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Having a really hard time - Advice on getting over someone?

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LostGirl1987

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Oct 19, 2020
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United Kingdom
So I posted on here about a week ago regarding a guy I was sort of seeing who ended up breaking my heart. We had words and I decided that what I needed was some space, and so we pretty much cut contact for a little while. He messaged me on Tuesday asking if I was okay and telling me how much he appreciated me. I pretty much ignored it because at the time I was still very angry and hurt, however I saw him out on Saturday night (complete coincidence) and it brought back all those emotions that I thought I'd got past. The anger quickly turned to sadness and I've not been right since. We didn't speak that night but we definitely made a lot of eye contact, and now I've reached that point where I've really started to miss him. Not even necessarily in the romantic sense, but I miss having him to talk to every day and being a friend. I wish that night between us had never happened because now I feel awful in every sense of the word. I know in reality he isn't the best person and I know I can probably do better, but he's always on my mind and as cliché as it sounds he always appears in my dreams (usually in a bad way). It's all still very raw at the moment and I was finally able to open up to my therapist which definitely helped, but I just wondered if anyone here has any advice on how to deal with heartache/breakups? I know it's technically not a breakup but it certainly feels like one. I just feel so lonely and hurt by everything.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
I think all you can do is allow yourself time to mourn him. Take each day as it comes. Block him from being able to contact you and delete his details so you cannot contact him. It is understandable you feel lost and hurt. I think you should allow yourself to feel that as it is a natural part of a break up. Break ups are very painful but in time you will heal.
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Messages
202
Location
United Kingdom
I think all you can do is allow yourself time to mourn him. Take each day as it comes. Block him from being able to contact you and delete his details so you cannot contact him. It is understandable you feel lost and hurt. I think you should allow yourself to feel that as it is a natural part of a break up. Break ups are very painful but in time you will heal.
Hi there bpd2020, thank you so much, I think my head has just been all over the place lately, and seeing him definitely didn't help because it just reminded me of the pain. I was a little hurt that he didn't make the effort to speak to me, but then again I suppose it's for the best really. There have been times where I've been tempted to contact him but I've managed to resist so far, so hopefully in time it'll get easier
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
Him not saying hello goes to show what a loser he is. I am sorry as that must have hurt. As you have been tempted to contact him I still advice you delete his contact details. There may be a time you feel really lonely and will contact him only to feel worse.
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Messages
202
Location
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Him not saying hello goes to show what a loser he is. I am sorry as that must have hurt. As you have been tempted to contact him I still advice you delete his contact details. There may be a time you feel really lonely and will contact him only to feel worse.
Yeah exactly that's what I'm thinking, I put my foot down with him and don't want to go back on my word.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

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Good for you. You are sad but you are not giving in and allowing him back in. I think you are being so strong.
 
S

Shay94

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Apr 10, 2020
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Australia WA
I also think you're being strong. You need to give yourself time to mourn him and even though he is gone/you guys aren't together anymore, later on when you can you'll be able to look back of some of the old memories you used to have with him. I'm sorta in same boat with a friend, we haven't spoken in July after I said few things to her due to my anxiety/fear creeping in and she also had lots of baggage going on at the time so she was dealing with that. All I can say is give yourself some time to process everything, do any hobbies etc you enjoy to keep yourself busy & you'll slowly heal yourself
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Messages
202
Location
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I also think you're being strong. You need to give yourself time to mourn him and even though he is gone/you guys aren't together anymore, later on when you can you'll be able to look back of some of the old memories you used to have with him. I'm sorta in same boat with a friend, we haven't spoken in July after I said few things to her due to my anxiety/fear creeping in and she also had lots of baggage going on at the time so she was dealing with that. All I can say is give yourself some time to process everything, do any hobbies etc you enjoy to keep yourself busy & you'll slowly heal yourself
Hi Shay94, I'm sorry you've been having that experience, I have situations like that with friends too. And thank you, I'm sure in time things will get better I just have to persevere, it's just hard when he pops into my head and consumes my thoughts. I find that driving to and from work has helped recently as it keeps my mind off things, however I'm still spending a lot of time indoors alone with my thoughts, but I'm sure I'll find some things to occupy my mind :)
 
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Shay94

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Messages
497
Location
Australia WA
Hi Shay94, I'm sorry you've been having that experience, I have situations like that with friends too. And thank you, I'm sure in time things will get better I just have to persevere, it's just hard when he pops into my head and consumes my thoughts. I find that driving to and from work has helped recently as it keeps my mind off things, however I'm still spending a lot of time indoors alone with my thoughts, but I'm sure I'll find some things to occupy my mind :)
No worries, its actually nice to be able to share this sorta thing. I know exactly what you mean by your mind being consumed by them all the time, I also find driving/having my music cranked up helps distract me. On the days I can't be bothered going out, what helps me is playing video games as that pulls my focus onto something else entirely & ignoring the thoughts that appear in my head. Do whats right for you hun, you'll get there and in time you'll be able to reflect on them with happier memories
 
L

LostGirl1987

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Messages
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No worries, its actually nice to be able to share this sorta thing. I know exactly what you mean by your mind being consumed by them all the time, I also find driving/having my music cranked up helps distract me. On the days I can't be bothered going out, what helps me is playing video games as that pulls my focus onto something else entirely & ignoring the thoughts that appear in my head. Do whats right for you hun, you'll get there and in time you'll be able to reflect on them with happier memories
Thank you so much :) I've been through a really hard breakup before and I just remember it taking ages for me to heal, but I suppose it takes as long as it takes doesn't it. I have managed to open up to more people in my personal life and online so that's always good
 
S

Shay94

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Messages
497
Location
Australia WA
Thank you so much :) I've been through a really hard breakup before and I just remember it taking ages for me to heal, but I suppose it takes as long as it takes doesn't it. I have managed to open up to more people in my personal life and online so that's always good
Each time is different, I believe. Some you may be able to move on from quicker/not hurt as much, others will hurt loads more & take a long time to heal from. I do find online little bit easier sometimes as you're not faced with the confrontations of telling people something in person and being in fear that you'll see them judge you. All I wish for myself is to continue making my way forward, be positive of what I do have and hope that she comes back/allow me the chance to explain my end of story n we figure out shit from there. I pray thats how it goes but if not, then maybe we just aren't meant to be mates 😔
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Breakups are never easy and are much harder for some people than for others. It can be so easy to think about the person excessively, become weak and reach out to them again. But then you only end up getting roped back into the negative or unsatisfying situation you were trying to get out of in the first place. I also have problems thinking excessively about people I have been in a relationship with that has ended. Even though I know it’s unhealthy and won’t get me anywhere it’s like I can’t stop. What I find works well for me is doing anything at all possible to take my mind off of the person in question. This includes fantasizing about different guys who have the qualities I seek that the old guy didn’t have. It’s like my mind exists on an endless loop surrounding this person unless I jump in and redirect traffic. The more I redirect my mind to thinking about other things, other guys in particular, the less I am stuck thinking about him and the better things get. I hope you are able to get some relief from this situation soon! xo, j
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
202
Location
United Kingdom
Each time is different, I believe. Some you may be able to move on from quicker/not hurt as much, others will hurt loads more & take a long time to heal from. I do find online little bit easier sometimes as you're not faced with the confrontations of telling people something in person and being in fear that you'll see them judge you. All I wish for myself is to continue making my way forward, be positive of what I do have and hope that she comes back/allow me the chance to explain my end of story n we figure out shit from there. I pray thats how it goes but if not, then maybe we just aren't meant to be mates 😔
Yeah that's definitely how I'm trying to view my situation. It's hard isn't it because you never know how that conversation's going to go. I hope the same for you too, it can't be very nice and yeah you're right, this feels almost just as painful as my last breakup, which was a two year relationship and very different, and I'm honestly shocked at how badly this has flipped my life upside down. It also doesn't help that my friends are friends with him too, so I can't always open up to them about everything as there's that fear that it will just make things worse.
 
L

LostGirl1987

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
202
Location
United Kingdom
Breakups are never easy and are much harder for some people than for others. It can be so easy to think about the person excessively, become weak and reach out to them again. But then you only end up getting roped back into the negative or unsatisfying situation you were trying to get out of in the first place. I also have problems thinking excessively about people I have been in a relationship with that has ended. Even though I know it’s unhealthy and won’t get me anywhere it’s like I can’t stop. What I find works well for me is doing anything at all possible to take my mind off of the person in question. This includes fantasizing about different guys who have the qualities I seek that the old guy didn’t have. It’s like my mind exists on an endless loop surrounding this person unless I jump in and redirect traffic. The more I redirect my mind to thinking about other things, other guys in particular, the less I am stuck thinking about him and the better things get. I hope you are able to get some relief from this situation soon! xo, j
Hi JessisMe, that's all very sound advice :) I'm alone with my thoughts a large majority of the time so have been doing whatever I can to distract myself, and fantasizing as you say definitely does help from time to time. It feels so strange because he's the first and last thought on my mind every day and despite how much he's hurt me he's always there lingering. I'm a very emotional person anyway and really value deep connections with people, which I felt he and I had, and it took a long time for me to fall in love again and now even though the situations totally different, it's affected me about the same. It was somewhat easier getting over my last ex because I had my own friends/support system, but now this guy just happens to be really close with my friends too, making it so much harder.
 
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