Hard to keep going *triggers*

[Miho]

I have therapy at the moment. But right now its bringing emotions up that I have tried to put away for so long. I have such a low self worth and esteem.
And now with me falling in love with so many women online I dont know where to go. I left all but this forum. I stopped playing world of warcraft. Something I did hours on end.
All because of my romantic feelings.
And now after days of just sitting here in my home I keep feeling I can not go own.
Love has always been hard for me as I am afraid of women and I use everything in a twisted way to punish myself.
I hate this and I hate myself.

 

[MoonShapedPool]

Hey,I just got charged by Blizzard for my old WOW account - I
haven`t used it 12 months
Hope I have not been hacked again!
Sorry you are struggling.
Try to get back into your world,in your game.
It can be quite Therapeutic riding around on your mount.
You can just spend less time on it & more with your Girl?

 

[Miho]

I hope you are not hacked. That would be terrible.

I am single. And I still like the game a lot. But I stopped playing since I fell for a girl in the game. But being in wow is way to painful because I can only think of her. And I use that to punish myself. But that game was all I had left apart from work. But now since I have all these feelings coming up I am slipping more and more into darkness and dont know if I want to stay or just end it all. Now that I seem to fall for women so fast I feel like a predator. While in reality I run away from it as fast as I can.

 

[treasurebox]

Know that you were created wonderfully. Love yourself because you can. Love yourself because it is the only way you can really, truly and fully love others. Appreciate your strengths and your uniqueness. You have it in you to love yourself and love others.

 

[Miho]

Thanks, this is something thats missing within me. And one of the things I want to do but fail at.

I had a talk with my therapist over the phone since she was worried about me. And for the time being I am going to stop playing wow. And I also stopped with discord for the time being.

To give me some peace and get more out of therapy.

 

[Miho]

Things seem so dark right now. I had a nap and woke up sweating. And I can not shake the thoughts that I have to die. I need to have punishment.

All I am doing is thinking of ways how to do it.

 

[NWiddi]

Please reach out for help, here and by using any other resources you can find.

For the Netherlands I found this service.

Stichting 113Online (113 | zelfmoordpreventie | 0800-0113) provides a 24/7 national suicide prevention phone line and webchat.

• 113Online hotline can be reached at 113 or 0800 0113.
• 113Online Webchat can be found at https://www.113.nl/ik-denk-aan-zelfmoord/hulplijn

For anyone else reading this who feel the need to talk to someone.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

Please contact me if you require services for a country that is not listed here.

 

[Miho]

Thanks, I did call them but they only have a set amount of minutes and then they help someone else. But since I already feel like people dont want me it can make me worse.

Its moments like this get are worst for me. I feel like I am to much. That people here dont like me and would like to see me leave. And sitting all alone would be best. Feeling sorry for myself. Damn I hate myself.

 

[MeAndMyDepression]

Why do you think you need punishment?

 

[Miho]

For making mistakes. At work and in my personal life. For having hopes and dreams while I know I am not worth it and not worth peoples time.

 

[MeAndMyDepression]

Everybody makes mistakes. It's part of living. What surprises me is--as an example--that Elon Musk (now the richest person in the world) so freely admits that he makes mistakes. Admitting your mistakes takes courage and strength. People look up to you when you do that. A lot of people struggle with having hopes and dreams. You say that you do have hopes and dreams. That makes you special. I think that talk therapy (CBT) will help you overcome your negative self-talk that you are not worth it and not worth people's time.

 

[Miho]

Thanks for that thoughtful post. I have a great therapist that is helping me on my journey. And I must say that the people here are lovely too.

I am doing my best but I am worried.

 

[Miho]

Lately the loneliness is causing so much pain. I feel I have a lot to give. But there is no one around. I miss having hugs. A cuddle.

If this is going to be the rest of my life. Wanting so badly but pushing away I struggle to keep going.