Having panic about my sexuality

[DD040894]

I dont have a diagnosis of panic attacks, but I have sufferred from them also.
Lets start. I had difficulties identifying with my father cause he was like monster to me, abused me for nearly 15 years. He was better to my sister and always on her side while I was for him idiot, retarded,fat pig and so on.
Then I felt insecure to be manly at all and was kind of adopted into being like a girl, behaving like a girl to not disturb him. That led to feelings of (I call it that way) adopted homosexuality.

Than, in school, even bigger terror has begun. I was abused, called gay in primary and high school, it was so painful that I couldnt come back from school without fear, people were in groups hitting me, callin me fag, gay... That was so painful and I didnt have anybody to hold onto. They bullied me for 8 years in school, also on handball trainings, while my father abused me even more as i grew up. I was scared to death and experiencing some extreme panic attacks already in primary school. That was so scary feeling that I would rather be hit by a car than having one hour of that feeling. Like I dont exist and darkness crawls into me. Scary as hell.

In the end. I am now 25, recovering from 7 years old depression and having borderline disorder. I have panic attacks even when I post a photo on instagram because I have huge fear that girls will like it, but will find that I am gay (I think I am not actually) and when they find out that everybody will abuse me like in school.

Needed to share this story with you guys, hope you read it.

 

[Tawny]

I'm so sorry you have been through all of that.

It doesn't matter whether you are gay, straight or any of the other orientations. You are just you, a person who has been through so many difficult times.

I hope being yourself will feel normal soon. Sharing photo's will mean nothing other than sharing a photo, with the responses not meaning anything to you.

 

[Purpleplum]

You need to stop caring what others think. I know that's hard to do at your age but once you do, you'll be saying f them.

Are there any activities you can do....things you're good at....that will help boost your confidence?

 

[DD040894]

You need to stop caring what others think. I know that's hard to do at your age but once you do, you'll be saying f them.

Are there any activities you can do....things you're good at....that will help boost your confidence?

I would like to be in that place right now when rage goes onto them, not onto myself. Hopefully it will come. I was always best student since primary school, best student in whole school actually and thats why I was so abused. I am now on 6th year of medicine, even though I passed many exams through huge mental difficulties, and having average 9,33 believe it or not. I was good in nearly everything I tried- dance, tennis, swimming, maths, grammar, physics, anatomy, shame that the confidence is not there.

 

[DD040894]

I'm so sorry you have been through all of that.

It doesn't matter whether you are gay, straight or any of the other orientations. You are just you, a person who has been through so many difficult times.

I hope being yourself will feel normal soon. Sharing photo's will mean nothing other than sharing a photo, with the responses not meaning anything to you.

Thank you. I actually today identified that those panic attacks are caused by fear of homosexuality.

 

[Elisante]

Extreme fear of turning homosexual is a symptom of OCD I think. Doubting your sexuality is one of the most common type of intrusive thoughts in this disorder.

 

[DD040894]

Extreme fear of turning homosexual is a symptom of OCD I think. Doubting your sexuality is one of the most common type of intrusive thoughts in this disorder.

Ive been diagnosed before with OCD also and I am still obsessive, I call myself "operated from emotions", so you are right.

 

[Tawny]

I would like to be in that place right now when rage goes onto them, not onto myself. Hopefully it will come. I was always best student since primary school, best student in whole school actually and thats why I was so abused. I am now on 6th year of medicine, even though I passed many exams through huge mental difficulties, and having average 9,33 believe it or not. I was good in nearly everything I tried- dance, tennis, swimming, maths, grammar, physics, anatomy, shame that the confidence is not there.

That is the problem, with being unable to speak up for yourself at the time. I have that same anger against some people from the past who i did not stand up to. It is difficult to know what to do with that energy. Is there something positive you can put it into? Maybe you can help young kids who are being bullied? Something like that is a good place for your energy.

 

[DD040894]

That is the problem, with being unable to speak up for yourself at the time. I have that same anger against some people from the past who i did not stand up to. It is difficult to know what to do with that energy. Is there something positive you can put it into? Maybe you can help young kids who are being bullied? Something like that is a good place for your energy.

I like your way of thinking. That is really good idea, not at the moment, but for few years it sounds really good. I am mad that so many kids are abused in school and nobody stands up for them.
I was once in a family where a girl had one rare disease. She is smart, but her life will last 40/50 years at best because of disease. She is bullied at school, she doesnt go on picnic with kids in school, her parents are like "This is not important", her teacher doesnt care even a bit. Girl who is 11 I think opened up to me about that, my level of rage was so huge after that day I cant desribe. It opened up my wounds as well....

 

[Tawny]

I like your way of thinking. That is really good idea, not at the moment, but for few years it sounds really good. I am mad that so many kids are abused in school and nobody stands up for them.
I was once in a family where a girl had one rare disease. She is smart, but her life will last 40/50 years at best because of disease. She is bullied at school, she doesnt go on picnic with kids in school, her parents are like "This is not important", her teacher doesnt care even a bit. Girl who is 11 I think opened up to me about that, my level of rage was so huge after that day I cant desribe. It opened up my wounds as well....

So many bad things go on around me too. So many children at home with mum's, no school, being screamed and shouted at. I try to think that that little child might grow up strong and be determined to have a good life. I try to have faith in people's personal strength.

I don't have much of that myself

Maybe i do?

 

[DD040894]

So many bad things go on around me too. So many children at home with mum's, no school, being screamed and shouted at. I try to think that that little child might grow up strong and be determined to have a good life. I try to have faith in people's personal strength.

I don't have much of that myself

Maybe i do?

I believe you have.

I dont know, I realize how weird it was that I thought it is NORMAL to have your dad tell that you are fat pig, you dont have same DNA, he will leave you, you are moron and so on. And that kids call you gay and hit you. AND that you shake at daily basis from anxiety when you have 5 or 6 years.
And I thought it was all normal, that life must include those things.
Only thing now that is little bit better now that it is less of shame to go to psychotherapy or to psychiatrist. When I was kid there was nobody at all doing psychotherapy in whole my country, believe it or not. If there were, my parents would be divorced when I was 6 and I would have more or less normal life maybe.

I hope just that I went through all those things for some bigger reason. I hope.

 

[Tawny]

I think you probably did go through that for some bigger reason, maybe i did too. So much going wrong in the world and so many like us fighting through life and all these negative emotions.

I have tried to forgive my mum and dad but i cannot seem to forgive all of the other people yet. My dad probably did the most damage to me, called me all sorts, and it is worse because this person's opinion counts more than anyone. It shouldn't but it does carry more weight.

It was only when i saw how other people treated their daughters, spoke to them and raised them, that i realised what it should have been like. My life would have been very different, easier, if i had grown up in my friends' families.

We are us though
This is it
Got to make the best of what you have

 

[DD040894]

I think you probably did go through that for some bigger reason, maybe i did too. So much going wrong in the world and so many like us fighting through life and all these negative emotions.

I have tried to forgive my mum and dad but i cannot seem to forgive all of the other people yet. My dad probably did the most damage to me, called me all sorts, and it is worse because this person's opinion counts more than anyone. It shouldn't but it does carry more weight.

It was only when i saw how other people treated their daughters, spoke to them and raised them, that i realised what it should have been like. My life would have been very different, easier, if i had grown up in my friends' families.

We are us though
This is it
Got to make the best of what you have

We have kind of similar past. Probably other people couldnt handle our situations as well as we did. We are still alive at least and hopefully our best is yet to come.

 

[DD040894]

AGAIN today I had same thing happening. I am sabbotaging myself. Again I posted a photo on facebook and got panic attack for same reason. Really awful. I wont be posting on instagram or facebook anything for some time. I wrote it here. Those panic attacks are unbearable.