• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Having a really hard time - Heartbroken & devastated

elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
I'm really going through it at the moment and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love someone who I thought loved me, but he's now fallen for somebody else and I just feel this constant pain in my chest. I met him a few months back through mutual friends, and over time I really developed feelings for him which I genuinely thought were reciprocated, but I never acted on them because he had a girlfriend and it felt wrong. However, last week he confessed to me that he's cheated on his girlfriend with someone else entirely, who just so happens to be someone I went to school with, making my pain even worse. I've promised him that I'll keep his secret because we've built up such a strong friendship and he trusts me, I just thought that friendship could possibly lead to more one day. I knew he was unhappy in his relationship, so I always secretly held out hope, but now I feel like it's been completely shattered. I went into more detail in a post I made last week going over everything, but since then he's constantly telling me about the situation because he needs someone to confide in, and he doesn't know how I feel about him, so I can't even really blame him. He's split up with his girlfriend now because he apparently wants to be with this new girl, but she won't even leave her partner for him, so she surely can't love him that much? I haven't really been able to tell anyone about this in my real life and have been carrying this huge burden which gets heavier and heavier every day.

I know this whole thing makes him a bit of an arse and that I've most likely dodged a bullet, but it still hurts nonetheless. I joined a heartbreak group on facebook where people talk about their situations and I wrote the whole thing out on there only for some random girl to completely shame me for even falling in love with him in the first place, as if it was something I had complete control over. She just made me feel so awful and now I'm sitting at work on the verge of tears completely destroyed by the whole thing. It's supposed to be a support group and yet she made me out to be the bad guy. The heartache, the guilt and the hurt is just all too much to handle, and I've really spiralled into a depression again. I've gone back to some of my old habits like not eating, sleeping etc and instead turning to alcohol and injuring myself, which I know may all sound a little dramatic over some guy, but it's just another huge disappointment in my life that has built up on top of so many other let-downs. I just feel like I can never catch a break in life and all my hopes and dreams are shattered every single time. I've been having a lot of dark thoughts again that I just cannot seem to shake, and my family and friends can tell somethings up with me and they want to help, but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed by the whole thing and it hurts more and more every day. Any kind words or friendly advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading x
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
I am so sorry the 'support group' was the very opposite of what they were meant to be. It is not your fault you fell for this man but now you have the power to take control. You need to think if you can have him in your life as a friend and never anything more. If you are hoping one day he will want more then you will never be free from the pain you are in. It is so hard to love somebody who does not feel the same way but I feel you can only get over him if he is not in your life. Every conversation is a reminder of your pain.
 
Z

Zaz

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 1, 2020
Messages
584
Location
UK
You've nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. We all do things in life which turn out not to be good for us or cause us pain, heartbreak and suffering. That's just part of life.
It's not the end when such things happen though, it's the beginning of the rest of your life. It takes time to get over things that hurt us but we all have the capacity to heal and become strong again.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your life will turn itself around. Be patient and most of all be kind to yourself 🙂
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
926
I'm really going through it at the moment and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love someone who I thought loved me, but he's now fallen for somebody else and I just feel this constant pain in my chest. I met him a few months back through mutual friends, and over time I really developed feelings for him which I genuinely thought were reciprocated, but I never acted on them because he had a girlfriend and it felt wrong. However, last week he confessed to me that he's cheated on his girlfriend with someone else entirely, who just so happens to be someone I went to school with, making my pain even worse. I've promised him that I'll keep his secret because we've built up such a strong friendship and he trusts me, I just thought that friendship could possibly lead to more one day. I knew he was unhappy in his relationship, so I always secretly held out hope, but now I feel like it's been completely shattered. I went into more detail in a post I made last week going over everything, but since then he's constantly telling me about the situation because he needs someone to confide in, and he doesn't know how I feel about him, so I can't even really blame him. He's split up with his girlfriend now because he apparently wants to be with this new girl, but she won't even leave her partner for him, so she surely can't love him that much? I haven't really been able to tell anyone about this in my real life and have been carrying this huge burden which gets heavier and heavier every day.

I know this whole thing makes him a bit of an arse and that I've most likely dodged a bullet, but it still hurts nonetheless. I joined a heartbreak group on facebook where people talk about their situations and I wrote the whole thing out on there only for some random girl to completely shame me for even falling in love with him in the first place, as if it was something I had complete control over. She just made me feel so awful and now I'm sitting at work on the verge of tears completely destroyed by the whole thing. It's supposed to be a support group and yet she made me out to be the bad guy. The heartache, the guilt and the hurt is just all too much to handle, and I've really spiralled into a depression again. I've gone back to some of my old habits like not eating, sleeping etc and instead turning to alcohol and injuring myself, which I know may all sound a little dramatic over some guy, but it's just another huge disappointment in my life that has built up on top of so many other let-downs. I just feel like I can never catch a break in life and all my hopes and dreams are shattered every single time. I've been having a lot of dark thoughts again that I just cannot seem to shake, and my family and friends can tell somethings up with me and they want to help, but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed by the whole thing and it hurts more and more every day. Any kind words or friendly advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading x
im sorry youre having such a tough time in this.....I hope things improve for you soon.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
I am so sorry the 'support group' was the very opposite of what they were meant to be. It is not your fault you fell for this man but now you have the power to take control. You need to think if you can have him in your life as a friend and never anything more. If you are hoping one day he will want more then you will never be free from the pain you are in. It is so hard to love somebody who does not feel the same way but I feel you can only get over him if he is not in your life. Every conversation is a reminder of your pain.
Thank you so much, and that's exactly what I'm in two minds about. I've never been to great with friendships throughout my life, in fact most of them have ended in disaster, and I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend or hurt him in any way, because I know he's not doing this to hurt me intentionally, but at the same time it is still hurting and I have been trying to distance myself from the situation. I've been responding to him less and whenever we do talk I try my best to steer the conversation towards other things. It's still very raw and I have considered telling my best friend about it, but I'm still not too sure x
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
You've nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. We all do things in life which turn out not to be good for us or cause us pain, heartbreak and suffering. That's just part of life.
It's not the end when such things happen though, it's the beginning of the rest of your life. It takes time to get over things that hurt us but we all have the capacity to heal and become strong again.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your life will turn itself around. Be patient and most of all be kind to yourself 🙂
Hey thank you :) That's very reassuring, I think everything is just so raw at the moment and it honestly feels like a breakup, even though it's not? I'm kind of kicking myself for letting my guard down in the first place because now I've had to deal with it entirely alone. It's difficult because I've had this feeling before and it's horrible, and experiencing it again is just so hard because last time it took forever to get over, but I'm sure I will eventually x
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
It is hard when you have few friends as to lose a friend feels very lonely. I just feel it will be too painful for you to have him in your life as it will always be a reminder. You need to do what you feel is best though. If your best friend is your 'best' friend then hopefully you can trust them and open up about what you are going through.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
It is hard when you have few friends as to lose a friend feels very lonely. I just feel it will be too painful for you to have him in your life as it will always be a reminder. You need to do what you feel is best though. If your best friend is your 'best' friend then hopefully you can trust them and open up about what you are going through.
Yeah that's very true, I think I just need to take some time to figure everything out, and yeah I should be seeing my friend on wednesday this week so hopefully it'll be good to get her viewpoint on things :) Thank you x
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
136
Location
Suffolk, VA
I believe your initial instinct about dodging the proverbial bullet was spot on. You detailed how he'd been unfaithful and dishonest, and how he was actively looking to pull someone from a relationship they're already in at present. If he's willing to do those things to someone else, you can bet the farm he'd do it to you, were you involved.

However, you're right. You sometimes have little control over who you fall in love with, and it can be painful to watch someone you care about flitter about while you're stuck on the sidelines.

People here can support you, and give you perspectives or kind words for you to ponder. Might not always be what agrees with you, but it's done from wanting to help. :)

Personally, i'd walk away from the guy and move on to greener pastures, but that's not my decision to make (and i'm incredibly dismissive of dishonest people, *especially* those who practice infidelity). I hope you're able to talk to your friend, and other people, who can help you gain a positive perspective and move forward in a manner that's best for you. Best wishes.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
I believe your initial instinct about dodging the proverbial bullet was spot on. You detailed how he'd been unfaithful and dishonest, and how he was actively looking to pull someone from a relationship they're already in at present. If he's willing to do those things to someone else, you can bet the farm he'd do it to you, were you involved.

However, you're right. You sometimes have little control over who you fall in love with, and it can be painful to watch someone you care about flitter about while you're stuck on the sidelines.

People here can support you, and give you perspectives or kind words for you to ponder. Might not always be what agrees with you, but it's done from wanting to help. :)

Personally, i'd walk away from the guy and move on to greener pastures, but that's not my decision to make (and i'm incredibly dismissive of dishonest people, *especially* those who practice infidelity). I hope you're able to talk to your friend, and other people, who can help you gain a positive perspective and move forward in a manner that's best for you. Best wishes.
Thank you so much for your response, I definitely agree with what you've said. Even if I was involved with him in that way I think I'd always have that fear in the back of my mind that he'd do it to me too, so it's probably for the best that I wasn't the one involved. It's hard as well because he can tell there's something up with me and keeps asking me if I'm okay, and I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth about how I'm feeling.

I usually tend to stay well away from people like that too, but in all honesty he is a good friend to me and I'd hate to lose him in that sense because we really have built up a sense of trust, I think I just may have misread things. The people on here are super supportive which is more than I can say about that stupid facebook group, I think the people on there see everything in black and white whereas here everyone seems to be more understanding.

I'm definitely doing my best to distance myself from the situation now, and I finally managed to confess everything to my parents, which is a little weight off my chest. I'd still like to talk to my friend as it would be good to get her perspective, and out of everyone I feel like I can trust her the most. It's been a long time since I've fallen in love with someone and I'd almost forgotten what heartbreak felt like until now, but I know I'll heal from it eventually x
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
136
Location
Suffolk, VA
I'm glad you were able to talk to your folks, and that it was able to bring you some measure of peace.

As far as FB goes, i left that platform in March, 2018 and haven't looked back. Honestly, it was contributing to some of my problems, and i'm glad to be rid of it. With BPD, the world often comes across as being one thing or the other (and indeed, there are many times where it really is just that simple). But people there take it to a level that puts mine to shame LOL.

I'm glad you were able to find people here supportive, and please feel free to keep talking, asking questions, and getting whatever support you can.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
I'm glad you were able to talk to your folks, and that it was able to bring you some measure of peace.

As far as FB goes, i left that platform in March, 2018 and haven't looked back. Honestly, it was contributing to some of my problems, and i'm glad to be rid of it. With BPD, the world often comes across as being one thing or the other (and indeed, there are many times where it really is just that simple). But people there take it to a level that puts mine to shame LOL.

I'm glad you were able to find people here supportive, and please feel free to keep talking, asking questions, and getting whatever support you can.
Hi again, yeah you’re 100% right about Facebook 😂 I’ve considered leaving many times as social media in general just doesn’t help my mental health in any way. I’m sorry that you experience that, it can’t be very nice for you. And yeah it’s a great forum with great people so thank you ☺ X
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,596
I think I'd always have that fear in the back of my mind that he'd do it to me too, so it's probably for the best that I wasn't the one involved. It's hard as well because he can tell there's something up with me and keeps asking me if I'm okay, and I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth about how I'm feeling.
Honestly, these situations are so messy, and it's entirely normal and okay that if you have feelings for someone these are strong and painful. Honestly I just wanted to share my ten cents that in reality people tend to hang around in relationships they aren't necessarily happy with, some people are on the quest for a new relationship whilst already in one, some people accidentally fall for others whilst in a relationship, without meaning to. We tend to make life very complicated for ourselves.
Also, these kind of situations mess up my head too, a lot. They make people very sad. Honestly I think the guy in question it sounds like he has some issues, because why did he not leave the relationship, and cheat? He probably couldn't face leaving because he is too afraid to be alone. Or he is just confused in his mind, he doesn't know what he actually wants. He probably gets a high from being """ in love """, because there is something missing inside him. That's what people do when they are broken I guess. Actually it is quite sad. You just chase the high from being in love. Or you want something perfect.

The hardest thing is not to project everything you ever wanted, onto one person. I think that's what causes the feeling of pain in the heart. I think people who really care, they do that, and I'm never too sure if it's really the relationship and the person they want, or just to heal something inside.
I think it's all pretty messy, but I want to say I understand where you're coming from.
I hope this helps give you a bit of clarity and I hope you won't be so sad
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
265
Location
Kent
Honestly, these situations are so messy, and it's entirely normal and okay that if you have feelings for someone these are strong and painful. Honestly I just wanted to share my ten cents that in reality people tend to hang around in relationships they aren't necessarily happy with, some people are on the quest for a new relationship whilst already in one, some people accidentally fall for others whilst in a relationship, without meaning to. We tend to make life very complicated for ourselves.
Also, these kind of situations mess up my head too, a lot. They make people very sad. Honestly I think the guy in question it sounds like he has some issues, because why did he not leave the relationship, and cheat? He probably couldn't face leaving because he is too afraid to be alone. Or he is just confused in his mind, he doesn't know what he actually wants. He probably gets a high from being """ in love """, because there is something missing inside him. That's what people do when they are broken I guess. Actually it is quite sad. You just chase the high from being in love. Or you want something perfect.

The hardest thing is not to project everything you ever wanted, onto one person. I think that's what causes the feeling of pain in the heart. I think people who really care, they do that, and I'm never too sure if it's really the relationship and the person they want, or just to heal something inside.
I think it's all pretty messy, but I want to say I understand where you're coming from.
I hope this helps give you a bit of clarity and I hope you won't be so sad
Honestly I 100% agree with what you've said here. I do think he has a lot of self-reflection to do because it does seem like he's chasing after a fantasy. He's been telling me for a while that he was unhappy in his relationship, and honestly I thought that was his way of hinting that he liked me, but I guess I misread that situation, or maybe that was what he was hinting, but because I didn't act on it he decided to move onto this other girl? I don't know, it's a tricky situation. I was under the very real impression that he had fallen for me too, and part of me wonders what would have happened if I did act on it, but then that mistrust would have still been there I think. I'm glad I wasn't the one that ultimately ruined their relationship, because honestly that's not something I need on my conscience, but it still hurts nonetheless. He can tell something's up with me, and it's so hard because he can never know how I really feel, but hopefully in time I'll just be able to move on from this in some way. Thank you so much for your response though it's very insightful :) x
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
L Having a really hard time - Advice on getting over someone? Mental Health Experiences 15
Muddledmuggle Having difficulty in focusing on anything Mental Health Experiences 4
blog15 Having no explanation is fine Mental Health Experiences 1
T been having day long panic attacks Mental Health Experiences 5
P Having panic attacks at night Mental Health Experiences 5
gt86 Now having lucid dreams and not sleeping well Mental Health Experiences 6
stygianiron222 my girlfriend and i are sick of having to hide Mental Health Experiences 15
I Having trouble forgiving myself Mental Health Experiences 2
T Having trouble sitting down to work on bachelors thesis Mental Health Experiences 12
M I keep having thoughts about running away and going missing Mental Health Experiences 5
L Having intrusive thoughts again Mental Health Experiences 2
B Is it weird to hate having a noisy job? Mental Health Experiences 7
Storm in a Teacup Have you picked up any valuable life lessons through having a mental illness? Mental Health Experiences 23
River of Circle guilt for having mental health issues and not disclosing them Mental Health Experiences 2
B I have realised that I don't really understand the majority of people Mental Health Experiences 7
Hello513 I am getting really sick of people who lack self awareness. Mental Health Experiences 4
Ineedhelp2921 Really bad chest pains Mental Health Experiences 5
Dav Really depressed at the moment Mental Health Experiences 52
L My intrusive thoughts are getting really bad again Mental Health Experiences 1
L I'm Really Upset Mental Health Experiences 5
L I did a really stupid thing Mental Health Experiences 8
L I feel really hurt... Mental Health Experiences 17
L DO PEOPLE ON HERE REALLY CARE? Mental Health Experiences 41
N I am really depressed & don't want to live. My parents have disabled certain websites from my laptop based on keywor. So, i can't easily access help. Mental Health Experiences 7
F I really hate myself. Mental Health Experiences 13
Ineedhelp2921 I'm really hurt Mental Health Experiences 7
O Do I have high end autism or am I just really emotional due to something I know about? Mental Health Experiences 4
D I really hate my mom Mental Health Experiences 5
00Bluejay7500 (was Scapes1986) I’m really hard at taking Mental Health Experiences 15
blog15 So what really helps? Mental Health Experiences 3
A Work lied and making me really depressed Mental Health Experiences 8
L How hard is to get a referral [UK] to community mental health teams or a psychiatrist? Mental Health Experiences 5
Novastars Does anyone else find it hard to ask for help? Mental Health Experiences 14
C Why do i find it hard letting go of certain people even after a long time Mental Health Experiences 2
I I’m trying to let go, but it’s hard Mental Health Experiences 10
W Mental health care, Hard pill to swallow Mental Health Experiences 7

Similar threads

Top