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Haunted by abusive upbringing

H

hd1983

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
62
Location
UK
I am quite new to this forum but have posted a couple of times and been pleasantly surprised by the support available from the members on here.

I’ve recently started counselling sessions as I have a rollercoaster life in terms of dark times and less dark times, I’ve had 3 failed suicide attempts in the past and recently I approached a dark spell again. I now have a child and have no desire to do anything that puts her in a position where she would have no mum. So I spent some time researching and trying to find the best counsellor I could to start a journey with. (I have been down this path before with a GP referred counsellor and it didn’t even start really, I could not gel and the whole experience was not good).

Anyway, I have started to feel comfortable with my counsellor and feel that I’m ready to start talking about some of the things that lurk in my past.

Growing up me and my sister were constantly physically attacked by an abusive parent, it went on for a long time and I have little if any memories where it wasn’t happening. Sadly I was never as well behaved at school as my sister, so I was almost a catalyst for the severity of the abuse I received at home. I ran away from home several times, but was either found and taken home or somehow got sucked back in, even knowing what would happen.

I have begun to tell my counsellor about some of the times I was attacked and whilst we are not talking properly about it at the moment, it feels good to be able to even touch upon it, it is not something I have discussed with anyone bar my sister.

I know that my problems now are linked to what happened and whilst I can bring this into words in my sessions, much worse things happened than what I have described above and I have no idea how to write or talk about it, but it has an everyday effect on my life. I haven’t spoken to my sister about it or anyone ever, it was something that has been a secret for nearly 20/25 years.

How do I begin to deal with this if the thoughts scare me and I don’t know how to write or talk about it. It feels like I just have to take this to the grave, but at my age, that’s probably a long way away and I live in this shadow, which is sometimes very scary.
 
somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

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Feb 28, 2018
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227
Location
Australia
I'm sorry to hear you have not had the best upbringing and have struggled in the past. It can be very scary to think about things that we have experienced or have felt, let alone voice the words out loud to ourselves or to someone else. However, this is how we overcome things; we face the fear. It'll be terrifying, but it'll be temporary and it'll allow you the chance to face the past and find a way to accept it and move forward. I wish you the best, and hope you find the courage to confront what you fear and share your story with your counselor, or even if you just write it all down gradually in a word document. :)
 
T

Twokiwisandabanana

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Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
811
Your processing all of the stuff that happened to you and that takes guts
I think of it as unpicking speghetti of the bad messages we recieved as children
I always think that our lives are great because they can never be as bad as wHt already happened to us
Sending a :hug1:
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Staff Member on Leave
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Sep 12, 2013
Messages
2,423
I have had PTSD and there were aspects of the traumatic incident that I couldn't formulate into words (or if I tried set off horrendous flashbacks) I ended up seeing an NLP (Neuro linguistic programming) therapist as a lot of the therapy they do is content free (you don't have to talk about it for it to work you just think about it) I had a treatment called IEMT (integrated eye movement therapy) which was incredibly helpful. It is similar to EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming) which is a more mainstream therapy.

At the minute it sounds like you are at the beginning of your journey and are finding your current therapy helpful, so it is probably worth sticking with this for now and seeing how things go. It can take a long time to unpick things.
 
B

BrokenToy

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Mar 2, 2018
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Location
Antrim Coast, Ireland
How do I begin to deal with this if the thoughts scare me and I don’t know how to write or talk about it. It feels like I just have to take this to the grave, but at my age, that’s probably a long way away and I live in this shadow, which is sometimes very scary.
When you began writing on this forum I bet you didn't feel like you could put your thoughts into writing, yet here you are, you managed it and you're getting support! Your memories are hurting you now regardless whether you face them or not. If you do face them you have a chance to overcome them.

Like somedaymaybe said above perhaps just try to write it down gradually, if you're not happy with what you've written then scrap it. If you think it has helped by writing it down then post it after mulling it over for a while.
Don't feel pressured to do this, it needs to be 100% your decision and your choice of when to do it if you decide to go ahead. Sometimes just writing something down then destroying it can help even if no-one else has read it.
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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Feb 24, 2018
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1,653
Location
US
I know that my problems now are linked to what happened and whilst I can bring this into words in my sessions, much worse things happened than what I have described above and I have no idea how to write or talk about it, but it has an everyday effect on my life. I haven’t spoken to my sister about it or anyone ever, it was something that has been a secret for nearly 20/25 years.

How do I begin to deal with this if the thoughts scare me and I don’t know how to write or talk about it.
Hi, HD, my immediate reply would be "one day at a time." I'm proud you are able to start touching upon your past in therapy, but remember that you can go as quickly or as slowly as you like. Abuse tends to make us feel less worthy, but you are a very special human being who is capable of great things (just look at your daughter :)). I think if you take baby steps and start letting things go one at a time, you will eventually be able to address this part of your past as well. Give yourself time and try to find something positive to hold on to in the meantime. Much love and support as you continue this difficult journey :hug:
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
I'm sorry you suffered abuse. I have too. It is hard to deal with. You have all my support. :hug:
 
H

hd1983

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Mar 8, 2018
Messages
62
Location
UK
Have you managed to deal with this in anyway, or have you still got this as something you live with? I guess this will never go away, it’s just finding a way to make it less prominent in your life and not control how you are now, which sadly for me, it really does.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
I just try not to think about it. Therapy makes me feel worse. I'm better not thinking about it. But for some therapy works great. To each their own. Why are you worried?
 
H

hd1983

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Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
62
Location
UK
I just find it a challenge. Some of the things that happened prevent me from having a normal relationship with my husband and puts a day to day strain on normal things. My husband is really good but I know ultimately, if I can’t find a way to deal with it, it will probably mean the end of our marriage, I get very paranoid about certain things, it isn’t something I can easily not think about, it’s so active in my mind.
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
I'm sorry. I really hope you get better soon. I hope you can stay with your husband.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Dealing with your own issues is a good place to start. Something that you might want to consider in the future is family/couples therapy. My husband and I found this really helpful to help us deal with his mental health diagnosis and how it impacted on our relationship.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Moderator
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Jan 4, 2013
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9,887
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England
Hi,
I'm really sorry you've suffered abuse, really glad your therapy is helping.
I'm here to listen too.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Take care
 
P

PotGallus

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2018
Messages
2
Hold on. You will be fine.
 
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