended because of my own depression getting the better of me where I got dumped once and the other just basically cutting me off. It's this last one, that I loved more than any of the others, that I broke up with last night, that's killing me.

We were together for almost 9 months, my longest relationship. We had A LOT happen over these last nine months. We moved in together (I was living with my parents and am planning on moving back tomorrow). I've made mistakes and he made bigger ones. He broke my heart, but I gave him a second chance. Gave him a second chance hoping he would not hurt me again, but I ended up hurting myself. He did something that betrayed my trust in him. He lied and got caught in his lie. I gave him a second chance and I was slowly starting to believe in him again, but that inkling of doubt pushed my negativity. Being alone and being away from him triggered negative thoughts that assaulted my composure/emotions. This happens a lot; since I have low self-esteem my mind is normally always thinking up something negative to put me down, but since it wasn't about me and was about him I started to lash out at him. I questioned everything he did, fought over petty things, took everything too easily to heart, made everything he said an attack on me, wanted to spend more time together that took time from his friends (which I don't have), gave him ultimatums, and I ended up blaming him- using his guilt- for the instability in our relationship. I am also frustrated because in a couple of months he's going to graduate and go home which is 4 States away. He betrayed my trust when he went home for the Summer, so doing another long-distance relationship with him is completely unnerving. (But for every bad moment, there were twice as many good/great ones) (We both had the greatest birthdays ever with each other)

But that is not the reason why I broke up with him, it's because of me. My depression runs deeps to a point that I believe it is a part of me and it's because of it that I believe I should be alone. I'm supposed to be alone, because my depression only hurts others. It's what made me blame him and hurt him using his guilt and that realization drove me to end it.

I have conditions (conditions for suicide) and he knows what they are. I have to be Physically weak, Mentally weak, Emotionally weak, and Spiritually weak. I am normally always strong in one, so it is always out the door. Being alone, before my boyfriend, I lived with my emotions closed off. I couldn't be emotionally weak. I was depressed, yes, but I was numb and operating. Neither weak or strong. I've convinced myself that that is the best I can hope for for myself. I'm not meant to be happy unless I can be happy alone. I've convinced myself that I am someone who can't be understood, can't be accepted, and can't be loved. I've convinced myself that he doesn't understand me, doesn't accept me, and doesn't love me. He's okay with the break up- my mind telling me it's because I was right about him not loving me. I made him feel guilty enough that he believes all the pain I am going through is his fault and he doesn't want me to be in a relationship that's not good for me- where all he's done is help give my life some focus and helped me decide what I wanted to do. I've tried telling him it's my fault. I apologized furiously, said my final goodbye, and because of it he wants us to use the weekend to give each other space and then talk on Monday. I don't know what to do. I've been switching from depressed numbness and crying all day. I'm planning on moving out tomorrow while he's not home, but he wants to talk on Monday. I want to break up because I know my depression makes me bad for him and he believes he's bad for me. I don't want to break up because I love him. I'm on here because I have no friends and no family to talk to. He was my confidant, but I can't go to him this time- or possibly ever again.

Help.
 
Last edited:
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,501
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
#2
Dear LostMe,
Before you can have a healthy relationship, which everyone is capable of, you are not doomed to be alone, you have to address your depression and co-dependency. It is only a programming problem. It is not a permanent feature of your personality. It is changeable.

You have to make a serious attempt at understanding why you do the things you do. Transactional Analysis would help. You can google that.

There are great books on Co-dependency. Read them. Throw yourself into it.

You see, you have to make an effort yourself. No one can do this for you.

:welcome: to the Forum.
 
L

LostMe

New member
Joined
Oct 27, 2018
Messages
2
#3
Dear Poopy Doll,

I've read about TA and I think it's helpful, I already had a similar idea of my own using (Child, Teenager, and Adult), but that parent aspect is new to me. My mother believes in being alone as well. The thing is, is that our communication was very good when we first got together. We rarely fought, told each other harsh truths and took it with a grain of salt, and everything was great (no depression at all) until he left for the Summer. He agrees that after the Summer we lost a connection. The beginning of that Summer was alright, it was my first long distance relationship but I chose that time to work on myself and we talked/texted at least once a day (goodnights) and that was enough for me. It wasn't until I caught him in a lie, almost broke up with him then but gave him the second chance, when things fell apart. I feel like because I was hurt and hurt by someone I started to love that my depression came back alive and it ruined the second chance I gave him.

This isn't the first time I heard the co-dependency thing. Both of our parents have mentioned it for each of us. Because I was alone, yes, I can understand how I may be co-dependent on him to fill the social aspect of my life, but before him I was alone and functioning- which I know I am capable of and have worked on. I've always had a purpose in life, he just gave me more of a focus. I can always work on myself, by myself. It's just that now I'm worried about everything he's doing because I can't trust him like I used to. At the beginning of every day I believe and trust him, but then my negative thoughts turn that trust into skepticism. He makes note that he does not NEED me, that's how he combats his co-dependency, I know it's true- for myself as well, but ever since he said that I felt kind of pushed away or limited in his life. Like he will never consider me family that he swears are people that he DO need.

I know I have some level of co-dependency. I try not to put everything about my life around him, but what I want help with is this negativity that is destroying me from the inside and my relationships on the outside. I think I might have some self-hate because I always go back to thinking that I don't deserve happiness and no one can love me.
 
W

WhiterShadeofPale

Active member
Joined
Oct 4, 2015
Messages
26
#4
I'm sorry you've feeling this - my only advice would be to seek support from a counsellor and when you're ready to talk to your boyfriend to try to be as true to yourself and open as possible as you have been here. You do deserve happiness and to be loved and what you're feeling at the moment doesn't define you.
 

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