He is messing with my mental health

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detectivelil

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#1
My boyfriend at the minute is causing me issues that just do not needed added on to the stresses i am already dealing with right now.
I suffer from GAD and so daily life can quite often be a struggle nevermind everything i am dealing with. He knows the stresses are bound to have an impact on me. They would anyone. But that is another story!

He has been wanting me to be more affectionate. I just cannot. The thoughts are not entering my head to go and kiss or hug him, so it doesnt occur to me that i should do it. I was affectionate before all of this. My reaction to stress is to withdraw and i dont ever look for physical comfort. It was never shown to me, so i deal with it alone.
There is nothing stopping him from coming to me i do not reject it and in fact i quite like physical contact! He keeps complaining about it and ive tried to ask him to try and understand.
He is now saying if i dont become more affectionate then the relationship is going to fall apart.

Please bare in mind that i am still affectionate, just not as i was. But nor is he!
Every night i give him a kiss and cuddle goodnight. This may be the first form of physical contact all night - but that isnt just down to me.
Sometimes he will not kiss me back, because it is the first physical contact so it is pointless.
So out of both of us...i am the one who has attempted and he has rejected!! But i get told i show no affection!
If we lie on the sofa to watch a movie, because he is the one spooning me, HE is being affectionate but i apparently am not.
He does now shower me with affection like i think he believes he does. He is equally as limited on it as i am, but he doesnt see this.

I keep questioning whether i have just turned cold on him -but at the same time, if roles were reversed i would try and be understanding, not complaining. Though i understand if he wants more affection, they are his needs and they are equally as valid as mine. But he is aware i am struggling with that right now. He knows i would not reject him and would welcome the affection, so why is he not just coming for it if he wants it that badly to the extent he is prepared to end the relationship.
I dont understand. It is affecting my mental health because i keep rerunning over and over that i must be doing something wrong. I cannot get away from the fact he is just as bad for it as i am. At least when he does show affection i accept it and recognise it. He shuns my attemps and tells me they are no good.
 
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Strugglingwithlife

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#3
Sorry to hear you are struggling in your relationship detectivelil, I think these things are so hard cos' everyone has their own struggles and battles and it sounds like he is going through some stuff too to have the need to call for so much affection and make a big deal out of it. It's not good that he is threatening the relationship though with it, I feel that when each person starts to try to change or criticise the other it can be a downward spiral as now you're worried about not making him happy, and that worry is going to make everything worse...

Hoping you find your answer soon and hoping you can be at peace with each other as you are. Loads of love xXx
 
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detectivelil

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#4
Im not aware of him going through anything, im sure he would tell me.
He says im not the person he fell in love with anymore. If i was to give more affection, i would be.
He will not tell me how long i have to sort myself out. Which i personally dont believe i should have a time frame on it. I have said if you arent happy, and im not who you fell in love with then why drag it out and add extra stress and pressure my way?
Im starting to feel he is pushing for me to end things, but he wont admit that.
 
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detectivelil

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#5
I also have the added worry of if i do try, are my efforts going to be good enough. Because they havent been in the past.
I am so stressed out from all of this.
 
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misssadness

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#6
You are going through quite a difficult time right now and the last thing you need is him putting added pressure on you. He does not sound like he is thinking of you at all. It is totally out of order to say you have a certain time to sort yourself out! Mental illness does not work that way. It is not something you can control. If you have tried explaining how you feel to him and nothing has changed then there is little you can do. I would say you need to concentrate on yourself right now and your mental well being. If he is adding to your stress then is it worth staying with him?
 
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detectivelil

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#7
No it probably isnt worth staying with him, realistically. I cant help but feel that i am the cause of all of this though. Part of me is hoping that he could understand.

I am going to try and focus on myself now though. If he isnt happy and decides to end it, then so be it.
He is asking me to change who i am and that is unacceptable. I may not be the person he fell in love with, right now. But that doesnt mean i wont be that person again, once things are lifted from me. He could help with that, but it seems he is doing the opposite.
 
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misssadness

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#8
You are being so strong and brave. You need support right now and if he cannot give that to you then you really are better off without him. I am sorry this has happened but at least now you can concentrate on your well being.:hug1:
 
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detectivelil

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#9
Thank you.
I have told him that he is the only one who can see us ending so to make his decision rather than hanging me from a thread.
 
D

detectivelil

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#10
Hes managed to put that on me instead.

Its not hard to show affection, no matter what you are going through. We are drifting away and he is trying to solve the issues. I can try or not try the choice is mine.
 
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misssadness

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#11
It is very hard to show affection when a person is struggling. I know I am less affectionate when I am down. I hope you feel able to make the right decision for you.
 
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detectivelil

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#12
Thank you. I knew i wasnt mad and i wasnt the only one. I have more of an understanding for myself than he ever could, i think. I just know if roles were reversed i would be understanding.
What he is wanting, is for him to not make any form of physical contact, and for me to do it all. When i dont, he complains there has been none.
That is not just down to me.
It is as if he is aware of my issue and deliberately escalating it to use it against me.
If he had said he was struggling with affection, i wouldnt refuse to give it to him - i would probably offer him more. If i wasnt feeling the way i am anyway.
 
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misssadness

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#13
He sounds like he is trying to control you in a way. How silly to want you to make the first moves. He is not a child. He is very immature. You really do not need this extra stress in your life. You are going through enough as it is.
 
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detectivelil

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#14
Thank you for understanding misssadness :) i really dont need that extra stress, so im going to ignore it. I cant force myself to become as affectionate as he would like me to be. Alls i can do is continue being who i am at the minute.
 
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misssadness

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#15
You should always be yourself and not let anybody make you feel you have to change. I am so pleased you are not going to let him make you feel bad any more. You are being so strong.
 

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