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Haunted

valleygirl

valleygirl

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This is quite long, and I apologize. If you can't read it, that's okay--I just urgently feel the need for confession.

So many memories flying at me these days. But the one that haunts me tonight is not something that was done to me; rather, it is something I refused to do for my sister, and the deep, deep sense of shame I feel.

I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I hadn't yet moved out of my parents' house, although I had graduated from high school by that time. I do remember that I was extremely depressed, and totally wrapped up in whatever was going on in my head. I was in therapy, and with the "help" of my therapist, had recovered what I now believe to be false memories of sexual abuse, but at the time I believed it was real, and I was devastated (that is a long story in and of itself that does not need to be told right now).

My sister had been out of town with friends, and took the bus back into town. My parents were out, and I was the only one at home. It was maybe 9:00 pm, and my sister called from the bus depot needing a ride home. I don't remember the conversation, but I refused to go pick her up. I hung up the phone, and she called again, but I didn't answer, and I guess she ended up getting a ride with her friend's parents. I don't remember how everything unfolded, but my parents came home, and I guess my sister told them what had happened. I remember sitting on my bed and crying so hard. I guess at some point I had realized the utter selfishness of my refusal. My mom came into my bedroom, and said she thought this situation had something to do with how I felt she had emotionally abandoned me throughout my childhood and teen years. That brought forth another flood of tears, and choking back sobs. I was, at the time, completely aware of the abandonment issues I had. The days following that event are all darkness to me, except the deep shame I felt, and I bought flowers for my sister, as if an offering of flowers could possibly begin to atone for my sins.

Fast forward many years, and I still feel such deep shame for how I abandoned my sister. I spent my teens vowing that I was NOT EVER going to be like my mother, but in that moment, I was exactly like my mother. Right down to the copious tears and remorse for what I had done. I remember so many times after a much less than happy interaction between me and my mom, how she would go to her bedroom and cry, and then when my dad came home from work they would have private conversations about what had happened, and I know my mom cried, and confessed to my dad the way I am now confessing to anyone in cyberspace who might be listening.
 
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LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Its good to get things out of one's system. You can package it up and forget about it. I heard a quote - No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future. :)
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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That is a good quote. I will have to print that out and plaster it all over my apartment. Another good one is this:

What has been done has been done; what has not been done has not been done. Let it be.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Hey we are all human. I feel guilt over the past and am anxious about tomorrow. Its easy for me to say but yeah confession is a good method to release these things.

I did not want to comment on the content, but wanted to let you know - hey its okay - we can leave it in the past. :)
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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I know I'm going to have to tell my therapist about this, but I dread doing so.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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I know I'm going to have to tell my therapist about this, but I dread doing so.
Think of it as an old confession style thing. Use your therapist..... I know its a bit evil but hey we all have to take it!
 
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