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hard to cope with personality disorder and bi-polar together

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cusochris

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2008
Messages
4
Ive been experiencing mental health problems now for nearly seven years and still feel that ive been cheated out of the life i should have had. I was a nurse in a job i loved, a respected mother and member of the community, and a wife who could successfully run a household. I lost my job and could never return to the same profession, I dont feel that my children have half the respect for me that they used to and cant do more than one thing at a time do to memory problems and lack of confidence. Problems as a child left me with so much baggage and horrendous nightmares. I feel like crying all the time and regularly struggle with thoughts of self harm. All this from a forty-four year old woman who doesnt like who she is and feels ashamed with being so reliant on others twentyfour hours a day. I panic if im left alone for more than ten minutes at a time and am severly phobic of the dark. (all the above occuring since the breakdown approximately seven years ago) Im not sure that i should post this as it all sounds so pathetic and like i just feel so sorry for myself. Im still on a waiting list to see a psychologist as i need help to learn to live with this, something i still cant do after several years. My huspand has stood by me through all this and if it wasnt for him i wouldnt still be here. I need to know if there are others who really feel this desperate so much of the time? and if so can they suggest anything at all that might give me some hope that i may be the person i once was again, or at least some part even close. I know without the meds id feel a lot worse cause i tried that once.Ive avoided posting since i joined so if i dont now i dont think i ever will.
 
rollinat

rollinat

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
1,816
Welcome to the forum Cusochris. I don't have experience of your particular MH problems but hopefully someone will come along soon who does. I am not very good at offering advice but just wanted to reply to your post to say I am thinking of you, and I hope you can find some of the support you need here and in the real world - it is a friendly place here and I have found it very supportive.

Take care and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

:hug:
Rollinat
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Hi Cusochris
I suffer from depression and anxiety this started last year and like you I have lost my career through it and am in my mid forties. I think that life becomes different and hopefully seeing a psychologist will help.Have they got your bi polar treated properly because that must help.Its good that you have the support and love of your family.
This forum is very good for sharing experiences.
KP
 
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Dollit

Guest
For a start you don't sound pathetic. You sound troubled, frightened and at a loss but not pathetic.

When someone posts with so much on their plate all at once I always say the same thing to do them as it was said to me a long time ago and it got me through. Choose one thing that you can cope with dealing (break it down into smaller parts if you have to) and focus on that.

For me it was memory problems, and still is to a point, but I devised a system where everything is logged twice. I drive people round the bend with my constant checking but I get places and do things and the rest of the world doesn't know.

There is something that may help your feeling of panic when you're alone but I'd have to work on phrasing it properly before it went on open forum as it could come across as wrong.

But today, do one nice thing for yourself, just one small thing - you deserve it.
 
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cusochris

New member
Joined
Jun 29, 2008
Messages
4
many thanks to those who replied

Its interesting to note KP1 that you emphasize the need for the correct treatment for Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed Bi-Polar for the first few years of my illness and reacted well to Lithium. My psychiatrist retired and i was then passed over to a new doctor, who from the start assumed he knew how i felt and what was best for me without my input. After an accute episode in hospital i was told it wasnt Bi-Polar but clinical depression and Borderline pesonality disorder and put on Trazadone (i was over the moon about the second disorder as i had known for a very long time that there was something fundamentally wrong with who i was as a person) Now that he has finally moved to a position elsewhere my new doctor is a lady who after seeing me just once and talking to my CPN and Key worker feels that maybe the diagnosis shouldnt have been changed! and that my medication needs urgently reviewing (urgently being in the next few months going by the system). Im so desperate not to feel so lost and lonely and feel that i dont fit in anywhere. Thanks to all who replied, i feel i can share how i feel on the forum and only those who want to hear me winge and complain constantly need to listen. My husband works full time, runs the house finances alone and sorts any problems that arise. So with all that i cant expect him to listen to me moan all day every day that hes with me, and i wouldnt expect him to either. I would love one day to be able to be completely alone for more than ten minutes and not feel so petrified and panicky at even the thought of it. To lay in the dark and sleep without being terrified of what might happen (For the last several years ive slept with a light on in the bedroom) I hate it when it gets dark at night incase the lights fail and my two torches dont work. Thanks for listening, ill be back to moan somemore.
 
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