- Feb 2, 2019
Hi all. I’m having trouble. I don’t know what is wrong with me . I have no sense of reality at all. Like everything is imagined. Nothing has meaning or makes sense. I have no feeling emotion or connection to what’s going on. Without a role to appear as someone I don’t exist. Everything is constantly different . I can’t seem to understand the world . It’s getting wierder. I started to realise everything s “outside “ and not just me. And it’s terrifying. People can be anything. Things could be anything. And nothing has meaning. Eg I imagined my daughters face went into the radiators and is floating in there and wants to talk to me. I kinda know it isn’t true, but also don’t have anything inside to say it isn’t . I don’t know what I am. My body is in terror. Like if I stop “doing” then I’ll get attacked by things . It’s like I’m holding off somehow going completly. Mad by holding an image of what reality should be in my head and pretending. There’s a terror and rage that feels like a tidal wave of noise and images and sensations waiting to wash me away. Very old fashioned schizoid to schizophrenia like r d Laing . No one seems to be able to help or understand the madness I’m holding back. People are just things and I’m a thing in a strange terrifying land. I’m pretending as much as I can but I don’t understand what’s going on. I just copy and act. Sometimes face is melting. Sometimes ima werewolf. Sometimes my legs feel twisted and dissapear. I’m completely paranoid of what people are. Distorted faces etc. Whatever my thoughts say Is true. There’s an empty panic getting up like there’s nothing to do or experience. People are saying I’m going on but I’m clinging on in panic , slipping away. Like everything I’ve done to create myself was never real, just an image. And without that it’s a chaotic jumble of sensations thoughts and images that don’t make sense or are loud. I pace and walk or just stand and do nothing in terror of stopping. I’m trying not to look weird because acting normal is the last thread of reality to cling to. I can’t tell if my head is part of that tree or a noise is inside or outside . The plane I can say is a plane but I don’t know for sure . What is it really. Is it a toy just that size can I reach up and grab it. I feel sick because I’m all alone in a weird land with no meaning and nothing to do but act normal. I have no experiential self. I cling to an image but am close to complete panic. I want to run away from myself . Without an image to appear I feel like a blob connected to everything in a weird jumble. Like everything’s just me. It’s unbearable despair at not having a flow that people connect to. They have a home in their bodies and with me there’s nothing there. Any advice would be great. It’s getting to the point where if you can’t feel and connect and experience then what’s the point. I know people are these things that have something I haven’t. There’re just weird cardboard things moving about doing stuff. I’ve survived a long time copying and imagining and pretending . I feel I’m going to dissapear into myself . People are telling me to get a grip but I’m genuinely pretending to not be completely mad. I think thoughts and they’re real. Like driving car my brain can shoot out my head and knock trees over . And it’s as true as it isn’t. I could even be delusional about what I am and what I’m doing. Once I stop pretending to appear normal then anything could happen . Like letting go into a sea of anything. No one will diagnose me or knows what to do. There’s an unbearable tension and rage and panic that I’m trapped inside a strange body . I sometimes want to harm myself. Or shave my head and run naked gibbering. It’s true madness inside waiting . Just a meaningless chaotic jumble. sorry for the long post. I’m pretty desperate. I’m envious hating and raging at the world around me and of what people are doing. I feel like a weird schizoid confused psycho aching for love and a home and a reality.