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Haunted by the past but scared to face therapy

I

I_Was_Punished

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Dec 8, 2019
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149
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UK
i was given a diagnosis for BPD a while ago. When i was a child i was bullied very badly at school for many years and there was also some abuse at home with parents who were inconsistent in their parenting. They weren't abusive all the time but they certainly were at times and its stayed with me.

As an adult i have not moved on from the abuse and bullying i experienced in my childhood, i don't think people understand how bad it actually was and how much its damaged me. Every day of my life i think about it,its always there and its always holding me back and having an effect on my present life.

I have experienced bullying and sidelining as an adult, in work and in social groups, i never seem to fit in and i am never happy or comfortable in my own skin. I have had a whole load of issues such as debt, alcoholism, addiction to food, compulsive spending, agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, days when i can barely get out of bed, it just goes on and on.

I can't move on from things, i always remember everything anyone ever did to hurt me or annoy me and i hold on to the anger. I also just don't seem to enjoy life and don't seem to ever really be happy. i can get pleasure out of some things like listening to music but pleasure is not the same as happiness, i don't know what its like to feel truly happy and at peace and even when things start to go well i usually ruin it for myself with self destructive behaviour. But the scariest thing is that sometimes i just don't really feel anything at all, often i just feel empty and sometimes i want to laugh or cry and instead i can't do anything.

It terrifies me to think of many more years of this, i would rather die young if its going to be like this forever. we all have to die one day and whats the point in living a long time if you're just miserable and suffering the whole time? i know there is no cure for BPD and i also know that the problems i have are so deep rooted they are never going to just go away. But i also know that therapy can help to improve things a little and help to manage it. i'm not sure if the thought of this offers me that much comfort if i'm honest. it scares me that for the rest of my life the best i can do is manage it rather than take it away forever.

But anyway, i am scared to even go into therapy at all. i have had counseling in the past and it only helped temporarily. but i know there are specific therapies like DBT i could have for DBT but i am scared to even face it because i know in therapy you have to face your demons and you have to work hard but i find it difficult to even talk about the past and i always find it difficult to face up to it. i also read you can be in therapy for years its a long and hard road. Sometimes as much as i hate things as they are i am also scared to move on and scared of change and facing my demons.

i don't know what to do? i feel totally trapped and lost and i just don't know. i am haunted by the past, the present is an endless struggle and i am scared of the future and scared to face therapy. i feel like i am just stuck in limbo forever
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,283
The only way out is through. I have some pretty terrible traumas, you can read more in my journal in the journal section if you’d like, and while, like you, I was terrified to face them, once I did, it released me.
 
daffy

daffy

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Dec 16, 2007
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I’m in my 60s and have just gone thru trauma therapy and i wished I’d had it years ago. I wont say its easy and i suffered dreadfully at the beginning and on several occasions was about to give up. But i was persuaded to persevere and I’m so glad i did. It’s explained away why i behave he way i do and why my self confidence is so low and explained my MH problems.
If you can get the right kind of therapy offered please go for it but be prepared to revisit a lot of your pain but its worth it in the end
 
Rowan

Rowan

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Joined
Aug 25, 2011
Messages
2,827
But anyway, i am scared to even go into therapy at all. i have had counseling in the past and it only helped temporarily. but i know there are specific therapies like DBT i could have for DBT but i am scared to even face it because i know in therapy you have to face your demons and you have to work hard but i find it difficult to even talk about the past and i always find it difficult to face up to it. i also read you can be in therapy for years its a long and hard road. Sometimes as much as i hate things as they are i am also scared to move on and scared of change and facing my demons.

i don't know what to do? i feel totally trapped and lost and i just don't know. i am haunted by the past, the present is an endless struggle and i am scared of the future and scared to face therapy. i feel like i am just stuck in limbo forever
I loved DBT although it was hard at times, but it did change my life hugely for the better.

I would look at it that you have nothing to lose by trying therapy.xxx
 

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