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He lied to me, and now it's finally over

katya

katya

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I'm so upset.

I've been hanging onto my ex for ages now.

We broke up some time after I moved out of our shared house because the couple we were renting with became impossible to live with: physical abuse; problems with money; drugs. One of the reasons we were still there was because my job is only temporary until September, and my boyfriend was unwilling to even hypothetically support me, despite me being really unhappy in an abusive situation.

He emotionally abandoned me throughout this time and couldn't see that I'd left the situation, because it was too stressful, and that I didn't leave him. I kept trying to reassure him, but to no avail, and when he started to say that he didn't owe me anything and seemed to be siding with the other couple, I cut ties.

Recently he opened up to me and said that my moving had created parallels between myself and his mum, who left him when he was very young after abusing him and always made him feel like on the verge of being homeless. I could understand how this would make him behave the way he had, and was willing to forgive him if he were willing to get some kind of therapy. He also said that he loved me and that I was worth fighting tooth and nail for, and that even if he had to live in a B&B to live with me, he would (not that it's even likely he'd have to).

I contacted him today about finding a flat nearer to my work, and he's gone back on everything he said during this conversation and said that he won't support someone without a secure job and that I left him and he doesn't owe me anything.

I'm so pissed off because that conversation had me holding on for longer than I should have. I've now cut off all contact, which is good, but it feels like I'm now going through the whole thing again.

I'm just so hurt he doesn't care enough to fight for me.
 
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MarlieeB

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I'm sorry hun that he has gone back on what he said before :hug1:

I hope you will be ok.

xxx
 
Anime-Alchemy

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I'm soo sorry to read about this sis. I hope there is some way you two could get back together, maybe in the future? But for now it's best you two go your own ways? Are you sure you want to cut all ties with him?
 
katya

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I'm sorry hun that he has gone back on what he said before :hug1:

I hope you will be ok.

xxx
I will be. I'm glad this has happened now before I sorted myself out once and for all, job-wise, only to have him come out of the woodwork and to decide he wants to be with me, but only because he'd never have to lift a finger to support me. To me, that would have been an insult.
 
katya

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I'm soo sorry to read about this sis. I hope there is some way you two could get back together, maybe in the future? But for now it's best you two go your own ways? Are you sure you want to cut all ties with him?
I hoped so for a long time, but, I consider supporting each other an integral part of a relationship, and if he's not willing to do that, then I'm unwilling to invest my emotions in him anymore.

My job is stressful enough without knowing that my relationship hinges on it too. He's put me through too much at too much of an important time.
 
Anime-Alchemy

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I hoped so for a long time, but, I consider supporting each other an integral part of a relationship, and if he's not willing to do that, then I'm unwilling to invest my emotions in him anymore.

My job is stressful enough without knowing that my relationship hinges on it too. He's put me through too much at too much of an important time.
I understand sis :) I guess what you need is a break from relationships? Just focus on yourself and your life. I also hope he can overcome his problems.

We're all here for you!
 
Unique1

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So sorry to hear this jruth. You don't deserve this, it does feel so awful to feel lied to and to have put so much into something. I can totally understand you feeling pissed off.

not making excuses for him but do you think those parallels you mention have stirred in him some confusion and insecurity, which in turn is making him act the way he is toward you. It just struck me that he had said not long ago he loved you and would move with you and was fighting for you, and this is such a turnaround in a short space of time.
Either way it's not nice for you and I really understand how you feel.

Thinking of you xx
 
katya

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I understand sis :) I guess what you need is a break from relationships? Just focus on yourself and your life. I also hope he can overcome his problems.

We're all here for you!
Yeah, I think I need a good, long break. Focus on being good in my job without any romantic attachments to play with my emotions negatively. I'll become a lonely career woman - yaaay! Nah, it's a good thing.

Thanks. I really appreciate all the help from the people on this forum. :)
 
katya

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So sorry to hear this jruth. You don't deserve this, it does feel so awful to feel lied to and to have put so much into something. I can totally understand you feeling pissed off.

not making excuses for him but do you think those parallels you mention have stirred in him some confusion and insecurity, which in turn is making him act the way he is toward you. It just struck me that he had said not long ago he loved you and would move with you and was fighting for you, and this is such a turnaround in a short space of time.
Either way it's not nice for you and I really understand how you feel.

Thinking of you xx
That's exactly right. I realised that he was on a lot of benzos when he was talking to me about me being worth it. So, I don't know what the reality actually is: whether he actually cares about me, and is willing to support me, or if he doesn't. Either way, I can't hang on for someone who is unwilling to show me the love and respect I deserve.
 
Unique1

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That's exactly right. I realised that he was on a lot of benzos when he was talking to me about me being worth it. So, I don't know what the reality actually is: whether he actually cares about me, and is willing to support me, or if he doesn't. Either way, I can't hang on for someone who is unwilling to show me the love and respect I deserve.
Yes understand, I have a feeling he does actually care, in which case I don't think you have heard the last from him, I could be wrong of course, only time will tell.
I agree with you though you deserve love and respect and someone who sticks by you, and you have to get on with your life. You have been through a lot in recent weeks and you have done so well.
X
 
katya

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Yes understand, I have a feeling he does actually care, in which case I don't think you have heard the last from him, I could be wrong of course, only time will tell.
I agree with you though you deserve love and respect and someone who sticks by you, and you have to get on with your life. You have been through a lot in recent weeks and you have done so well.
X
I think I will probably hear from him, but I'll be very surprised if all of this turns around; I don't know if he's actually willing to support me. I'm just pissed off because it's nowhere near 100% that he'd have to, but the thought that, some day, he might have to help to support me financially for even a little bit outweighs any love he has for me, just shows me he's the sort of person I want to be with. I can't form a life with someone like that. I would support him in a heartbeat, if the tables were turned. Life is full of ups and downs and you have to be willing to take the good times with the bad.

Thanks for your kind words. :)
 
Unique1

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E
I think I will probably hear from him, but I'll be very surprised if all of this turns around; I don't know if he's actually willing to support me. I'm just pissed off because it's nowhere near 100% that he'd have to, but the thought that, some day, he might have to help to support me financially for even a little bit outweighs any love he has for me, just shows me he's the sort of person I want to be with. I can't form a life with someone like that. I would support him in a heartbeat, if the tables were turned. Life is full of ups and downs and you have to be willing to take the good times with the bad.

Thanks for your kind words. :)
Yes jruth, think I would feel exactly like you. The support thing is very important, I guess it's about unconditional love ! I've been single for a couple of years now, never ever thought I could do it, it has some advantages, took a bit of getting used to, but it helped me to find out more about me, which has been a great help. I still havnt ruled out meeting 'the one' one day but (and can't believe I can now say this) I'm happy to wait and make sure it's right, don't think anything can be perfect but it can be more right for us....
You got us on here to chat to as well.
Hope you feel a little less pissed off, I guess it will take time for that feeling to go.
In the meantime Take care of yourself. X
 
SarahD

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Hi jruth,

So sorry to hear what has happened. You have been through a lot recently.

I think he sounds as if he is conflicted, he does love you, and maybe the recent situation has stirred up old insecurities for him. But also he hasn't thought through the implications of a mature committed relationship, where you help and support each other over all the problems you encounter in life, and that includes emtotionally and financially.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sending,love xxxx Sarah
 
katya

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E

Yes jruth, think I would feel exactly like you. The support thing is very important, I guess it's about unconditional love ! I've been single for a couple of years now, never ever thought I could do it, it has some advantages, took a bit of getting used to, but it helped me to find out more about me, which has been a great help. I still havnt ruled out meeting 'the one' one day but (and can't believe I can now say this) I'm happy to wait and make sure it's right, don't think anything can be perfect but it can be more right for us....
You got us on here to chat to as well.
Hope you feel a little less pissed off, I guess it will take time for that feeling to go.
In the meantime Take care of yourself. X
Thank you. It sounds like you're in a really good place - it's better to be alone than to feel lonely in a relationship, after all. Well done for getting there. I feel like I'm on that road at the moment too. You're right about the unconditional love thing, too; that was never A's thing, and I should've seen the warning signs before, really. I will now, anyway.

Thanks for your support.
 
katya

katya

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Hi jruth,

So sorry to hear what has happened. You have been through a lot recently.

I think he sounds as if he is conflicted, he does love you, and maybe the recent situation has stirred up old insecurities for him. But also he hasn't thought through the implications of a mature committed relationship, where you help and support each other over all the problems you encounter in life, and that includes emtotionally and financially.

I am sorry you are going through this. Sending,love xxxx Sarah
I think he does, yeah. But for him, love isn't everything. So I guess it can't work, 'cause, for me, it kind of is (when you're in a relationship with someone, anyway).

Thank you for your hugs; it really helps.
 

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