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hate myself

M

MsSnowda

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
13
I literally hate myself. I wanted to kill myself but couldn't because I have 2 kids & couldn't leave them to dads who do absolutely nothing for them & yet think they do everything. It makes me furious. They don't financially or emotionaly support them. My son has autism, so I'm constantly worrying about him & his future. I tried therapy & was told I need to give my kids up & go to church. Um, no & no! My life is my kids & that's the only reason I'm alive & no thanks on the church because I don't believe in that stuff. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm on anxiety meds & still don't want to leave my house. Anyone have some insight?
 
Yorkshirelass

Yorkshirelass

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2012
Messages
748
Location
North Yorkshire
Hi MsSnowda,

Sorry you're having such a hard time right now. You sound like an incredibly strong person to cope with all that on your own.

Your therapist sounds like an right wing extremist idiot - you are way better off without that kind of 'therapy'!

I am guessing you are in the USA - is that right?

So - first of all - hating yourself. Lots of us around the forum experience that, me included. But it is really important to fight it. If you were to make a list of all the things about you worth loving, you would be surprised. You are a loving mum, a strong person, an independent person, a free thinker, a passionate person, someone who tries to improve herself, someone who wants to be well and live healthy and you produced two beautiful kids who you look after by yourself with no help from their dads. I can tell all that from one paragraph. If you really think about it, there will be loads more reasons to love yourself. The good stuff outweighs the bad. It is worth more.

Anxiety can be crippling. I am a sufferer too (as well as being bipolar), but I have learned to manage the extremes of it. Meds can help, but they're not the whole story. I know it's not always easy to access therapies. CBT is one that we get offered here a lot.

Church would only help you if you were a believer. Nothing Jesus can do if you're not interested in what he's got to say... You are right to say no to that.

Have you thought about trying to set yourself small goals that you can build on daily, or weekly, or whatever you feel comfortable with - e.g. one day, go out to the door and open it; next time, go through it for a minute, next time 2 minutes etc. It does mean you have to face the anxiety head-on. Essentially, you have to feel it to overcome it. I know that's terrifying.

But, what you learn through pushing yourself like that in a controlled way is that nothing bad will happen. You will feel horrified at the thought of doing it, but actually doing it, feeling the feelings and controlling them with breathing exercises and using your meds, will give you a feeling of making progress.

It's not an overnight answer. I get panic attacks around going to bed. I am deathly afraid of dying when I'm asleep. Obviously I can't never sleep. I have had to work on it. At first it was so bad I couldn't even sip water - my throat would close up and I would feel like choking. Now, I can go to sleep without too much trouble. I had to practice calming down, slowing my heart rate through controlled breathing, and then I had to face the fear. Just go to bed. Try not to feel scared. It is a battle but I'm getting there. Sometimes I slip and I have to use medication to calm me down, but mostly I am under control. I hate going to bed still, but I can do it without abject terror.

I wish I could give you something better than that as an answer, but I hope it helps. Please believe that you are doing an amazing job just getting on with it, coping by yourself. That is really something. Things will get better.
 
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MsSnowda

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
13
Thanks! I'm am, unfortunately in my opinion, I am in the US. People say is a free country are wrong. That is too much for me to get into. Thank you for your post York! Im going to try all of your suggestions. I wish you were my therapist. I would love a therapist who actually experienced some of my problems, so they would know what we're talking about. Your suggestions are WAY better than my former therapist. :)
 
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