Has anyone ever got over this? (HOCD/ROCD/POCD)

A

alphacharlie1

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Sheffield
#1
Hello, so around a year ago my general anxiety took a completely different turn when I started to spend large amounts of time apart from my girlfriend due to work/university commitments.. during this time I started to feel quite lost and developed mild HOCD which would come and go once in a while..but my year at university meant I was always on my own and so my thoughts spiralled and I developed full ocd, by March this year I’d read every forum, book, social media post on all types of ocd and convinced myself I was gay/paedophile/wasn’t going to feel attracted to my girlfriend next time I saw her.

The types of thoughts I have are ones that make me feel like “I’ve always been gay” or I’m hiding something and it tries to make me think that this can all go away if I “come out” but this is really not what I want. It’s to the point where I’ll be watching something on tv and a middle aged, scruffy fat man will come on screen and my mind is instantly thinking I’m attracted to this person or this type of person?? I hate it and it’s so random, it’s like fair enough I can understand the logic if like a model or something came on screen but this is literally just normal looking people and it happens when I just see random people in the street or on peoples instagrams and just really worries me.

I’ve seen various ‘therapists’ who don’t really understand ocd so I’ve just been reading a book at the moment and trying to do meditation+ERP myself which I don’t really know if it’s working or not. It’s like a vicious cycle that I’m so used to now that if the POCD is low then the HOCD takes over and then if I’m seeing my girlfriend then the ROCD starts going. Ive just got the most amazing graduate job which is all the way down in London (im from up north) and at the moment I can’t even begin to think about being away from home on my own like that, everyone is saying how amazing it is etc etc but the only thing I want in life is for these doubts to go away and for me to get my relationship back to what it was.

I also have an issue with like crime and killings in the news/tv it’s like I feel instantly guilty for it or something. My head convinces me that all these thoughts and feelings aren’t ocd and they’re real, it’s really hard to explain but my main fear is that I could do something at any moment that could ruin everything, that’s how I always feel, like if I’m around a male I could impulsively do something that means I’m gay or in the other situations with the other types of ocd.

This freaks me out. I don’t want medication because the side effects sound horrific, I just want to know if anyone’s ever got over this or had a similar experience? I feel like the further away I get from last summer (no ocd) then the less I am able to realise these thoughts and feelings aren’t real.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
824
Location
Minnesota, USA
#2
Hi @alphacharlie1 .

I developed POCD late last. It was devastating and thought that this could make me insane any moment.

Always remember that you are not your thoughts. Even people without any mental health issues have random scary thoughts pop in their minds but they can let go easily. We over analyze our thoughts and question why did we think that way or why were we afraid of those thoughts.

In your situation, you are very aware and very cautious and I really doubt that you will act on those thoughts.

I tried so hard to come over my POCD but I couldn’t. It was very severe and my anxiety and depression added to the devastation. I also was against medications. It was my first time trying to try. I was afraid if the side effects but luckily it was nothing that I’ve read. I tried lexapro(Escitalopram) and in a matter of 1 week, I noticed a huge difference. It took care of all three depression, anxiety and POCD. Medication might be temporary only. After you feel better, you can taper off.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
A

alphacharlie1

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Sheffield
#3
Hi @alphacharlie1 .

I developed POCD late last. It was devastating and thought that this could make me insane any moment.

Always remember that you are not your thoughts. Even people without any mental health issues have random scary thoughts pop in their minds but they can let go easily. We over analyze our thoughts and question why did we think that way or why were we afraid of those thoughts.

In your situation, you are very aware and very cautious and I really doubt that you will act on those thoughts.

I tried so hard to come over my POCD but I couldn’t. It was very severe and my anxiety and depression added to the devastation. I also was against medications. It was my first time trying to try. I was afraid if the side effects but luckily it was nothing that I’ve read. I tried lexapro(Escitalopram) and in a matter of 1 week, I noticed a huge difference. It took care of all three depression, anxiety and POCD. Medication might be temporary only. After you feel better, you can taper off.

I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for your reply. I’m wary of medication I think because I feel like I’ve read so much stuff about dosages/finding the right medication and just feel like it will be a really long strung out process until I might find something that works. This, and the fact my OCD is saying that medication surely can’t stop you from being secretly gay. I know it seems silly but this is the endless loop I put myself in. I’m unsure of what compulsions even are anymore because I don’t really go out that much and just watch TV all day, I don’t really see my girlfriend much so don’t even get that reassurance of being straight, and also feel guilty for using our time together as some kind of mental HOCD experiment for myself. I’m saying this on a day that HOCD is quite prominent, yet I could wake up tomorrow and the POCD could start and that’ll consume my head for a week.