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Having the worst 'episode' tw - self harm

T

Trigger_warning

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Singapore
My parents were both sociopathic, emotionally and physically abusive people. I'm an Asian and no details but where I am you need a lot of money to get help for suicide and self harm. I've been self-harming and having masochistic thoughts since I was a kid like probably five. I'd get into my parents medicine cabinet or my grandparents who were pretty lax, they were so loving but just not that literate. The only people who was a care giver who never abused me.

I don't know if this is weird but I haven't talked to anyone who's open about sexual impulsive behavior and I've had it since I was a kid too. Self-harming and touching myself was so arousing even when I couldn't actually come. Just thinking about it my anxiety is so bad I'm shivering. But I have no one and I just really need to get this stuff out of my system.

Anyway I would do any thing that gave me an adrenaline rush. I jumped off shit, I rode my bike on the dangerous roads I hung out with junkies and got molested by this total trash when I was just 12 and I still remember the way it felt and it's disgusting but instead of staying away from men I just got even more involved with total strangers. Naturally got roofied once but instead of stopping I just started doing drugs pretty much anything someone would give me because I was not rich.

I kept trying to make my mom give a shit even though I gave up on my dad long ago but in a way my mom's worse because shes not only super manipulative but also is so IGNORANT she doesn't know what to do about anything and doesn't even realize she needs therapy and help. Doesn't admit and just gaslights me at least my dad used to apologize. She won't even do that.

The truth is after the way men were I was also into women. In love with my best friend and she just got hitched and became the typical trophy wife and I just now realized that she was just keeping me around because she thought I was uglier than her and she could just dominate me and do whatever she wants. Anyway then because no chick would listen I started going out with men.

Then I have other mental issues. Especially gender dysphoria. A very extreme case. An Asian fem with super conservative parents who's also bi and trans - it physically hurts me sometimes that I have to keep hiding it. Because I m already an outcast I just can't make it worse. I can't even get an op for gender reassignment or take hormones because I have early onset arthritis that's hollowing me inside. I don't even have the money to get proper treatment. It's a genetic thing everyone on my mom's side had it very young and I do too.

Then a few months ago I lost my job.

Because of my arthritis no one wants to hire me. But I was working online I write for a living, I was earning around US $ 1500 per month at least and then I started getting sick and flare ups because of the auto immune.
Again I can't afford to go to the doctor because where I live free care is so horrid you might as well just die on your own.

I have a friend who was helping me so far giving me rent money and all but now she's being all distant which I understand but I don't know what to do. I haven't written a book in a year. I was getting by through freelance work but these days no one is hiring me for work either. So I'm trying to write a book at last but it's a struggle.

I was married to this guy for five years. But put an avoidant personality with a BPD and just imagine what happened. I'm glad I didn't have any kids even though I really feel empty without one even when I rationally know that having kids isn't the solution.

Okay this has gone on for way too long I know. I just don't have a point. I'm self aware enough to know the wrongs I do but by the time I apologize most relationships have already given up on me. Which id do the same if I was them. Some friends understand and stick around but they don't even know what it's like to have mental illness let alone something like BPD.

But it still feels like I'm alone because no one knows me. They all know this fake, politically correct version even if I'm usually the rebel in some way especially cause of the blonde short hair and purple hair days and eyebrows and lip piercing. I guess it's just my way of breaking free a little. I can't afford tattoos but I'll get one the second I can.

Sometimes I feel better when I don't struggle financially I find ways not to let all this get to me but while I would love to die RIGHT FUCKING NOW because I'm an atheist so it doesn't bug me that I'll go to hell. I've had surgeries gone under anesthesia and I wished both times I wouldn't come out but nah. Never got lucky. But I don't want to get hurt only or get disabled that will just screw me up. I did try to kill myself but didn't die. I had an overdose and it was just the worst feeling ever so I don't want to go through that again.

So now I have no idea how I'm going to pay my bills and the person is not responding and I don't know if it's some genuine reason or just ghosting me. Already I have been surviving with barely any food and I even borrowed money from my friend who really needs it back and I m struggling and unable to work unable to write. But try explaining that to someone.

Anyway thanks for letting me get it off my chest
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
735
im sorry youre having such a tough time.....i used to have severe depression myself and was suicidal too....i thought i would never get better but i did and you will too.....suciide is never the answer.....you will get better, trust me....depression will pass.....i know when i was in deep despair i would like to have someone reassure me that i will get better......depression will pass.....keep up posting here on the forum for support....we're a nice understanding caring people here who have been through similar experiences
 
Blue Opal

Blue Opal

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Messages
248
Location
Netherlands
I'm sorry for what you've been through and are still going through.
Despite all that you still managed to write books, that's amazing. You sound like a fighter.
I hope it helped you a little writing down your story for us.
Reading it really made me feel for you.
Wishing you all the best.
 

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