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DD040894
Well-known member
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2015
- Messages
- 598
I dont have a diagnosis of panic attacks, but I have sufferred from them also.
Lets start. I had difficulties identifying with my father cause he was like monster to me, abused me for nearly 15 years. He was better to my sister and always on her side while I was for him idiot, retarded,fat pig and so on.
Then I felt insecure to be manly at all and was kind of adopted into being like a girl, behaving like a girl to not disturb him. That led to feelings of (I call it that way) adopted homosexuality.
Than, in school, even bigger terror has begun. I was abused, called gay in primary and high school, it was so painful that I couldnt come back from school without fear, people were in groups hitting me, callin me fag, gay... That was so painful and I didnt have anybody to hold onto. They bullied me for 8 years in school, also on handball trainings, while my father abused me even more as i grew up. I was scared to death and experiencing some extreme panic attacks already in primary school. That was so scary feeling that I would rather be hit by a car than having one hour of that feeling. Like I dont exist and darkness crawls into me. Scary as hell.
In the end. I am now 25, recovering from 7 years old depression and having borderline disorder. I have panic attacks even when I post a photo on instagram because I have huge fear that girls will like it, but will find that I am gay (I think I am not actually) and when they find out that everybody will abuse me like in school.
Needed to share this story with you guys, hope you read it.
Lets start. I had difficulties identifying with my father cause he was like monster to me, abused me for nearly 15 years. He was better to my sister and always on her side while I was for him idiot, retarded,fat pig and so on.
Then I felt insecure to be manly at all and was kind of adopted into being like a girl, behaving like a girl to not disturb him. That led to feelings of (I call it that way) adopted homosexuality.
Than, in school, even bigger terror has begun. I was abused, called gay in primary and high school, it was so painful that I couldnt come back from school without fear, people were in groups hitting me, callin me fag, gay... That was so painful and I didnt have anybody to hold onto. They bullied me for 8 years in school, also on handball trainings, while my father abused me even more as i grew up. I was scared to death and experiencing some extreme panic attacks already in primary school. That was so scary feeling that I would rather be hit by a car than having one hour of that feeling. Like I dont exist and darkness crawls into me. Scary as hell.
In the end. I am now 25, recovering from 7 years old depression and having borderline disorder. I have panic attacks even when I post a photo on instagram because I have huge fear that girls will like it, but will find that I am gay (I think I am not actually) and when they find out that everybody will abuse me like in school.
Needed to share this story with you guys, hope you read it.