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Having Violent Thoughts

BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
I wasn't too sure where to post this.

The university counsellers haven't got back to me yet after I made an appointment a while ago and I feel like I'm getting worse now.

I've been having incredibly violent thoughts and impulses for the last 6 or 7 months and they've been getting gradually worse ever since. Several times a day my mind will be assaulted by very vivid images and imaginings of really violent acts being committed by me on people I know.

These are people I know who I feel have wronged me or betrayed me and the thoughts feel like some sort of gleeful desire for revenge. I obviously can't go into detail about the precise content, but they're shockingly graphic and brutal. These thoughts can arrive very suddenly and abruptly. Sometimes they're triggered by some memory or thought or something I see, but other times they come unprovoked without warning.

They seem to have a bad physical effect on me too. They cause me to become incredibly agitated, nervous and restless and often make me pace rapidly around the room wringing my hands. If it's a really bad one, it can make me hurt myself.. I feel this horrible need to hurt someone when this happens, sometimes another person and sometimes myself.

It's particularly bad in when I first wake up in the morning, and my head in it's half-asleep dreamy state is tortured with vivid images and I can hear angry thoughts, voices and screaming echoing around my head urging me to violence. I don't know if it's the sound of my own thoughts/voice or someone else.

I don't feel safe around other people. I feel like I'm a danger to myself and the people around me. Even strangers in the street give me horrible mean glares and it provokes violent thoughts towards them. These thoughts and impulses have caused a lot of self-hatred on my part and have resulted in self-harm many times.

I would've attempted to speak to the university counsellers about it, but they haven't responded to my attempts to make an appointment. I was put on a waiting list and they were supposed to call me for the appointment but they haven't. I'm scared if I tell anyone I'll get locked away. I can't quite find an explanation for this an any mood or personality disorders I know of. Nothing quite seems to match up to how I feel and the problems I'm having.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere and shouldn't be alive. I feel like I don't really belong on this forum either as evryone here is so kind and supportive of each other and I'm just an evil monster. I don't even know why I really made this thread. I think I just needed to type it out or something.

I'm sorry everyone. :cry:
 
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FallenAngel2

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 8, 2014
Messages
366
Hello :)

Just remember, these are thoughts you are having. Confined to your mind alone and there is nothing offensive about that. I, myself have had violent thoughts over the many years and have gone that one step further than you and have committed acts of violence (not the ones in my thoughts)

Hopefully you can find someone to talk to and maybe they can help you with these thoughts.

Doesn't make you any worse as a person. :hug: :hug:
 
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Polar Bear

Guest
I've experienced this. Thinking of beating shit out of people who hurt me. Such anger. It passed though. I think it might be quite normal?
 
S

sci31A

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2014
Messages
459
I deal with bad people daily, it seems to be the norm having to live side by side with such individuals.

And yeah it's very normal wanting to fight back (instinct), I myself every time someone does something to me or toward me I just want to beat that person half to death, maybe break one or two of their bones teach them some manners.

But yeah your also right it passes, try smoking e-cigarettes for calming purposes.
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

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Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
Hmmm... I try hard to relax but I'm not a fan of smoking in any shape or form.

I know they're just thoughts, but they're really upsetting and intrusive and I'm scared I'll end up acting on them out of some uncontrollable impulse.

I keep thinking that suicide would be the best way to garauntee I don't hurt anyone. I won't be able to live wit myself if I hurt or killed someone.
 
H

Helena1

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Forum Safety Team
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Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,575
Location
UK
i think the fact that you are upset about having them means you are probably no more likely than the rest of us to act upon your violent thoughts.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,826
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
A physical outlet might help alleviate some of the pent up anger and aggression, a vigorous form of exercise, like running, sports, swimming. You could try standing a mattress against the wall and punching it till you wear out your aggression, (Had a nefew tell me he did that and it worked wonders for him). Maybe getting involved in martial arts where they can teach restraint and mood control along with the physical exercise outlet. Just some idea's. Hope it helps
 
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
I try my best to go swimming and to the gym as often as I can, but it doesn't keep the bad thoughts away. They're always there before, during and after.

I've tried hitting things but it just tends to get my blood pumping harder. :(
 
F

Faceless

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
59
Join the club, I want to rip the shit out of people most of the time. Don't often do it, not often but still feel like it.
 
R

Rose19602

Guest
Hey Blueberry,
That sounds quite disturbing and I can see why you would be worried about telling people about it.
No one wants to be thought of as violent.

There are probably quite a few different explanations as to where it comes from....and talking to someone would be helpful perhaps. Maybe you have to be brave, but let it out gradually once you have built up trust with a counsellor and they have a better grasp of your difficulties?

It may be something that is troubling you and is down to anxiety and intrusive thoughts....or maybe it's memories....or maybe something more. I don't know.....but it will be better if you can talk about it with someone and then move on from there once you can understand where it comes from.

I think that trying to punch the anger out etc. is helpful if you know what you're punching against and why.

Hope you get your counselling through soon.
x
 
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