He punishes me

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Tessalone

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#1
Our story is like the most complicated and now he dumped me again. I have tried to see patterns and there are a few that come along. This one had to do with punishing me I think.

The story follows ... he wants me to do things on my own. See friends, go out. He is depressed and anxious and wants me to live my life. My cousins went on a cruise, and he was invited. He did not want to come. But he expressed before I left that his biggest fear was that I would meet someone else on the cruise.

On my way back home, on the bus, he dumped me. Out of the blue. He was so angry, wanting to see other women. NOT wanting a relationship with me. I tried to calm him down but in vain. Now he is out on dating sites seeing other women. And I am dumped again.

My theory is that he is jealous. And when I am away his anxiety starts building up. Then he feels like shit and his solution is to dump me before I dump him. For reasons that he totally made up in his own head. And he becomes unreasonable and mean.

It's been soon three years and he has dumped me several times. Out of different reasons, all connected to anxiety. But somewhere down under everything is connected with his fear of me leaving him. And I never have. I have expressed my love and loyalty in a million ways and always stood by him supporting him. I have taken tons of shit from this man and never ever threatened to leave him. Still, this happens again. I don't think he is coming back this time, and if he will I will not take him back. I have had it with this punishing/running after other women/coming back crying-piece of shit-man :(. But I am just curious if this behavior is something anybody recognizes and can explain to me so I understand what is going on in his head and if he will try to return again.
 
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ErnestK

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#2
Hey, first of all think about the title you gave to this thread - He punishes me.
Have you done anything wrong? I don't think so. It's just that he uses you when he needs it. If you think about this you may come up with answers and reasons for which he needs you.


And secondly I have heard this many times "I will not take him back. I have had it." and seen couples back to relationship after this.
I think this happens because you think about him too much, even now.
All you need to know and think about is that he has done bad things to you, he was deceiving you, he was unfaithful to you.
And this should just be a lesson for you, a life experience after which you gain a new knowledge and become aware of people like him.
Stop thinking about this horrible person and start thinking about this beautiful one - you.
 
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Tessalone

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#3
You are so right. I need to stop thinking about him and focusing on him. He really, truly is not worth me. I have fought for him and given him my life and he treats me like garbage one day and puts me on a piedestal the next. My life will be better without him.
 
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ErnestK

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#4
I would call this - must go through - period.
Just remind yourself that yes, it will be hard to forget him. Yes, it will hurt very much. But you need this pain to learn an important lesson in your life. This pain forces our brains and hearts to go to new level of awareness.
And don't believe anyone who says - you will need 2 months to get over it or you will need 2 weeks or a year. The time you will need depends on your personality, relationship you had and the environment you are in.
You might need a month or just a second to get a sudden awakening and live free and happy life again.
 
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Tessalone

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#5
The first time he left I nearly died. After three months of anxiety and massive crying I fell into a depression. That was a year ago. Since then, every time he has left, I have cared less. This time I cried once, and I know I will get through this. I miss the idea of losing the love of my life more than I miss him.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#6
If hes done this loads of times, I'd say to not take him back, he will never change and will keep on doing the same thing, hurting you :grouphug:
 
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gam9147

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#7
It does get easier when you are 'used' to this sort of thing. My wife left once before, and now wants a divorce. She used to constantly be anxious that I would 'get tired of her and leave'. Its really quite the other way around. I'm sure not quite the same thing as your situation but similar. It's been hard this time and probably will get harder, but sadly I've had 'practice' for this before...

The anxiety is hard to keep in check through it all, but it would be for anyone.
 
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Tessalone

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#8
I have told him over and over again that I can deal with the anxiety, I can deal with him pushing me away, I can deal with the depressions, the bipolarity and the jealousy. But I can not deal with him chasing other women as soon as we have a small problem. I can not take that.
Before I have always taken him back and done everything for him to make him feel better, I have put my own life on hold, been the best I can be, done everything to make him happy, avoided subjects I need to talk about that are tough for him, taken his shit without picking fights, when he has said mean things. I have been SO GOOD to him. My patience has been out of this world. Still, he leaves me. And starts chasing others. I wrote to him that he has two months to get his act together and offer me a stable relationship. I know he won't be able to do that, so it's more of setting a limit for this. The first ultimatum ever, in soon three years. The first time I demand anything, just think of the angel (idiot) I've been! He will not come back, and if he does he will not be able to be the man I need. I have had enough. He blames his anxiety for behaving like an asshole and treating me like shit. I will not take anymore. I am highly educated, smart, funny, nice, patient, well paid and good looking. I have to be able to do better than this. And if not I would rather keep myself company than be treated like this. He makes me start to doubt myself and feel not good enough. I was happy and strong when I met him, now I am tired and broken. I have to rebuild myself. He will never hurt me again. And it is his loss. I want to see him find a woman with more patience than me. No can do...
 
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Tessalone

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#9
gam 9147 - he does that too. He is so afraid that I will get tired of his shit. He says that his biggest fear is losing me. When he thought I had given up on him he had panic attacks for the entire night. He says over and over again that he does not want a relationship with me because he only hurts me and he wants me to be fine, so he leaves me. To keep me safe from him. And he cries. He cries, he cries, he cries. He is my twin spirit. He knows it too. We have a deep psychological bond. I have been engaged before and even married for a decade. But this is the biggest love I ever felt. That is why it has been so damn hard to let go. But he did it. He killed the biggest love I ever felt... I will probably always love him. But I have to protect myself. I can't do this anymore. I need peace.
 
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gam9147

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#10
It's very good your talking this all out, I am jealous of you in that you are able to express your emotions and feelings. I'm much more numb and have trouble feeling right now. But we are all in our own place, and thats ok!

When you say biopolar, is he clinically diagnosed as bipolar or are you just saying he's indecisive? My wife is clinically bipolar, and the problem in relationships with bipolar individuals is that they will mood swing from depressed and I need you to manic and I don't want this -- and that can happen often and quickly which freaks out those lose loved ones.

If he really is biopolar or you think he might be , and you do have occasion to talk to him again (take care of yourself first!) -- highly suggest he get a psychiatrist to help him. Biopolars who are not on some kind of mediciation for the condition are very self destructive, and although your hurting now, I imagine later even if you aren't together you'd want him to get the help he needs to feel better. I know I want that for my wife despite 20 years of her pushing back against it and not really being willing to put the effort into it.
 
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Tessalone

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#11
He is diagnosed bipolar. I investigated and found out that I suspected that when he left a year ago. I talked about it to him when he came back. I found out where he should go to get help. I took time off work and accompanied him to support him at the doctors, I have supported him through medication, he has switched twice because of side effects. I have helped him before going to psychiatrist to talk the problems through, because he finds it tough to talk to strangers. I have lived as his care taker, shrink and lover for the last year. I have thought that if he is well we will be well. But no. He is not getting there.
 
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gam9147

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#12
gam 9147 - he does that too. He is so afraid that I will get tired of his shit. He says that his biggest fear is losing me. When he thought I had given up on him he had panic attacks for the entire night. He says over and over again that he does not want a relationship with me because he only hurts me and he wants me to be fine, so he leaves me. To keep me safe from him. And he cries. He cries, he cries, he cries. He is my twin spirit. He knows it too. We have a deep psychological bond. I have been engaged before and even married for a decade. But this is the biggest love I ever felt. That is why it has been so damn hard to let go. But he did it. He killed the biggest love I ever felt... I will probably always love him. But I have to protect myself. I can't do this anymore. I need peace.
wow, yes definitely very similar to what I have with my wife. I am extremely empathetic. It sounds like yours is very more unstable than mine on a day to day basis, I'm so sorry. But the result is the same... the push away without you even being able to weigh in. My wife over the years has withdrawn in so many ways, mostly little. But she always 'wants more space' 'wants more space'... too much space for a normal relationship.

and I know what you mean, I have a deep connection with my wife, to this moment we are very very very best friends, I've known her for about 18 years now. I can't see that even changing through a divorce, although I imagine we'll slowly grow more apart. but she understands me and accepts me (except the anxiety a lot), she just seems to reject herself very similar to what your saying.

I'm so sorry your going through all this and I know how you feel.
 
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Tessalone

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#13
I am sorry for you going through the divorce as well :( I hope you can find stability in your life afterwards :(
 
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gam9147

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#14
He is diagnosed bipolar. I investigated and found out that I suspected that when he left a year ago. I talked about it to him when he came back. I found out where he should go to get help. I took time off work and accompanied him to support him at the doctors, I have supported him through medication, he has switched twice because of side effects. I have helped him before going to psychiatrist to talk the problems through, because he finds it tough to talk to strangers. I have lived as his care taker, shrink and lover for the last year. I have thought that if he is well we will be well. But no. He is not getting there.
my wife switched so many medications, and ended up on lithum, but I'm not sure it does enough for her. It is so difficult to get the 'perfect' medication on bipolar and even then I think I have to wonder whether its effective enough. It's so much harder than anxiety -- just take SSRIs and done many times.. (oversimplified obviously but medication wise).

Please stay strong and we'll both get through this! I have to run for now, but I'll check back in later tonight.