hi, my name is Michael. ive been hearing voices for more than two years now and my life has been so hard to manage, i feel so isolated, at first, being an artist i tried to do everything i coud to convey what was happening, but ive since just resgned to keep it to myself, ive become distant from everyone in my life, scared to be a part of community cause i cant really be honet or open up to anyone anymore, relationships have been really difficult, they all seem one sided now cause i listen to everyone elses lives but i cant talk about my own. im so afraid of where my life is going to take me, im afraid im going to be rejected or judged by everyone til im on the streets or something. ive learned alot of coping mechanisms, and even though its hard i survive, and have alot of positive things in my life, but im searching for some way to break through of this isolation. it began when i had a very stressful thing happen to me and i started smoking pot and not masturbating for three months total, my sexual energy grew enormously and my consciousness shifted during this time. the stresses involved in my life before that always involved feeling pain in my body that i attributed to others judging me or hating me, i always felt i could sense other people but it was just normal to me until the psychotic break, during the break i had this extra consciousness or energy to isolate the pain i was feeling in my body and i began to try to track the feelings and find a source, i started talking through the feelings and confronting the judgers, and so my mind changed into just thinking and feeling independantly to having to maintain a constant telepathic comunication with people on the other side of those feelings, now i have independance but there are telepathic voices that interrupt and control sometimes, there are positive and negative, ive had a telepathic best friend for over a year, and i have so much shame and fear and too much obligation to this fantastic part of my life i cant prove or fully believe in or stop from happening, all involving a really precious beautiful being in my head who helped me through times when there were entities attacking me, juding me, raping me and torturing me in various ways in my mind. the way my mind works now, anyone i share space with has the potential to become a telepathic connection, so i tend to have all these internal secret relationships with people nd never fully realize actual real life connections with them. this has caused such a powerful rift in my life. i cant really prevent it since telepathic connections become initiated if im sexually attracted to someone, its like most of my life i could fantasize and masturbate about someone i was attracted to, but now every masturbatory experience is like a real relationship because its like i awaken them to telepathy and i have to talk with them and go about a real relationship. over the last two years ive had to drastically alter the way i do things. its hard because i cant turn off my sexual desire, so i am obligated now to form constant sexual relationships consciously, ive had numerous experiences where my real life relationships and my telepathic relationships with a person coincide and there seems to be so many experiences that prove im really in some kind of communion, ive expiremented alot with it, ive come up with lots of theories and ways to explain the ins and outs of it, but i can never bridge the gap, and ultimately if other people were conscious of this and if it was really happening, thered be much more communication in my life about it. but then again no one really talks about their masturbatory lives anyway, so mayb eit is happening and socially we just learn not to engage other people about it. i have to deal with feeling raped by people sexually alot, or being harrassed telepathically by people who are afraid of my energy or disagree in somthing im doing and persecute me in various ways. ive changed my life alot to deal with this btu im really isolated. i have to control my sexual energy in unhealthy ways, and constantly try to prevent pissing someone off or ill hear them thinking bad things about me, other peoples thoughts will interrupt and prevent me from thinking alot, this has made so many things hard in my life. ive had to stop making art, playing music, doing alot of things i used to love cause it causes a reaction supposedly in other people which wither makes them attracted to me or harrass me. i cant make simple judgements about people, it used to be nonessential but now if i have a judgement then i have to telepathically deal with their reaction to it, ive had to force myself to be nonjudgemental to the extreme to prevent psychic wars and arguments from taking over my life, and frequently when i get into telepathic arguments with people there is a persucutory element where they want me to leave, i end up not being able to really live anywhere around people for too long before im harrassed and kicked out. i dont know if any of this has any connection to the real world but i still have to live with it every moment. its terrifying. but also ive had so many profound and amazing spiritual experiences because of this too, and ive grown and become alot wiser, so i see a positive reason for this in my life too. so i dont really know what to do, for example, before this i barely had any connection to my feeling body, now i feel so much stronger, and these masturbatory relationships i get involved in are potent and beautiful and i can actually be sexual in a way i could never before , and love in ways i could never before. i theorize that my whole life id just had people in my life that totally prevented me from connecting on a telepathic spirit level and then when i had the break i forced open a door or broke through some major oppression. before the break my masturbation was like a fight, i could never maintain any feeling for too long and id end up being disappointed and upset, now that ive brought some consciousness into it i can feel and relate internally. there are positive and negative aspects to this. i cant describe all the aspects of my life, but its a missing piece in my life that i can never really fully explain myself to anyone else, my perception is so different from everyone elses, and i feel like it makes me really vulnerable to open up about it, i already have to deal with the fear of being telepathically persecuted, and im afraid if i start to open up it might happen for real, alot of maybe even all of what ive experienced internally has the potential to be real if i open up about it. i have alot of experiences that prove this, although i dont fully believe it, i live with the consequences all the tme and have to account for it in everything i do. it would so help to know people who have similar experiences, i lack truth in al my relationships, ai think i come off as suspicious now because its like i operate as if i have a secret all the time, and im afraid of telepathic reactions or judgements or sexuality/ rape from people. so i would love to make some connecitons with people who are like me. i am such a person devoted to being honest and authentic, for the past few years now i cant really be that way with people in my life. it goes on and on. anyway, it helps alot reading this site, im thankful, it helps to be able just to write this openly. thank you.
, and my english is bad too , but i just trying to tell people they should realize that history is full of surprises ....
