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Has my depressed fiancé fallen out of love?

J

Jojones

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
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3
Location
England
I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we thought we were perfect for eachother. He has had depression for over 20 years, some days he cannot get out of bed. We’ve always worked through it though. Until now. During lockdown, he was out of work for 6 months (he’s freelance) so there were money worries, worries about health (we lost a family member to
Covid) and worries generally about him being able to keep busy during lockdown. Normally he plays sport to keep his mind active but a lot of sport was closed because of lockdown. I didn’t know until recently but my partner also stopped taking his anti depressants. He was quite erratic too in hindsight.
Then August came and my partner got a job for 5 weeks. He was thrilled but had to isolate in a hotel with the work bubble for 5 weeks. The day after he came home after the 5 weeks he told me he didn’t know how he felt about me anymore and had been feeling this way for a few weeks. He said he thought he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. I was devastated but he wanted to try and make it work.
two weeks later I found out that whilst he was away, he had grown close with a colleague and slept with her. He was devastated when he told me and I didn’t even recognise him. Since then he has been away and come home and he is desperate to make it work. He still says he loves me, he knows he does, but can’t feel it at the moment. He’s not even enjoying his sport hobbies anymore or time with his friends. He’s started taking his medication again now though.
I wondered if anyone else had been through this and had any advice. He says he’s in love and is trying to feel it again but doesn’t yet. When he’s in a normal mood, he says well he able to work it out and his feelings will come back But that it’s his depression telling him to self sabotage, but when he’s in a depressed state he worries it might not be his depression and he might just not love me. I know many will tell me I deserve better and to leave him, but prior lockdown he was my dream man, and I love him terribly. I miss our old life. Im grieving for it. Can people fall back in love? He said he really wants to discover his old love for me. He has had so any opportunities to leave but he wants to make it work. Could it be his depression?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Hi, I'm so sorry he has done this to you and your relationship. Whatever mental health problems he has, he is responsible for his behaviour. Even when depressed, i know what i am doing.

This is not about him now, this is about you. You shouldn't have to wait for someone to love you again. You shouldn't have been cheated on. He had sex with another woman, and said he doesn't love you/in love, whatever, nonsense.

What do you deserve? A man who loves you and does not cheat on you and does not make you worry.

What advice would you give to your friend, daughter, sister, cousin?
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,032
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through this. Depression does not make a person cheat on their partner. My ex told me he loved me but was not in love with me. I know how much it hurts to hear those awful words. Only you know what is the right thing to do for you but just know you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be respected.
 
J

Jojones

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
3
Location
England
Hi, I'm so sorry he has done this to you and your relationship. Whatever mental health problems he has, he is responsible for his behaviour. Even when depressed, i know what i am doing.

This is not about him now, this is about you. You shouldn't have to wait for someone to love you again. You shouldn't have been cheated on. He had sex with another woman, and said he doesn't love you/in love, whatever, nonsense.

What do you deserve? A man who loves you and does not cheat on you and does not make you worry.

What advice would you give to your friend, daughter, sister, cousin?
thank you, I know what you’re saying is absolutely right and I’m just blinded by love. He is definitely not himself at the moment and hasn’t been for months but I know that’s not my responsibility. I just hope I find the strength to do what’s right for me. I desperately love him, even after everything he has done.
 
J

Jojones

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
3
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through this. Depression does not make a person cheat on their partner. My ex told me he loved me but was not in love with me. I know how much it hurts to hear those awful words. Only you know what is the right thing to do for you but just know you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be respected.
Thank you, I know you are so right. He doesn’t blame his depression, it’s probably me doing that. He knows what he’s done is wrong and it’s almost sunk him into an even lower depression because he is devastated at what he has done. I’m sorry to hear you were told that, it truly is awful. Especially when that person is someone you consider your “home” and comfort. I hope you’re happier now x
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,032
Location
England
I totally understand why you are blaming his depression. You love him and want to be together. In my experience a clean break is so much less damaging then what is going on for you now. I really am sorry. To be in love and have things end is so painful. Thank you for asking about me. It took me many years to get over my ex but I am with somebody wonderful now. I hope for the same for you one day.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
Messages
4,498
Location
England
thank you, I know what you’re saying is absolutely right and I’m just blinded by love. He is definitely not himself at the moment and hasn’t been for months but I know that’s not my responsibility. I just hope I find the strength to do what’s right for me. I desperately love him, even after everything he has done.
Are you sure it is love that you are feeling?

It is an honest question. I have loved men who were no good for me and looking back, didn't love me the way i should have been loved.

No man has ever cheated on me and i have never cheated either. I should say unfaithful, that is a more mature word. Dishonest, disrespectful, careless, uncaring, cold, deliberately hurt or did not care if he hurt you, inconsiderate of your feelings, these are other suitable words and they sound more specific than cheated don't they, and hit home harder.

It is very easy for people and others to blame a mental illness. I remember a support group friend was in hospital, manic, visual hallicinations, delusions, and her fiancee was visiting her. She would not have had sex with someone else, and she was very unwell.

I have been severely depressed, and sex was the very last thing on my mind.

You could say he has not been himself, not been happy, lost, confused about life and what he wants, unhappy and using sex with a stranger to make himself feel better, which he later regretted, but i don't think for a minute that depression can be blamed. He is not perfect as a person.
 
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