- Oct 28, 2018
This is the ultimate conundrum. I know ideas stem from other places and often people with schizophrenia or just people if you don't like that word being so general or confining have been quick to adopt concepts from ideas or books or television or music into some story of their own. That's what makes this so confusing. I'm really struggling to explain this. Basically in my life I have met many geniuses or prodigies whatever people with powers but I feel like they have all lied to me, keeping information from me. I know I've withheld information from other people too but I can't help feeling like I'm involved in something weird. People have told me that I have created this and that makes sense yes but it's also not so quick to just dismiss the system of it, I almost want to be questioned. I'm really unhappy. I know it's easy to say it's MK Ultra. Easy, but how can I know. It's connecting everything with time. Why should I allow it to happen, it's controlling me and there's no way of stopping it. I'm sick of being dismissed and treated like a dog. It's always fucking with me. It can link the next word on TV with what I'm supposed to hear next, to my thoughts. It knows what is going to happen. Anything embarrassing, any defect whatsoever, any imbalance in emotions is put on display and exploited, they can't fix me. I have no idea why they're here, it's made like it's supposed to happen, like I have an important role. I don't get it and I know other schizophrenics have thought they were Jesus or whatever but I just understand that as understanding roles. Is it just that I've gotten to the point where I can understand the limits of my brain and it's driving me crazy, struggling to understand this so much I created a guide. And where does I come into the picture, I'm being fragmented. No longer just I, welcoming this other thing. I just want to escape time and know everything, I want to be Doctor Who. The trouble understanding all this stuff is knowing there is nothing you can do to fix it, being so humiliated that there's nothing embarrassing anymore, it's all just motions. Feeling everyone has a role and like you're creating something. The weight. Insensitivity. I've personalized this voice so much it's become a life. Always asking what is going on.