• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Happy Now, Angry Later, Crying Soon

W

WhatIsNext

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2020
Messages
8
Location
New Jersey
I've joined this community hoping to find insight and connection with people who may have been through what I'm going through. Mental illness isn't new to me - I'm 33 on the 8th, and I've been struggling with undiagnosed mental and behavioral issues for a long time - but right now, it feels worse than it ever has.

After many years of "no, I don't need therapy, I don't need medication, I can do this on my own" and failing miserably, I attended behavioral therapy for two months. Then, my insurance denied the claim. After exerting myself through sheer will and battling against my ego to see a therapist, I was both devastated and relieved to know I couldn't go anymore. Now I don't know how I'll get myself to begin scouring for an in-network therapist or psychiatrist.

The thing is, even after seeing her for two months, I still hated myself for going to therapy. And I get it: your mental health is just as important as physical health, and if you have a disease or an ailment, you go to the doctor, etc., etc.. Except the tumor the doctor is removing isn't a reflection of you as a person. Going to therapy is, to me, a reflection of my weakness as an individual, an admission that I'm a failure that needs to pay people to hear me talk so I can feel better about myself. Prostitution for the mind. I know that everything I just said is wrong, and I'd never say that to another person seeking help. Why should I say it to myself? Even coming here to talk with people makes me feel shame. Ego?

I've never really wanted to talk about my issues. My ex-girlfriend pressured me a lot to open up to her. "What's wrong? Tell me why you're upset". No, I don't want to. This is how I feel right now, I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, and talking about things doesn't make them change or go away, I just want to be alone. I explained to her that when I start to open up and talk about how I'm feeling, it just makes me feel worse in the end. I'll regret it, I'll hate the words that came out of me, I'll feel ashamed, and I won't want that person to see me again. You can say, "it's okay, I love you, and I don't think any less of you". And I'll think you're lying, or you just don't want to admit that you think I'm a pretty sad individual. I don't need or want your pity, so let's just drop the subject, and leave me alone until the way I feel changes. I react much the same way from therapy.

I go back and forth between this place where I don't care what people think, and caring only what people think. I go back and forth between understanding I'm an individual with his own history and his own path in life, and comparing myself to others to the point of an inferiority complex. I might get a little better with handling negative thoughts, for a little while, but I always slip back into the bad place. My thoughts are often racing, they cause me anxiety and keep me up at night. I often have this inner dialogue where optimism and positivity becomes this imaginary thing. I don't want to pretend that I'm a success, I want to actually be a success. I have this perfectionist attitude where I'll go above and beyond to achieve something, yet never feel satisfied. And then, I give up so I don't have to feel bad anymore, but, I feel bad for giving up, so I still lose. In ten years, I've lost weight, only to gain it back, only to lose it again, only to gain it back a dozen times. I have every shirt size from medium to 3XL in my wardrobe, a reflection of my inability to be satisfied or love myself.

If you took the time to read this, I am very thankful, and I look forward to being a part of this community. Please understand that it took tremendous energy and courage on my part to write these things. I've been suffering for a long time. I have mood swings that happen suddenly on a daily basis. I'll feel fine, then I'll be angry, then I'll have a crying fit in the middle of the day, and none of it ever makes sense. Some days I'm too fatigued to just do laundry, and some days I have boundless energy. I often find myself avoiding family for stretches of time. I love people in my life very dearly, yet, sometimes I just can't stand them in the slightest. There are times that my best friend of half of my life feels like a threat and I won't talk to him. I have anxiety all the time. I've been drinking heavily lately because I can't deal with the depression, the mood swings, or my twisted thoughts anymore, and I've gone so far as to plot out how I'll commit suicide to escape having to be me anymore.

My confidence has been dwindling over the past several years, and when my relationship of five years ended a year ago, I've been progressively worse. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I have nothing to offer, and that I'm simply not someone that can be loved. My family never seems to enjoy my presence, and I don't seem to enjoy theirs, I feel uncomfortable around them. I get along famously with most co-workers, but that's because the connection is shallow and it's just work. I do have long-distance friends that I talk to, and I live with family, but I'm still lonely. I think even when I was in a relationship, I was lonely. I never feel connected to other human beings. Not the way I think I should.

In the end, I'm not even sure who I am anymore. But I'm going to keep trying to come to terms with my condition, and seek the help that I both need and... deserve, maybe? I want to be a better person for myself, and for other people. I want to feel like I'm in control. I want to feel like I'm happy with life. I want to be happy with my achievements instead of feeling inadequate. I'd like all of this to happen before I'm dead, naturally or otherwise, and I have a bad feeling it won't.

Thanks for reading.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
12,282
Location
Nowhere
hi WhatIsNext

thankyou I found it very readable
and appreciate your courage in writing it

I hope it made you feel a little better to write it

and welcome to the forum hope you find it helpful !

:grouphug:
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
1,242
Location
Canada
Welcome to the site. I read your post. Sounds like you are going through a lot. A lot of other people who write on here, are also going through hard times too. I don't find this comforting really, only it does make sense in some ways, that you are not the only one, none of us is the only one... the world is surely full of struggles.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
4,320
Location
Sheffiield
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I hope things improve for you soon. It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be contacted on 1-800-273-8255
or suicidepreventionlifeline.org. In the USA and Canada 211 is a number you can use to access information about social services.

Please take good care of yourself.
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
338
Location
Australia
I've joined this community hoping to find insight and connection with people who may have been through what I'm going through. Mental illness isn't new to me - I'm 33 on the 8th, and I've been struggling with undiagnosed mental and behavioral issues for a long time - but right now, it feels worse than it ever has.

After many years of "no, I don't need therapy, I don't need medication, I can do this on my own" and failing miserably, I attended behavioral therapy for two months. Then, my insurance denied the claim. After exerting myself through sheer will and battling against my ego to see a therapist, I was both devastated and relieved to know I couldn't go anymore. Now I don't know how I'll get myself to begin scouring for an in-network therapist or psychiatrist.

The thing is, even after seeing her for two months, I still hated myself for going to therapy. And I get it: your mental health is just as important as physical health, and if you have a disease or an ailment, you go to the doctor, etc., etc.. Except the tumor the doctor is removing isn't a reflection of you as a person. Going to therapy is, to me, a reflection of my weakness as an individual, an admission that I'm a failure that needs to pay people to hear me talk so I can feel better about myself. Prostitution for the mind. I know that everything I just said is wrong, and I'd never say that to another person seeking help. Why should I say it to myself? Even coming here to talk with people makes me feel shame. Ego?

I've never really wanted to talk about my issues. My ex-girlfriend pressured me a lot to open up to her. "What's wrong? Tell me why you're upset". No, I don't want to. This is how I feel right now, I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, and talking about things doesn't make them change or go away, I just want to be alone. I explained to her that when I start to open up and talk about how I'm feeling, it just makes me feel worse in the end. I'll regret it, I'll hate the words that came out of me, I'll feel ashamed, and I won't want that person to see me again. You can say, "it's okay, I love you, and I don't think any less of you". And I'll think you're lying, or you just don't want to admit that you think I'm a pretty sad individual. I don't need or want your pity, so let's just drop the subject, and leave me alone until the way I feel changes. I react much the same way from therapy.

I go back and forth between this place where I don't care what people think, and caring only what people think. I go back and forth between understanding I'm an individual with his own history and his own path in life, and comparing myself to others to the point of an inferiority complex. I might get a little better with handling negative thoughts, for a little while, but I always slip back into the bad place. My thoughts are often racing, they cause me anxiety and keep me up at night. I often have this inner dialogue where optimism and positivity becomes this imaginary thing. I don't want to pretend that I'm a success, I want to actually be a success. I have this perfectionist attitude where I'll go above and beyond to achieve something, yet never feel satisfied. And then, I give up so I don't have to feel bad anymore, but, I feel bad for giving up, so I still lose. In ten years, I've lost weight, only to gain it back, only to lose it again, only to gain it back a dozen times. I have every shirt size from medium to 3XL in my wardrobe, a reflection of my inability to be satisfied or love myself.

If you took the time to read this, I am very thankful, and I look forward to being a part of this community. Please understand that it took tremendous energy and courage on my part to write these things. I've been suffering for a long time. I have mood swings that happen suddenly on a daily basis. I'll feel fine, then I'll be angry, then I'll have a crying fit in the middle of the day, and none of it ever makes sense. Some days I'm too fatigued to just do laundry, and some days I have boundless energy. I often find myself avoiding family for stretches of time. I love people in my life very dearly, yet, sometimes I just can't stand them in the slightest. There are times that my best friend of half of my life feels like a threat and I won't talk to him. I have anxiety all the time. I've been drinking heavily lately because I can't deal with the depression, the mood swings, or my twisted thoughts anymore, and I've gone so far as to plot out how I'll commit suicide to escape having to be me anymore.

My confidence has been dwindling over the past several years, and when my relationship of five years ended a year ago, I've been progressively worse. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I have nothing to offer, and that I'm simply not someone that can be loved. My family never seems to enjoy my presence, and I don't seem to enjoy theirs, I feel uncomfortable around them. I get along famously with most co-workers, but that's because the connection is shallow and it's just work. I do have long-distance friends that I talk to, and I live with family, but I'm still lonely. I think even when I was in a relationship, I was lonely. I never feel connected to other human beings. Not the way I think I should.

In the end, I'm not even sure who I am anymore. But I'm going to keep trying to come to terms with my condition, and seek the help that I both need and... deserve, maybe? I want to be a better person for myself, and for other people. I want to feel like I'm in control. I want to feel like I'm happy with life. I want to be happy with my achievements instead of feeling inadequate. I'd like all of this to happen before I'm dead, naturally or otherwise, and I have a bad feeling it won't.

Thanks for reading.
Hey there. Saddened to hear of your pain. I hear you and will listen even if what you are holding inside takes years to come out. I won't judge you either.

Just remember whenever you don't want to reveal something you can always nourish yourself by reading about that particular issue or you can simply use general terms. Whatever makes you more comfortable.

Every problem has a solution. I've been through multiple Mental Illnesses for years and am doing much better now.

I'll respond a bit later as I have something to do outside right now.
 
W

WhatIsNext

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2020
Messages
8
Location
New Jersey
Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I am grateful for it. It was very difficult for me to write, and I didn't think anyone would care to read something of that length. I'm glad I was wrong.

Zoe1 : Thank you for welcoming me. Forcing oneself to do something that one feels horrible doing, in hopes that good might come of it in spite of the doubt, is indeed courageous. It was not easy. Do I feel better having done it? No, not necessarily, but I at least feel...safe to speak here. Everyone deserves to feel secure, especially when they're in pain.

jajingna : I'm going through a real lot, and none of it is going to go away anytime soon. It's unfortunate that any of us need to suffer with a mental condition, but knowing that we are not alone is a great thing. It gives us something to relate with, and it's a gateway to the kind of support and connection that can help turn a life around. I'm glad that this place exists, and I hope in time we all do a little something good for each other, even if it's just to listen.

NWiddi : I hope things improve. I'll look into the resources you linked, and I thank you for sharing it. A problem I have with things like the suicide hotline is, well... if I want to kill myself, then I will, right? I won't call someone to stop me. On the other hand, I understand how useful it can be for people having a crisis. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to who might give us just enough hope to not go through with something that could do tremendous harm.

TheHeartHasAVoice : We all have things to do - reach out and talk to me when you have the time to do so. There's no obligation and I respect other people's time. The solution to my problems almost seem to be in front of me, but just out of reach. I'm navigating with a broken compass, and I always end up falling off a cliff. I tend to be logical and a problem solver in a way, I suppose. But when the problem becomes complex, like human emotion, I become lost.

Thanks again for everyone who reached out and I look forward to spending time here getting to know people. And hopefully helping some along the way.
 
A

Am33

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
153
Location
Fiji
Society says people with mental issues are weak , not strong , its shown that way in media , movies that the person just doesn't try hard enough that's garbage. The thing is we haven't been given the tools on how to work on our psychology and why its so important . Look up Maslow's Pyramid of needs this should be taught in every school but its not . At the bottom is physical needs , food , shelter . Above that is security needs you feel safe . next comes ego needs self esteem , power , recognition , prestige needs we see that outplayed in ego manic politicians , celebs . At the top of the pyramid is self actualization needs for development, creativity . So our minds aren't getting that they are starved for it just like if the body was starved you have hunger pains , delusions also , break down of the body . That's why we see mental issues on the rise . You can do self therapy also youtube videos , courses in books just like in school you can go as far as you want takes time not a overnight thing years , but that is the way .
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
338
Location
Australia
I've joined this community hoping to find insight and connection with people who may have been through what I'm going through. Mental illness isn't new to me - I'm 33 on the 8th, and I've been struggling with undiagnosed mental and behavioral issues for a long time - but right now, it feels worse than it ever has.


After many years of "no, I don't need therapy, I don't need medication, I can do this on my own" and failing miserably, I attended behavioral therapy for two months. Then, my insurance denied the claim. After exerting myself through sheer will and battling against my ego to see a therapist, I was both devastated and relieved to know I couldn't go anymore. Now I don't know how I'll get myself to begin scouring for an in-network therapist or psychiatrist.


The thing is, even after seeing her for two months, I still hated myself for going to therapy. And I get it: your mental health is just as important as physical health, and if you have a disease or an ailment, you go to the doctor, etc., etc.. Except the tumor the doctor is removing isn't a reflection of you as a person. Going to therapy is, to me, a reflection of my weakness as an individual, an admission that I'm a failure that needs to pay people to hear me talk so I can feel better about myself. Prostitution for the mind. I know that everything I just said is wrong, and I'd never say that to another person seeking help. Why should I say it to myself? Even coming here to talk with people makes me feel shame. Ego?


I've never really wanted to talk about my issues. My ex-girlfriend pressured me a lot to open up to her. "What's wrong? Tell me why you're upset". No, I don't want to. This is how I feel right now, I'm not entirely sure why I feel this way, and talking about things doesn't make them change or go away, I just want to be alone. I explained to her that when I start to open up and talk about how I'm feeling, it just makes me feel worse in the end. I'll regret it, I'll hate the words that came out of me, I'll feel ashamed, and I won't want that person to see me again. You can say, "it's okay, I love you, and I don't think any less of you". And I'll think you're lying, or you just don't want to admit that you think I'm a pretty sad individual. I don't need or want your pity, so let's just drop the subject, and leave me alone until the way I feel changes. I react much the same way from therapy.


I go back and forth between this place where I don't care what people think, and caring only what people think. I go back and forth between understanding I'm an individual with his own history and his own path in life, and comparing myself to others to the point of an inferiority complex. I might get a little better with handling negative thoughts, for a little while, but I always slip back into the bad place. My thoughts are often racing, they cause me anxiety and keep me up at night. I often have this inner dialogue where optimism and positivity becomes this imaginary thing. I don't want to pretend that I'm a success, I want to actually be a success. I have this perfectionist attitude where I'll go above and beyond to achieve something, yet never feel satisfied. And then, I give up so I don't have to feel bad anymore, but, I feel bad for giving up, so I still lose. In ten years, I've lost weight, only to gain it back, only to lose it again, only to gain it back a dozen times. I have every shirt size from medium to 3XL in my wardrobe, a reflection of my inability to be satisfied or love myself.


If you took the time to read this, I am very thankful, and I look forward to being a part of this community. Please understand that it took tremendous energy and courage on my part to write these things. I've been suffering for a long time. I have mood swings that happen suddenly on a daily basis. I'll feel fine, then I'll be angry, then I'll have a crying fit in the middle of the day, and none of it ever makes sense. Some days I'm too fatigued to just do laundry, and some days I have boundless energy. I often find myself avoiding family for stretches of time. I love people in my life very dearly, yet, sometimes I just can't stand them in the slightest. There are times that my best friend of half of my life feels like a threat and I won't talk to him. I have anxiety all the time. I've been drinking heavily lately because I can't deal with the depression, the mood swings, or my twisted thoughts anymore, and I've gone so far as to plot out how I'll commit suicide to escape having to be me anymore.


My confidence has been dwindling over the past several years, and when my relationship of five years ended a year ago, I've been progressively worse. I feel like I'm not good enough, like I have nothing to offer, and that I'm simply not someone that can be loved. My family never seems to enjoy my presence, and I don't seem to enjoy theirs, I feel uncomfortable around them. I get along famously with most co-workers, but that's because the connection is shallow and it's just work. I do have long-distance friends that I talk to, and I live with family, but I'm still lonely. I think even when I was in a relationship, I was lonely. I never feel connected to other human beings. Not the way I think I should.


In the end, I'm not even sure who I am anymore. But I'm going to keep trying to come to terms with my condition, and seek the help that I both need and... deserve, maybe? I want to be a better person for myself, and for other people. I want to feel like I'm in control. I want to feel like I'm happy with life. I want to be happy with my achievements instead of feeling inadequate. I'd like all of this to happen before I'm dead, naturally or otherwise, and I have a bad feeling it won't.


Thanks for reading.
Hey there, I hope you're doing better.

You need to know that it is not natural nor healthy to bottle up emotional turbulence. You wouldn't be human then. The heaviness builds up and your heart will start protesting against you and you won't know what's going on. You will start taking it out on other people and they won't know what's wrong with you.

You have to let go of your pain and what you've done is the first step in getting better. It's an act of courage and honesty but also a common and natural thing to do. I used to not open up and have a similar attitude and still get like that sometimes but I've learnt to not be macho. You can't be macho you have to accept when you need help so you can go back to being strong. Don't think of it as failure, rather think of it as maintenance. Pay attention to the language you use because you might lower your self esteem and that's not helpful. Instead of saying "I see myself as a failure", say "I'm maintaining my health". That's the reality of the issue anyway. Anyone on this earth, whether they are the most unknown person or they are the president, once they go to an extreme for too long they start running towards the opposite. If you climb a mountain, you have to come back down you can't live there...When trees grow fruit, they don't keep them they drop them on the ground....

When someone has a tumor/health issue, they have an ailment and need a doctor. That's how trade has been for centuries (with health anyway). We consult someone and we leave our pride alone. Psychological health is no different. Humans always try to run away from who they are. For example they'll run away from exercise but when they come to their senses they'll go running around the block just to save their life even if it's at midnight. You have to get rid of the pride....the frontal lobes on our brain were built for social communication so it would be a never ending battle trying to handle your emotional pain on your own...consultation is consultation regardless of the context...

There is always a reason why someone feels a particular way and to understand that, they have to open up. What's going on inside has to be processed and analyzed. Doing so initiates change.

It seems when your ex or a therapist gave you therapy, you had an automatic negative response. Possibly a constant mindset/attitude that wouldn't change. And you wouldn't shift from that type of consciousness. I went through something like that. No matter how many times someone would listen and process my pain, I had this immediate negative response and it became a horrible cycle. There is one point where someone told me "you need to come out of it or the world will move on without you". I realized at that point if I didn't start working on myself it was like I was going to stay in my own mental prison/torment. I had become my own enemy. My Psychologist became pretty honest with me one day and told me to my face "I don't know what's wrong with you". I found it funny when I came to my senses. But it was happening because I wasn't applying what other people were telling me. I wasn't making changes. I've heard of someone divorcing their partner because they can't seem to communicate with them anymore as they were lost in their own negative world. I became pretty paralyzed in my own negative thoughts too and was hurting the people around me.

Sometimes we need a wake up call and to help with that we need to move and make changes whether it's inside your mind or within your life. With time the negativity begins to come off in layers and your mood brightens as does your thought process. They are connected and need to work together. You need to nourish both those aspects of yourself. When that happens you'll think the exact opposite of what you previously believed and start seeing clearly.

I know what you are going through. I would assume that people who were giving me therapy were just saying things and making up stories to make me feel better. Or they were just sympathizing but weren't genuine etc. Now that I'm in my senses I wish I never done that because it was cruel for me to assume their intentions. That wasn't my domain, who was I to assume and judge someone who was trying to help me? Once I moved past these lying demons things started getting better.

The heart has to be soft, if it's hard it ends up going against you. Like I said before humans always try to run away from their nature. What you are going through is actually a purification process so your peace of mind can return again.

Regarding this sway between not caring and only caring about what other people think, this is pretty common. Especially now with the information overload we have but also the unstable and ever turbulent change in belief systems and the "isms" that come out every day. Can you talk more about that one in particular? why is that happening? is it because of your work environment? is it because of the changing belief systems in the world? What's the source? If it's from other people then just remember you can't push yourself away from being yourself. You are an individual. You're fingerprints are different from the person next to you. Don't be bullied by other peoples false and ignorant expectations in life. No one can police your soul. We all have our own predisposition, talents etc. We can however appreciate some things about others and apply them to ourselves for our own benefit like health, character traits etc. But your purpose in life isn't to please other humans. You have to be careful also regarding your "standards of success".

For example, many males think that if you don't have the best 6 pack in the world with the lowest body fat percentage then you don't look good. It's brainwashing. They set their standards according to what they see from some media source or magazine. It becomes this false belief system that everyone ends up subscribing to and then people get depressed if they don't look the same. Actually a lot of those guys would end up suffering for example in emergency situations or if having to walk long distances when food is scarce because if you run out of food your body starts eating the fat as an energy source. There are different levels of body fat percentage. There is an extreme point where the level of fat is toxic otherwise it's a normal and natural part of your design as a male to store some fat especially as your metabolism slows.

No normal human walks around with a 6 pack their whole life we are more adaptable than such an over-simplistic view being sold by the media companies. That's why it's important to be careful of what you define as your "standards of success". Let it be an informed one based on reality. Ask the question, "is the standard change that I am thinking of applying based on reality? or is it a misguided view?". Even if it is based in reality and you keep getting an emotional push to apply it, something doesn't sound right if it's eating away at your soul. The drive to achieve and go above and beyond is not always a bad thing. To stay occupied and challenge yourself is great. Is there a reason you're not getting your emotional satiety? do you feel an emptiness no matter what you achieve? or was this unsustainable satisfaction only in the context of weight loss?

Regarding the mood instability, once you process what's going inside and you sense that you are getting the right nourishment and are being understood, the moods will balance themselves out and your mind will settle. Once your mind settles your life and your external world changes for the better too.

My biggest advice is to now give yourself time and attention to sort out what's going on inside and not to be hopeless because this is all resolvable. Keep opening up. Also remember that mood and energy are highly linked so if you are in a low mood you are naturally going to be low on energy. If your mood is good it naturally translates in a change in thought process and other layers of your life. So you're going to be more optimistic and energetic, you are going to perceive problems as being solvable, the future seems brighter etc. Many times when I get in a low mood I perceive my problems as unresolvable, then I go for a long walk in nature and that perception changes to the complete opposite.

So hold on, stay patient and keep initiating the right actions like you did by posting your concern and this will all sort itself out with time.

I lost all my confidence a few years ago but by giving time and attention to what was going on it came back. You are in a recovery process now just like a wound. A wound heals with time and you have to make sure you assist it's healing so consult from sources you sense as helpful. Once you start recovering your social relations will improve (family etc). It's important to be at peace yourself so your surroundings can change. Health is holistic, you have to take it from a "whole perspective". If one part of the system of health is missing, the others are impacted. Just like when you are weight lifting compound movements use multiple muscle groups to support a complex move. If you try to isolate a movement that actually requires use of more muscle groups, you can get injured. Another example is if you are unhappy at work, you'll be unhappy in your family life.

Some things we can tolerate, but when things are unbearable, sort it out. Don't live with pain. Never hold onto boulders. You have to let go and if you are having problems letting go of some source of pain you definitely have to consult someone who you sense can help you.

You definitely deserve and need help and by posting your concern you have done such an excellent thing and have initiated your recovery process. Well done! Everything will clear up with time and your peace of mind will return. Just process what's going on inside so you can breathe...you'll start sleeping better then too.

Happy to help!
 
W

WhatIsNext

Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2020
Messages
8
Location
New Jersey
Hey there, I hope you're doing better.

You need to know that it is not natural nor healthy to bottle up emotional turbulence. You wouldn't be human then. The heaviness builds up and your heart will start protesting against you and you won't know what's going on. You will start taking it out on other people and they won't know what's wrong with you.

You have to let go of your pain and what you've done is the first step in getting better. It's an act of courage and honesty but also a common and natural thing to do. I used to not open up and have a similar attitude and still get like that sometimes but I've learnt to not be macho. You can't be macho you have to accept when you need help so you can go back to being strong. Don't think of it as failure, rather think of it as maintenance. Pay attention to the language you use because you might lower your self esteem and that's not helpful. Instead of saying "I see myself as a failure", say "I'm maintaining my health". That's the reality of the issue anyway. Anyone on this earth, whether they are the most unknown person or they are the president, once they go to an extreme for too long they start running towards the opposite. If you climb a mountain, you have to come back down you can't live there...When trees grow fruit, they don't keep them they drop them on the ground....

When someone has a tumor/health issue, they have an ailment and need a doctor. That's how trade has been for centuries (with health anyway). We consult someone and we leave our pride alone. Psychological health is no different. Humans always try to run away from who they are. For example they'll run away from exercise but when they come to their senses they'll go running around the block just to save their life even if it's at midnight. You have to get rid of the pride....the frontal lobes on our brain were built for social communication so it would be a never ending battle trying to handle your emotional pain on your own...consultation is consultation regardless of the context...

There is always a reason why someone feels a particular way and to understand that, they have to open up. What's going on inside has to be processed and analyzed. Doing so initiates change.

It seems when your ex or a therapist gave you therapy, you had an automatic negative response. Possibly a constant mindset/attitude that wouldn't change. And you wouldn't shift from that type of consciousness. I went through something like that. No matter how many times someone would listen and process my pain, I had this immediate negative response and it became a horrible cycle. There is one point where someone told me "you need to come out of it or the world will move on without you". I realized at that point if I didn't start working on myself it was like I was going to stay in my own mental prison/torment. I had become my own enemy. My Psychologist became pretty honest with me one day and told me to my face "I don't know what's wrong with you". I found it funny when I came to my senses. But it was happening because I wasn't applying what other people were telling me. I wasn't making changes. I've heard of someone divorcing their partner because they can't seem to communicate with them anymore as they were lost in their own negative world. I became pretty paralyzed in my own negative thoughts too and was hurting the people around me.

Sometimes we need a wake up call and to help with that we need to move and make changes whether it's inside your mind or within your life. With time the negativity begins to come off in layers and your mood brightens as does your thought process. They are connected and need to work together. You need to nourish both those aspects of yourself. When that happens you'll think the exact opposite of what you previously believed and start seeing clearly.

I know what you are going through. I would assume that people who were giving me therapy were just saying things and making up stories to make me feel better. Or they were just sympathizing but weren't genuine etc. Now that I'm in my senses I wish I never done that because it was cruel for me to assume their intentions. That wasn't my domain, who was I to assume and judge someone who was trying to help me? Once I moved past these lying demons things started getting better.

The heart has to be soft, if it's hard it ends up going against you. Like I said before humans always try to run away from their nature. What you are going through is actually a purification process so your peace of mind can return again.

Regarding this sway between not caring and only caring about what other people think, this is pretty common. Especially now with the information overload we have but also the unstable and ever turbulent change in belief systems and the "isms" that come out every day. Can you talk more about that one in particular? why is that happening? is it because of your work environment? is it because of the changing belief systems in the world? What's the source? If it's from other people then just remember you can't push yourself away from being yourself. You are an individual. You're fingerprints are different from the person next to you. Don't be bullied by other peoples false and ignorant expectations in life. No one can police your soul. We all have our own predisposition, talents etc. We can however appreciate some things about others and apply them to ourselves for our own benefit like health, character traits etc. But your purpose in life isn't to please other humans. You have to be careful also regarding your "standards of success".

For example, many males think that if you don't have the best 6 pack in the world with the lowest body fat percentage then you don't look good. It's brainwashing. They set their standards according to what they see from some media source or magazine. It becomes this false belief system that everyone ends up subscribing to and then people get depressed if they don't look the same. Actually a lot of those guys would end up suffering for example in emergency situations or if having to walk long distances when food is scarce because if you run out of food your body starts eating the fat as an energy source. There are different levels of body fat percentage. There is an extreme point where the level of fat is toxic otherwise it's a normal and natural part of your design as a male to store some fat especially as your metabolism slows.

No normal human walks around with a 6 pack their whole life we are more adaptable than such an over-simplistic view being sold by the media companies. That's why it's important to be careful of what you define as your "standards of success". Let it be an informed one based on reality. Ask the question, "is the standard change that I am thinking of applying based on reality? or is it a misguided view?". Even if it is based in reality and you keep getting an emotional push to apply it, something doesn't sound right if it's eating away at your soul. The drive to achieve and go above and beyond is not always a bad thing. To stay occupied and challenge yourself is great. Is there a reason you're not getting your emotional satiety? do you feel an emptiness no matter what you achieve? or was this unsustainable satisfaction only in the context of weight loss?

Regarding the mood instability, once you process what's going inside and you sense that you are getting the right nourishment and are being understood, the moods will balance themselves out and your mind will settle. Once your mind settles your life and your external world changes for the better too.

My biggest advice is to now give yourself time and attention to sort out what's going on inside and not to be hopeless because this is all resolvable. Keep opening up. Also remember that mood and energy are highly linked so if you are in a low mood you are naturally going to be low on energy. If your mood is good it naturally translates in a change in thought process and other layers of your life. So you're going to be more optimistic and energetic, you are going to perceive problems as being solvable, the future seems brighter etc. Many times when I get in a low mood I perceive my problems as unresolvable, then I go for a long walk in nature and that perception changes to the complete opposite.

So hold on, stay patient and keep initiating the right actions like you did by posting your concern and this will all sort itself out with time.

I lost all my confidence a few years ago but by giving time and attention to what was going on it came back. You are in a recovery process now just like a wound. A wound heals with time and you have to make sure you assist it's healing so consult from sources you sense as helpful. Once you start recovering your social relations will improve (family etc). It's important to be at peace yourself so your surroundings can change. Health is holistic, you have to take it from a "whole perspective". If one part of the system of health is missing, the others are impacted. Just like when you are weight lifting compound movements use multiple muscle groups to support a complex move. If you try to isolate a movement that actually requires use of more muscle groups, you can get injured. Another example is if you are unhappy at work, you'll be unhappy in your family life.

Some things we can tolerate, but when things are unbearable, sort it out. Don't live with pain. Never hold onto boulders. You have to let go and if you are having problems letting go of some source of pain you definitely have to consult someone who you sense can help you.

You definitely deserve and need help and by posting your concern you have done such an excellent thing and have initiated your recovery process. Well done! Everything will clear up with time and your peace of mind will return. Just process what's going on inside so you can breathe...you'll start sleeping better then too.

Happy to help!
I wanted to take the time to say that I've read everything that you wrote, I wouldn't want you to think it went unnoticed. Thank you for taking the time to say what you did, and I'll do the same, as soon as I feel I have a clear enough mind and a clear enough timeframe to do so. At the moment of this writing, I am not well, and it wouldn't be any good to talk about it or come up with a response for you.

Thank you again.
 
A

Abstract

Active member
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
28
Location
tahlequah
i don't like to blame my bipolar mental state to some trauma either. i just believe it really is a chemical imbalance. thinking about it or trying to find some intellectual answer is futile in my opinion. i may be in the minority here but admitting you do have something that bothers you so much that it becomes a burden on you is on the right track. this is how i became aware of my medication for bipolar disorder ,(Seroquel) it raises the endorphins in the frontal cortex. to get technical about it. but it helps me sleep which is what i needed.
 
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luvyrself

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Phoenix, AZ
In the very first line of your post, you perhaps gave a clue to your dilemma. You are calling you problem "undiagnosed" mental illness. From personal experience and years of experience with bipolar, I would recommend that you go to a psychiatrist for an assessment. Tho many psychologists would refer you to a psychiatrist, mine did not and they missed the most important part of the diagnosis. It's better to get some kind of help than not, but I do not feel that many psychologists are qualified to assess serious or recurring psych problems.
Racing thoughts are a symptom of bipolar, so you were smart to try the bipolar forum. Remember that bipolar 2 (less exaggerated mania) can be hard to recognize. Depression is so obvious that many just stick that label on and you can be given the wrong medication.
Mental illness is a physical illness--something wrong with your brain chemistry. We have to follow various rules for taking care of ourselves, but in general this is not our fault.
I hope you will be kinder to yourself. New Jersey gives you access to some of the best psychiatrists in the world.
 
H

healthybrain

Member
Joined
Oct 11, 2020
Messages
13
Location
usa
I had a rapid cycle of feeling happy one day sad the next the angry the next moment. It all changed once I started seeing someone and got meds. All changed. There is hope, a lot of nice people on this forum saying the same.
 
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