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Having Some Trouble

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droscoe

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
2
Hello,

I recently wrote a six page letter just to put all my thoughts on paper. I dare not upload it here. No one wants to read a six page letter from a stranger.

Perhaps I can give the general overview of it. I will try to be as concise as possible.
-----
Short-&-Sweet History of Me:
Had the intention of committing suicide in middle school, flirted with the idea again a couple times in high school, and several, several more times throughout my twenties. Even going as far as researching how to do it and plan it out. Dealt with some emotional abuse from my parents. It took my a long time to realize that it was emotional abuse and not me just being weak or something. I've visited counseling services before. They helped.
-----
Now:

I'm angry. I'm feeling hopeless. I do not look forward to a future. I'm not having suicidal thoughts exactly...I'm in no immediate danger of hurting myself. I'm having some feelings and thoughts. Perhaps I'll list them to make this post as tidy as possible.
1. Hopelessness of a future
2. Resentment of older adults
3. Low self esteem
4. Anger towards some of our cultural customs
5. Extreme pessimism towards having a career, life, etc.
6. Feeling like it would make more sense to give up. Why try?

I don't like my parent's relationship. I don't like my relationship with them. They're great parents, don't get me wrong. I don't like where I'm heading, and I'm struggling to view my graduation as a success or something to be happy about. I don't see anyone happy. No one is in love, happy. Everyone is miserable, bored, over-worked, in debt, they lose their friends. People get married, move away, for some reason according to our culture males stop hanging out with each other because we have ...?? one? person now? We don't have time for hobbies, life is centered around work. The whole POINT of living is to work for someone else. Come home, be grumpy, miserable. Get fat, have less sex, pretend we're happy.

I've been called a bum by my mother for so long, in my childhood and teenage years. Its affected me. I believed her. I believe I'm a bum. I AM worthless. That's what a bum is. I identified with being a bum, so I play the part I guess. I cringe...to this ******* day, almost 30 years old, of those memories of her saying that to me. Not sure if that makes sense?

My dad and I never "hung out". He doesn't talk much in general, or to me. Today, I don't know how to talk to older men. I don't know how to act around older males. He was handicapped, couldn't work for very good reasons. He always just "hung around", and sat around (again, for good reason). But I think it may have had an affect on me. No one really instilled a "go get'em" attitude in me. Ill accept the blame for whatever is fair, but I think I grew up looking to my dad for my rolemodel but he couldn't do much. So...I don't do much.

I'm 28, recently went back to college, I live alone, I'm single, I'm 6'3, male, white.

I dont know, I've never done this before. I can explain more if you wish. I'm just not sure how much to write right now. Maybe it sounds goofy to you that I was hurt by being called a bum. You don't know my mom. How she said it...the look on her face and in her eye...she meant it. I dont know, I've just realized in only the couple of years that it affected me. I'm not embarassed anymore I dont think to admit it. Its hard to explain....you had to be there. It just cut in to me and stuck with me.

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> For further explanation, check out my other thread. It'd be helpful if I got feedback based on my complete explanation.
 
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ranmi

Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
16
Hi Droscoe. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I'm not a mental health professional, but are you on any medication for depression? Maybe that would help. I had the same outlook on life when I was in a deep depression and medication did help me a little.

As far as your parents go, I think personally, the best thing to do when people talk down to you is to prove them wrong. Show your mum that you're not a bum, prove that to her.
For me that's a great feeling, to be able to show someone how wrong they were.

I hope you feel better soon.
Take care.
 
chazxxx

chazxxx

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
744
To be honest I don't really know what to say I just feel like I should say something. Basically, I think I get it. And i think for the most part I agree. But i do believe some people are happy with their lives, some people don't stop having sex, don't become fat, do still have friends and some people do enjoy their jobs. Don't get me wrong I get what your saying and maybe that is only the minority? We just need to strive to be in that minoirty of people who are happy and satisfied with what they have. I don't want to be my parents either. My dad goes to work an my mum's the "housewife" slave for him. But yeah i don't want that. And maybe the majority of people that are exactly as you described are just stuck in their lives. Fell into the job, had the kids, had the responsibilities and stay where they are because their scared of change or can't afford it. But I think it sounds lie your still in the position where you can shape your life to be what you want it to be, you've just got to figure out what that is. Society does say you've got to have the job with big money, the wife, the kids, the morgage. But fuck it. Do what you want. I think it's just hard to know what else there is when that's all around us.
- I hope I haven't veered off what you meant with that.

I've wondered what the point of working 9-5 5 days a week is? Waste it seems. We're only alive a short amount of time. And most people around me also seem miserable about it. I remember my dad and his friend saying how noone enjoys work. You just have to find the most bearable job ad put up with it. But i have to believe that's not true. I have to believe you can genuinely enjoy a job - atleast the majority of the time. It's just the finding what that is.

As for you saying your mum calling you a bum and that affecting you, i don't think that sounds goofy or anything at all. My dad's always had the same effect on me, always put me down and made me feel worthless. I remember not long ago i had a problem with something or another probably work, and my dad started having a go at me (I can't remember the particular topic) and I ended up being in floods of tears and was in a rage at him, i told him, there are people at work and generally in life that try and will always to put me down and make me feel like shit, i don't need it from my own dad aswel. He basically told me (yes I'm hugely paraphrasing) that he basically says those thing to me so that It gives me some passion or drive to prove him wrong e.t.c. and i learned that it was how his dad was with him. And whilst I don't agree with this method, obviously. It did make me understand him a little better. I understood that in his own twisted way he did love me and he was putting me down to "build character" or whatever. I just would of thought he would have realised that didn't work on me by now it only made me feel useless and worthless, especially in his eyes. Sorry that I've diverted a little but my point was that perhaps that's something similar with your mum? Perhaps that's the way she was raised? Perhaps she always thought if she kept saying those things you would strive to prove her wrong etc. And i know even if that is the case it doesn't change those insecurities (I still have my dad's voice in my head telling me I'm stupid or not good enough) but it does help a little to know why they say what they do.
Whilst I take the previous poster has the "prove them wrong" advice approach, it never worked for me, his words always just diminished me and I always just ended up dissapointing him in a different way. The only thing that has helped me is knowing why he says the things he does.

I think I can relate with the go get um attitude thing too. My dad goes to work but he's lazy at home n my mum has always done everything for me, and I think that's kinda made me the way I am. I suppose it's just a matter of trying to train our minds to be different?

I hope I've interpreted what you said in the way you meant it. And I'm sorry If I haven't been very helpful, I guess I haven't really given any advice, but that's my 2 pence anyway.

Hope to hear back from you
 
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