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Hearing my baby cry

babyblue22

babyblue22

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Jan 23, 2019
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Uk
Hello,

7months ago my firstborn son was stillborn at full term. As the birth was so traumatic I have been diagnosed with PTSD alongside pre existing mental health problems.

I know that I’m not actually hearing my baby cry but I honestly believe it’s him. Sometimes I suffer from phantom kicks / movements too. I close my eyes and I’m back in that hospital going through everything all over again. I can’t sleep, eat, I feel like my baby needs me. Please tell me I’m not alone with some of these feelings?
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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The bereavement midwife said it was common but feels like my body and mind is playing horrible tricks on me...
 
C

celticlass

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Oh that must have been a dreadful experience to go through 😥 it is not really at all surprising you are having this feeling the little one is seeking out his mummy. At least I don't think so as someone who had 5 babies. I had a miscarriage after my second child, my only daughter. They told me at the hospital I at least had two healthy kids etc but I mourned the loss of that child I was looking forward to holding. Your experience has been so much worse and must be dreadfully painful. I think you need to be mainly guided by the professional staff. Having said that I wonder if it would help you to put together some kind of written journal of your thoughts and feelings? Maybe just seeing what comes out when you put pen to paper? Possibly you could look for poems and pictures etc that mean something to you and include them. This would also mean that in time when you maybe have another child/children you will have something to hand to show them when you tell them about their brother. Much love to you xxx
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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I write letters to Jordan which makes me feel closer to him. It is the fact that you are dreaming and grieving of a life unlived by someone. The thing is the professional staff are so busy I’ve been left on my own, was given a leaflet at the hospital about phantom kicks and hearing him. Apparently as I’m not tiered / exhausted from having a new born I will notice these things more. I just feel so utterly heartbroken xx
 
C

celticlass

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I understand what you are saying. Grieving for his potential that unfortunately is not now going to unfold in this world. Jordan is a lovely name by the way. Your little boy is at peace, and although you cannot see yourself there at present, that pain which is cutting through you like a sharp blade will surely fade. I don't know if you have thought of planting something in his memory. If space is difficult possibly something in a very large planter. We don't know why young children are sent down to earth then snatched back to heaven very quickly
When I miscarried, I felt certain that baby had been my second daughter. Oh it is a long time ago now. But sometimes I sense her calling Mum to me. So you are not alone in feeling still connected to your child xx I will try to get back to you tomorrow with some more if my thoughts xx
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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I'm so sorry, I lost my dad a couple of years ago. I sometimes feel him near.
It is common.
I think what your going thru is grief related as well.
We are thinking of you.
Hugs
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
289
Location
Uk
I understand what you are saying. Grieving for his potential that unfortunately is not now going to unfold in this world. Jordan is a lovely name by the way. Your little boy is at peace, and although you cannot see yourself there at present, that pain which is cutting through you like a sharp blade will surely fade. I don't know if you have thought of planting something in his memory. If space is difficult possibly something in a very large planter. We don't know why young children are sent down to earth then snatched back to heaven very quickly
When I miscarried, I felt certain that baby had been my second daughter. Oh it is a long time ago now. But sometimes I sense her calling Mum to me. So you are not alone in feeling still connected to your child xx I will try to get back to you tomorrow with some more if my thoughts xx
There is a poem that says:

An angel opened the book of life,
Wrote down our baby’s birthday,
As she closed the book she whispered,
This baby is too beautiful for earth.

I do feel so connected to him, we haven’t decided what we want to do with his ashes but we can take our time together to make the right choice.

Thank you for the support & kind words, nice to know I’m not alone in my feelings xx
 
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