Has my dad been abusing me? Abuse trigger warning

B

Boba1

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Joined
Oct 8, 2018
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3
#1
Hi all,

This is hard for me to type as I feel a slight betrayal on my part, but it's genuinely how I feel and it's a tricky subject to put into words. I'd appreciate your time to read and give me your input.

My close family consisted of my mum and dad and brother and I. My mum left us when I was 10 and my brother quickly went off the rails and has been in and out of prison since.
I have other family (Auntie, Cousins, Grandparents etc) but my dad made certain to keep them as far away as possible. I've never really had a relationship with them and I've felt very isolated.

My dad is bone idle. Not just a bit lazy or even very lazy, but absolutely BONE IDLE to the marrow. The man does nothing and never has done. He never does housework and never cooks. He never does DIY and only washes his own clothes because I refuse to do them. Since I was 12 it's been me that's done it all, and now at the age of 35 I'm sick of it. He has no hobbies, no interests, no friends and barely speaks. I've spent my life protecting him from those who slagged him off, telling them he is undiagnosed autistic, has depression, has anxiety issues etc. The truth is, he has non of these things, he is just utterly (and self confessed) bone idle.

The thing that annoys me the most, beyond everything else, is that our house is falling apart. He's lived here for 40 years and has never done a single piece of DIY in all that time. I've done it all. The brick work outside is crumbling, the paint disintegrating, The front door is rotted, the roof has holes in it and leaks inside, and don't even get me started on the back. I've NEVER seen another house this bad and it's embarrassing.
The inside is a different story. It pretty clean and tidy and well decorated and that's all my work. I've been fixing things since I was a child and all the while this person just sits there watching. I'm still doing it today and the issues are getting worse after years of neglect. He is the only person I know who would just sit there and do nothing while water is dripping on him from through the roof. He quickly shuts down any discussions over DIY (or work of any sort) and loses the power of speech if you mention things that need doing. It's highly frustrating trying to engage with him over such things. I've felt masses of pressure over the years to do housework and fix things often whilst trying to hold down a full time job.

Anyway...
I've had terrible depression and low self esteem and was diagnosed with Bipolar in 2010. I've bounced around from job to job struggling with my mental health and questioned everything in my life to try and find a cause and getting frustrated just thinking I was broken. I love working, but can't seem to cope under pressure and because of this I'm stuck here with him at the age of 35 basically doing all his rubbish.

I think he is the cause of my problems. Has the pressure put on me through my lazy father a form of abuse? Been eating away at me and causing me to fall?

What are your thoughts?

Thanks so much, Boba x
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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#2
Hi,
It sounds like you've been neglected, yes neglect is a form of abuse.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your dad does sound ill, as it's unusual not to do anything.
Maybe he is neglecting himself, that is a warning sign of mental illness. Keeping you from others is psychological abuse.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
Kaii24

Kaii24

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Joined
Oct 10, 2018
Messages
26
Location
Atlanta
#3
Hey,
I can definitely relate.
When I was 3 years old, my mother & father separated, and I would go to my dad’s on the weekends. Well, I never got to spend time with my father and my brothers and their friends were always there. I was the ONLY girl. Well one day my oldest brother decides he wants to molest me and was doing it on a regular basis. My father didn’t believe me and convinced my mom to drop charges.

At 5 years old my mother and father divorced. That left me in a very depressed mode for many years considering the fact that I was a true daddy’s girl. So I got to see him on holidays and school breaks. And he seemed like a good dad then and sometimes he was really mean ... well because I wanted to develop a father daughter relationship, at age 19 I decided to move to where he was and live with him because I wanted to get to know him. I wanted that acceptance from him. I wanted approval and feel protected. I wanted to feel loved.

Well sometimes he was nice but most of the time he wasn’t. For 4 years I’ve dealt with his manipulative controlling ways. He verbally and emotionally abused me. He also had physically abused me. I was trapped and I couldn’t get away for a while because he always had something on me. And other people associated with him abused me as well.

I was losing my mind and I had a mental breakdown. In June of 2018, I just got away from him and back to my mother.

I never thought in a million years somebody you love so much would damage everything within you causing you to feel like you’re worthless. And to think about it, he’s the MAIN cause of everything that I’ve been through...

I suffered PTSD. I kept having nightmares about him coming after me, trying to run my life and take me back with him.

Flashbacks were terrible. I was paranoid. Just everything was messed up. And I still deal with it. I wanted to end my life. Life just didn’t feel worth living anymore.

I’m at a point where I can’t even go to work without going crazy or feeling sick.

So I definitely again in a way can understand.

My dad was never pleased of anything I did, it was never good enough. He would mess the house up and I would clean up and he’d do again and blame for it. I worked for him and he kept firing me and rehiring me and kept working me like a slave. If I had hate in my heart he would feel every inch of it. He has messed my whole life up. I could’ve had my own salon of it wasn’t for him. He wouldn’t let me live. He wanted me to do HIS dream and live HIS life.

I’m sorry you went through what you went through and I hope you were able to relate to this. But I definitely saw some of me in your story and I thank you for sharing your story. I hope things are better for you.
-Kaii ?
 
B

Boba1

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Oct 8, 2018
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#4
Hi Kali,

Thanks so much for sharing your problems too. Sounds like you've had an awful experience.
I can identify with your issues a lot, but also, at the same time, not at all. Were your father had too much to say about you, and most of it negative, my father never said anything. He doesn't give you any kind emotional connection at all. You just get nothing. He just appears to be this empty shell of a person. All I've ever had from him is that he is worthless, useless, boring, lifeless and lazy. The effects of this on me have been tragic, especially the last.
I agree with the other responder that he has been very neglectful.
What I think is that my dad never wanted children and actually doesn't like me. It's actually quite obvious when I think about it. It's okay though because I really don't like him either, he's a pathetic worm, so it's a mutual dislike, but I cannot accept doing everything for him. He has walked all over me since childhood and it will stop now.

Do you have a plan Kali for your health? What are you going to do?

X
 
Kaii24

Kaii24

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Oct 10, 2018
Messages
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Location
Atlanta
#5
Yeah that is neglect and I’m sorry that it had to come to this point. I guess it’s true what they say, some people aren’t meant to be parents. I don’t know why the children have to suffer because of their decisions...

My father used to even act like he didn’t want kids and that we were an embarrassment to him... he wasn’t really affectionate either. He hated when I hugged him or anything like that.

Yeah I’m going to go back to counseling. Hey my life back on track. They are probably gonna put me on a medication. I hate to say this but I might have to apply for disability for a while just until I get back on my feet.

I meditate a lot. And pray. That’s helped a lot.

It’s really been a hard one for the last 4 years.
I’m gonna start back up writing on this app called Wattpad. That was therapy for me as well.

How’s your wellness journey going? What do you do to stay strong?

How do you manage all of this?
 
B

Boba1

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Oct 8, 2018
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#6
Hi again,
Actually, the more you write about your dad the more I can see stronger similarities. They are both abusive. People seem to think that physical and sexual abuse are the only abuses that matter but emotional or psychological abuse is just as damaging.

I actually have no Wellness plan at the moment. This is actually the first time I've opened up about it. It's been great getting the opinions of others, so I suppose that's a form of therapy. I have no idea what to do. This needs to stop but I don't know how.

Can you recommend counseling?
I have thought about it but don't know if it would really help or am I taking up valuable resources that could be used for people with real trauma. I feel I need something though and fast because I can feel my health slipping again.

X
 
Kaii24

Kaii24

Active member
Joined
Oct 10, 2018
Messages
26
Location
Atlanta
#7
Exactly. It most definitely is just as damaging. It’s also something that takes time to heal.

Counseling helps, the more you get it out of your system, the close you are to closure. So I definitely recommend it.

I don’t know if you have any hobbies, but pick something that interest you the most and keep yourself busy with it, that helps too.

Yeah I believe talking to other people on here listening to their stories and advice is a form of therapy. I literally just joined today. I needed to talk with people who speak my language when it comes to mental health.

I mentioned earlier that I meditate. They have great videos on YouTube with soothing music and positive affirmations to help change mindset and have a different outlook on life.

It has made a difference for me.
If I try out new methods, I will definitely share them with you. I don’t know how fast they’ll work but I know I’m gonna try my best to become my best.
 

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