He ripped my heart out!

[Hatstand]

Hello,
I've been married 3yrs and together for 15 with a lovely man who has suffered/suffers with depression. I've tried all sorts of things through out these years and none have seemed to have helped. It has come to the point where I'm finding it hard to cope. I met a man (and his wife) on a social networking site. They were friends with my husband. He also suffers with depression. We nattered and over a period of quite a few months. It seemed we had a lot in common and it helped an awful lot to talk about things. I think we helped each other. We were best friends. I completely opened up to him. Told him EVERYTHING.I had never done that to anyone before. I was so very happy. I had gained a couple of dear dear friends. One night,not too sure what happened but he and his wife had a huge argument and I was blocked out of his life, no goodbyes, no nothing. I've never been so unhappy and the feeling of utter worthlessness and heartbreak is so hard to deal with. It has been so difficult to stop myself from doing something stupid. I should've known I was being used. I WAS USED, HE LIED. I'm an idiot. I know the pain will ease but I will never be able to trust anyone like that ever again. Is this how my life is supposed to be? I feel so lonely.

 

[Ainsworth]

hey Hatstand

after reading your post, imo this man maybe had more feelings for you then just friendship (sorry may of got that wrong but its how i read it) hence the argument with his wife and the cut off.

you seem a very genuine person who went into a friendship with two people for support, so dont see how you can class yourself as an idiot.

what did he lie about to you, as you said he lied?

it sucks to feel alone, hopefully you can regain some trust on here and find some like minded people to build it over time

welcome to the forum

 

[jamesdean]

You were so obviously like a pawn in their little love game n something went wrong no one can that be that cruel has to just blank you witout reason n reason was because he obviously had strong feelings for you.

I have been abused by friends like this quite often people seemto enjoy hurting others it seems like its some kind of game in the most.

Like they say brush your self off n meet lovely people here that would never treat you like that man.

regards JD

 

[jemoess]

It's hard to deal with someone going through depression. I'm glad to hear that you are trying.

I think that there are other people who are a better choice then a male friend of your husbands. If you're finding it hard to cope, there are counsellors who can help you out. And now you have everyone here, too

What makes you think that he lied? If his wife became suspicious of the relationship, then he may have been forced to choose between his family and his friendship with you.

 

[Hatstand]

Thank you

Thank you all for your kind words and my warm welcome.

God,it hurt so much but I'm a tough cookie and I'm getting on with things. Wierd...I said 'things' instead of life. I feel as though I'm living someone elses life at the moment (who am I kidding?That's all I've ever done),not sure who I am or what I should do so I'm just getting on with things..day by day.

I'm not hurting as much now. I've come to terms with why he did what he did (well I've come to my own conclusions as there was no goodbyes etc).

They say there are takers and givers in this world. I've always thought myself to be a giver but I think soon I'm gonna have to start taking a little. I've worried for too many years about making people happy but I've forgotten about me. I'm going to have to turn my frown upside down hopefully that will make the people I care about happy too.

Thanks again for your support

 

[just.me]

The friendship you had with this man was causing him marital problems, his wife got jealous, he had a choice to make, and he chose his wife, which is perfectly understandable.

Whilst it hurts, and it will for a while, you have to move on from this, not really a good idea to get close to someone who is really not yours to get close to.

Time will heal the pain and you will be able to trust again.

 

[Hatstand]

Thanks for your honest and to the point 'get over it' reply just.me but at the same time it has made me feel worse than ever. I couldn't help getting close to him,it just happened. Now I feel like a home wrecker!

I effing well hate myself

 

[trombone_babe]

Hatstand don't hate yourself, getting close to people when you need support does just happen, I know that myself, over and over. It sounds very much like it was him at fault, not you. If you've not engaged in anything sexual with this man then you are not a home-wrecker.

I know it hurts, but the old cliché time heals really is true. Time to make new friends, and of course we are here to support you.

 

[Hatstand]

Thank you Trombone Babe.

What happened....happened and all I want to do is remember how wonderful he was and how wonderful he made me feel. I hope I helped him and made him feel great too. It's over and I get it..I get it completely why we can't be friends anymore but I just wanted a goodbye. I hate bad feelings.

He was an amazing man and I'm glad he was part of my life for that short period of time. I'll never forget him.

I'm moving to another country soon and I think this will help. A fresh start!

Time and music are a great healer you are so right Trombone Babe.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hatstand why are you a home wrecker? Isn't he and his wife together still? That doesn't make you a home wrecker.

I think online relationships can be very tricky because communicating with someone who is not physically there means that alot can be said that perhaps you wouldn't say face to face. You only have to look at the posts here to see that many people open up to the whole world about things they say they have never told anyone else.

This can mean that the intensity and depth of the friendships can be very quickly increased and outsiders who may not be privy to these conversations can get upset that this relationship is not boundaried by the usual social conformities and may cause jealousy and friction. And be upset that they chose to confide in you rather than what should be their first choice in confidante, their spouse.

You may have been completely straight with him, and your husband about this relationship and conversations, but he may not have been with his wife. He may have developed feelings for you that threatened his marriage, and it may have been his decision to stop that altogether to prevent it escalating into an affair (even if it was just in his heart).

There could be a multitude of different reasons he chose to stop contact, they may not be down to you at all. In fact you may have helped his marriage rather than wrecking it in that perhaps he learned to verbalise his feelings with you, which allowed him to verbalise his issues with his wife. Perhaps in doing this he realised that that was what he should have been doing all along and feels bad about it.

However I am sure you still have feelings about all this yourself. I am aware that the title of this thread is 'he ripped my heart out', in all honesty it is the kind of thing people say when they have been hurt in a love affair, and I do wonder if perhaps your feelings for him may have started to wander into feelings of attraction too.

However that is none of my business. I know just.me's response seemed not to help but sometimes with situations like this the only thing you can do is learn from it and move on, as hard as it is to do. I have found in life that generally if one friendship ends another blossoms in its place. Perhaps you can find some friends on here who also understand about depression and how difficult it can be living with someone with a MH condition as well as how rewarding it can be too.

Take care
Sapphire

 

[Hatstand]

You are indeed a SUPER moderator.

What you say makes complete sense and my experience with this man has taught me a few lessons. I opened up my heart and mind to this guy. Wore my heart on my sleeve when I should've tucked it back under my jumper where it belongs. Generally I think I'm a sensible girl but looking back I was a bit of a plonker.

I need to get back to concentrating on my relationship with my husband. I think after 15 years of trying so hard with him...this 'online' fella was a breath of fresh air. Now I need to hold my breath and dive back in. Living with someone you love so dearly and yet nothing you do seems to make them happy is so tiring.

Thanks for all your help