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Hateful obsessions with people

tropicalsienna

tropicalsienna

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Hi all,

I was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, and most times I have tried to learn more about it have been disastrous (the Internet is a cruel place), so I tend to try to keep myself from searching anything about it. However, tonight I decided to search up a support forum and I found this place, and already just from some of the things I've read you guys say, it's like... I realize, "Oh, so that's a part of BPD." I hope this will be a place where I can learn more about this illness (and how to manage it) and be understood by others.

So anyway, I am guessing you guys are more knowledgeable of some of the ways BPD can present, so I'm hoping someone can help me out with this...

I have this issue where I excessively, obsessively hate someone. I specifically sought to talk about this tonight due to the current person who keeps recurring in my mind - a woman I really don't even know online, but we sort of run in the same circle, and she has triggered me on many occasions - but honestly that person is hardly some special case. I get this a lot, where someone in particular will do something to somehow stand out negatively in my mind, and then I become hatefully obsessed with them. Examples include: a woman who I felt was ostracizing me at work, and a different person from years ago online who attacked me on social media in a post which made an accusation against me and invalidated something I'd said.

With the person who attacked me years ago on social media, one way my obsession manifested was that I started reporting her account on that website from multiple accounts until she got suspended... and then once the suspension was lifted, I did it again. And again. And I did it to her backup account. Let the record show the girl legitimately is a bully - my reporting surely would've been useless if the website didn't constantly find hateful posts of hers to suspend her for - but I can't tell you how many hours of my life were devoted to getting revenge on her for hurting my feelings.

So now there's this other person I've been having this hateful obsession with. The way the obsession tends to manifest with her is I'll be tempted to send her a rude message just going off on her for all the reasons I think she's a bad person, basically. I did attend a DBT group in the past (this was actually before my diagnosis), and recently I made myself a "4 column" pro/con list re: resisting the urge to go off on her. The column that had the most items was "cons of not resisting the urge to go off on her" and that seems to have helped me resist the urge when it recurs because it's like, "Oh yeah, we've already figured out that's the most detrimental option."

My question is: is what I'm describing a part of BPD? And is this something any of you experience? Let the record also show I do have OCD, too, which... I know there's the "obsession" part of that, but... the extreme emotional reactions to this woman I've barely spoken to makes me lean more toward this being a BPD thing.

Another question: if this is something any of you experience or have experienced in the past, how do you manage it?

I would appreciate any kind, nonjudgmental feedback - I am prone to being "too open" and getting burned for it, and I know what I just shared is... something, but like I said, I'm hoping this can be a good place for me to learn and grow and find like-minded individuals who can relate and won't judge me.

Thank you in advance.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
4,258
Location
England
Welcome, you can be open here, and people will kindly help.

I don't have BPD but i do hold a grudge about a few people who have made my life much more difficult. I am thinking about some hospital workers who were unkind in a way that shocked me at the time. It was unecessary and confusing at the time, i was very angry with them.

Now, i just really dislike them but am more angry at myself for expecting people to behave perfectly, when most of us are not perfect and do and say things wrong all of the time. I think i have come to that conclusion over time with lots of reflection, and also getting older. I am still furious with them and really don't like them, something close to hate, but i hate what they did to me rather than hating THEM. Their behaviour was disgusting but they are human and humans can be horrible for reasons we don't understand.

I still hate them ;)

Life is really hard, i have found over time that i should rely on myself, and look after myself, and not expect anyone else too. If someone is nice, that is a bonus. I have no expectations and unkindness doesn't affect me so much. I don't really care, maybe i even feel sorry for them.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,321
Location
Glasgow
Hi all,

I was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year, and most times I have tried to learn more about it have been disastrous (the Internet is a cruel place), so I tend to try to keep myself from searching anything about it. However, tonight I decided to search up a support forum and I found this place, and already just from some of the things I've read you guys say, it's like... I realize, "Oh, so that's a part of BPD." I hope this will be a place where I can learn more about this illness (and how to manage it) and be understood by others.

So anyway, I am guessing you guys are more knowledgeable of some of the ways BPD can present, so I'm hoping someone can help me out with this...

I have this issue where I excessively, obsessively hate someone. I specifically sought to talk about this tonight due to the current person who keeps recurring in my mind - a woman I really don't even know online, but we sort of run in the same circle, and she has triggered me on many occasions - but honestly that person is hardly some special case. I get this a lot, where someone in particular will do something to somehow stand out negatively in my mind, and then I become hatefully obsessed with them. Examples include: a woman who I felt was ostracizing me at work, and a different person from years ago online who attacked me on social media in a post which made an accusation against me and invalidated something I'd said.

With the person who attacked me years ago on social media, one way my obsession manifested was that I started reporting her account on that website from multiple accounts until she got suspended... and then once the suspension was lifted, I did it again. And again. And I did it to her backup account. Let the record show the girl legitimately is a bully - my reporting surely would've been useless if the website didn't constantly find hateful posts of hers to suspend her for - but I can't tell you how many hours of my life were devoted to getting revenge on her for hurting my feelings.

So now there's this other person I've been having this hateful obsession with. The way the obsession tends to manifest with her is I'll be tempted to send her a rude message just going off on her for all the reasons I think she's a bad person, basically. I did attend a DBT group in the past (this was actually before my diagnosis), and recently I made myself a "4 column" pro/con list re: resisting the urge to go off on her. The column that had the most items was "cons of not resisting the urge to go off on her" and that seems to have helped me resist the urge when it recurs because it's like, "Oh yeah, we've already figured out that's the most detrimental option."

My question is: is what I'm describing a part of BPD? And is this something any of you experience? Let the record also show I do have OCD, too, which... I know there's the "obsession" part of that, but... the extreme emotional reactions to this woman I've barely spoken to makes me lean more toward this being a BPD thing.

Another question: if this is something any of you experience or have experienced in the past, how do you manage it?

I would appreciate any kind, nonjudgmental feedback - I am prone to being "too open" and getting burned for it, and I know what I just shared is... something, but like I said, I'm hoping this can be a good place for me to learn and grow and find like-minded individuals who can relate and won't judge me.

Thank you in advance.
Let it go that sort of thinking is bad for you
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,321
Location
Glasgow
Its been shown that malignancy in the brain translates to illness in the body. Let it go ✌
 
B

Butterfly3

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
71
Location
England
Hey tropicalsienna!

Welcome to the mental health forum, I hope we can help you with your mental illnesses and learn more about them and better ways to cope.

I too struggle with this and honestly I didn’t realise it was such a bad thing until reading your post and now I’ve realised that it is another area of BPD that causes me distress. My girlfriend has a friend who I absolutely hate! I cannot stand her, she is absolutely awful and I get in the most awful worst mood when she’s around and I even get sulky a bit when her name is just mentioned. I honestly hate her! Thinking about her makes my blood boil, I feel disgust and ew just I cannot stand her. I really struggle with this, before it was just jealousy I think, I had this paranoid idea that she was going to try and take my girlfriend away from me, she would do things like copy everything my girlfriend does (my girlfriend bought a car so she bought the same one just in another colour, my gf starts smoking so does she, my gf wants to lose weight and suddenly she’s signed up to the gym and inviting my gf along but I can’t go cause you can only get one free friend, my gf buys me roses and I put it on my snap chat story and suddenly the next week her boyfriend has apparently done the same and honestly so much more to the point where my girlfriends fam bought some knives for their new kitchen so she went and got the same knives). She even started telling my gf she thinks she’s bisexual and stuff and I really thought she was going to try get with my girlfriend, but now she’s engaged to her boyfriend and they’re having a baby and i really see now that my girlfriend would never go for her but now I just hate her. She triggers me so much. Before seeing all of those things triggered me but now every time we see her she says something that pisses me off, just rude remarks and I really hate her to be honest. But she’s my girlfriends friend so I don’t really have any choice but to see her.

Is there any way you can not see the people you hate? I may be wrong but I think maybe where we feel and think so strongly instead of disliking someone like everyone does we hate them but we are obsessively hating because they trigger past trauma? Like being invalidated and unheard? I could be completely wrong? You may feel it’s another reason. For me personally it helps when I work on emotional regulation from DBT, and specifically anger, disgust and jealousy. Doing things like opposite action and emotion management plans for when I feel that way so that I can do something to help me cope And I’ve got a plan in place. Also focusing on my own life, working on my goals or doing something productive and focusing on that and having those feelings of being proud at the end? Just working on myself and feeling better about myself really helps. Distractions and hobbies and talking to people on here or my family as well.

I hope that you feel better soon and manage to move past this, it’s tough but you will get there with time and The right skills for you. If you have any questions about what I’ve said or want to talk more just reply to this or message me.

Butterfly xx
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,829
Location
London, ON
Well, bpd causes intense emotions, so -I think getting that obsessive about being wronged is totally a part of BPD. We aren't good of letting go of feeling hurt or betrayed.

also - I would advise avoiding Reddit for info on BPD, it's pretty toxic on those subforums.


that has a decent, easy to understand, description of BPD (and other disorders) traits. It might help you to pick out the behaviours you have that connect to BPD.
 
tropicalsienna

tropicalsienna

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Its been shown that malignancy in the brain translates to illness in the body. Let it go ✌
I've heard before that hate can lead to physical illness. Thank you for reminding me of that. When you say "let it go"... I have tried. It comes back up and I get re-upset. In your opinion, is "letting it go" just a continual process of making the choice again and again not to engage the hateful thoughts until eventually the obsession dies, or ?
 
tropicalsienna

tropicalsienna

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Hey tropicalsienna!

Welcome to the mental health forum, I hope we can help you with your mental illnesses and learn more about them and better ways to cope.

I too struggle with this and honestly I didn’t realise it was such a bad thing until reading your post and now I’ve realised that it is another area of BPD that causes me distress. My girlfriend has a friend who I absolutely hate! I cannot stand her, she is absolutely awful and I get in the most awful worst mood when she’s around and I even get sulky a bit when her name is just mentioned. I honestly hate her! Thinking about her makes my blood boil, I feel disgust and ew just I cannot stand her. I really struggle with this, before it was just jealousy I think, I had this paranoid idea that she was going to try and take my girlfriend away from me, she would do things like copy everything my girlfriend does (my girlfriend bought a car so she bought the same one just in another colour, my gf starts smoking so does she, my gf wants to lose weight and suddenly she’s signed up to the gym and inviting my gf along but I can’t go cause you can only get one free friend, my gf buys me roses and I put it on my snap chat story and suddenly the next week her boyfriend has apparently done the same and honestly so much more to the point where my girlfriends fam bought some knives for their new kitchen so she went and got the same knives). She even started telling my gf she thinks she’s bisexual and stuff and I really thought she was going to try get with my girlfriend, but now she’s engaged to her boyfriend and they’re having a baby and i really see now that my girlfriend would never go for her but now I just hate her. She triggers me so much. Before seeing all of those things triggered me but now every time we see her she says something that pisses me off, just rude remarks and I really hate her to be honest. But she’s my girlfriends friend so I don’t really have any choice but to see her.

Is there any way you can not see the people you hate? I may be wrong but I think maybe where we feel and think so strongly instead of disliking someone like everyone does we hate them but we are obsessively hating because they trigger past trauma? Like being invalidated and unheard? I could be completely wrong? You may feel it’s another reason. For me personally it helps when I work on emotional regulation from DBT, and specifically anger, disgust and jealousy. Doing things like opposite action and emotion management plans for when I feel that way so that I can do something to help me cope And I’ve got a plan in place. Also focusing on my own life, working on my goals or doing something productive and focusing on that and having those feelings of being proud at the end? Just working on myself and feeling better about myself really helps. Distractions and hobbies and talking to people on here or my family as well.

I hope that you feel better soon and manage to move past this, it’s tough but you will get there with time and The right skills for you. If you have any questions about what I’ve said or want to talk more just reply to this or message me.

Butterfly xx
Hi, thank you for your response :)

I'm glad my post was able to make you recognize this as an area of BPD. As I was saying in my original post, I'm finding that the more I listen to others talk about their experiences with this mental illness, the more I realize, "Oh wait so that's what's going on when I'm experiencing xyz." I'm glad we can make each other more aware of different ways the illness manifests in our lives through sharing our experiences.

Your situation with your gf's friend made me think of a situation I've had with my sister's friend for a while now... Just hearing her name would upset me. She did something that upset me last year, and every so often it's flared up that I feel betrayed that my sister is still friends with her or at least won't tell her she should apologize to me for what happened. Meanwhile I don't think the girl holds any animosity for me... I'm kind of doing better about it now, after learning she doesn't hate me, but... Yeah, I sympathize.

As for if I can not see the people who are upsetting me... I did take the step earlier this month to block the current girl I've had this obsession with on the social media platform where I'd mostly see her. The person whose account I kept reporting (maybe I can make up fake names for these people so this doesn't get confusing lol) I literally didn't even know, she just interacted with one of my posts the one day in that way that upset me, so if I was ever seeing her account, it was because I was looking her up. I struggle with e-stalking people I've had these obsessions with...

I think your theory about why we go to hate could be onto something...

Thank you for sharing how you personally cope. I like those suggestions. :) I've been thinking about the concept of goals lately... I maybe need to get some of those. :p I have a bunch of things I've been wanting to work on lately, so that's something.

Thank you so much again!
 
tropicalsienna

tropicalsienna

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
Well, bpd causes intense emotions, so -I think getting that obsessive about being wronged is totally a part of BPD. We aren't good of letting go of feeling hurt or betrayed.

also - I would advise avoiding Reddit for info on BPD, it's pretty toxic on those subforums.


that has a decent, easy to understand, description of BPD (and other disorders) traits. It might help you to pick out the behaviours you have that connect to BPD.
Ain't that the truth... Do you have any particular things that help with the "letting go of feeling hurt or betrayed" issue?

Oh my gosh. I advise against Quora. There is this one person on there... maybe I'll make a whole post on this site about my Experience with seeing some of what she had to say about individuals with BPD... It was atrocious and had me sobbing on my bedroom floor.

I checked out the link. I don't remember what all I thought while reading through it, maybe I'll make another comment in the future with my thoughts if I remember or revisit the page, but I do know that when I started scrolling through the "in media" part and saw that someone listed Cheryl Blossom, I made a displeased sound out loud lmfao. Could not standdd that character, but... I can see where the person who felt she could have BPD was coming from.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,829
Location
London, ON
For me, the best way to get distance is, basically, creating distance. lol.

I avoid locations/sites/etc where the other person may be, entirely, if I can. If it's a website, I stay away. I lose them from Facebook, ditch their email... cross the street if I see them.

For me, simply seeing somebody who has upset me a ton is enough to put me right back at feeling badly, so, I avoid the trigger.

Another part is the amount of headspace a person takes up, in bad ways. I had what I thought was a close friendship go terribly badly and end. PArt of the issue being she's a neighbour in my building, so avoiding isn't a perfect solution. It left me with a lot to untangle and resolve, with a constant dialogue in my head, going over and over our "fights". Every time I saw her... boom, overwhelming thoughts. Part of it was trying to figure out a way to be friends again.

It took months and therapy and other friends for me to fully accept there was no going back. We both seriously burned the bridge. So, every time that dialogue started in my head, I had to angrily tell myself "This is stupid, she tried to get you arrested AND fired, why do you want to trust her again?!?!".

I came up with new things to add to my routine to replace her, ie, the time spent with her, with other stuff. Eventually, I found a good friend who took her place.

So, although it sounds like I'm making it seem too easy - distract yourself, and don't look back.
 
tropicalsienna

tropicalsienna

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
USA
So I have an update on this situation:

Two nights ago, I was obsessing over Trigger Girl again, but it was manifesting in the sense that I "wanted to try to find some humanity in her". That's a whole other side to this that I didn't mention in my original post - when I become so hatefully obsessed with someone, I also... crave to find humanity in them? To get along with them? (More on that later...) I learn so much about them from my stalking behaviors it's usually impossible not to discover humanity somewhere along the way.

Anyway, I unblocked her and ended up sending her a question, not as an anon, but as my username on the particular website we both frequent. She answered and was very friendly and invited me to message her. So I did, and we have been talking on and off since that night, and I'm finding that we have SO much in common. I can't even explain to you how surreal it is for me to actually be speaking to her as a human being and just ask her questions and get her legitimate answers to them, rather than psychoanalyzing tf out of her in my head based off ??? what I've pieced together from stalking or whatever and making assumptions and writing her life story for her. I feel like this is a big step forward for me in... idk, not letting BPD make someone into such an obsession I no longer see them as a person - it's like a way to kick the shit out of the tendency to go into devaluing. I also hope that, since I'm actually speaking to her now, the hateful obsession issue I've had with her will be no more. Seems very promising right now!

(Side note: it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I've been wrestling with some guilt because... I have done some obsessive things to her before anonymously rather than attaching my username to my words, and I know I'm the one who did those things, but she doesn't know it was me, so I guess I feel deceptive, since we're talking so friendly now... But I'm trying to work through it. And I definitely think it's promising that I'm realizing how poor my mental health was at the time I sent those anonymous messages, how bad my obsessive state was, and I can see my growth from then to now.)

This has left me with a question... I've seen the "favorite person" concept mentioned, and I'm wondering if... that can manifest in... hatred? That sounds contradicting, but it's like... I pick a person who I become so obsessed with I despise, but also... I sometimes picture us having a Conversation, or like I said I try to find humanity in them... Does this sound familiar to anyone else? It's almost like, instead of starting a dating relationship which begins with positive feelings and then eventually being hit with the devaluation attitude, I... start out hating the person and then I go back and forth with how I want to approach the situation (sending hate vs. seeking humanity)... I'd also point out that - like with this girl - I tend to have a lot in common with these people I obsess over, if that means anything.
 
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