Hallucinations, loss of joy.. Looking for advice..

M

Motherhen

New member
Joined
May 23, 2018
Messages
1
#1
Hello everyone.. I just joined this forum because I am just not sure what to do or how to seek help.. I am a young mother of 3 children 8, 6 and 5 and 6 fur babies (two dogs four cats) The only diagnoses I have for sure is manic depression and anxiety.
Over the last few months I have begun to experience what I think are hallucinations. They started small and non bothersome, things such as shadows in my peripherals and occasional voices calling my name. For the longest time I was kind of like 'OK, strange but I'm aware its not real. Nothing to panic about. This will pass ' but now things have progressed.. I am now daily seeing very clearly things that aren't there. It is most often people walking past me or going into rooms or across the halls (I work in a nursing home) sometimes it's someone standing in a room sometimes it's animals or bugs and other times its just flashes or shapes in my peripheral. I also hear people say things to me usually in my coworkers voice or my children's voices. Nothing menacing just typical day to day normal things like "what are you doing" " mommy I love you " and sometimes my kids crying or laughing. When they aren't there. I am almost always very aware that what I've just seen or heard wasn't real however at work it's different. I am not always sure whether I really did just see someone go in a room, whether I heard something fall or if someone actually was calling for help.. Yesterday while driving this almost caused me to crash my truck, while driving a box truck turned directly in front of me, I swerved hard and stopped. There was no actual truck. I have begun to experience panic and paranoia in relation.. Especially at night when it's at its worst..
I'm unsure if it's related but I am also going through a depression episode. The stress from the hallucinations adds into it.. But I have found I just don't feel happiness anymore. I haven't in a while. I have not experienced a real moment of joy in months. I am often down or just simply existing and going through the motions. I usually would prefer to be asleep over anything else. I am always so tired.. I work overnights. Take my kids to school and boyfriend to work in the morning then go home and sleep. I wake up, pick them up, go home and usually lay right back down then go back to work. I rarely have the energy for the kids or the animals leaving the load on my boyfriend. Which leaves me with immense guilt over not giving my kids the attention they deserve from me.. When I am up and awake I tend to be angry almost to the point of rage. I get angry at every little thing every little noise.. I often get worked up to the point of wanting to harm myself and sometimes it goes as far as thoughts of harming my pets and other people ( which I have never acted on note do I think I would)
I feel like I'm a mess and like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.. I feel like I can not find happiness or normalcy.. I don't know where to look for help. I was turned away from my doctor appointment on the 17th for lapsed insurance which I wasn't aware of. I feel I need help now and can't wait for my insurance to be reinstated but I don't know if it's er worthy or if they can even do anything.. And I worry, what if they try to admit me? I feel though that might be helpful I just can't have that happen. I have my job I can't afford to lose and I wouldn't have anyone to be there for my children.. I'm just at a loss.. I guess I'm looking for kind words, advice.. Anything.. Thank you all
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,746
Location
Europe
#2
Hi and :welcome: motherhen, I hope you are feeling better. It sounds like you have quite a lot on your plate, with the shift work and the large family and depression. But the hallucinations sound like something you can’t afford to ignore, it could have serious consequences, and over here it is possible to be banned from driving because of an illness like that.

You seem to have put quite a lot of stress on yourself, maybe you should consider some ways to relax more? It may be that life will force you to relax more if you don’t do it yourself... often that is the way things go, you push until something says “stop”.

I’m sending you lots of good wishes, hope you will find on the forum what you’re looking for.
 
V

Vanessagail

Active member
Joined
Apr 22, 2017
Messages
31
#3
I agree, Don't do all of this alone. Make friends with ppl you can trust who are very responsible and caring, lean on them at times. Delegate chores to kids, some days you just need to rest. Just make sure you are not expected to do everything alone. I let someone now my grass since I don't care for that chore, hey it gets done lol. Call a hotline when you are afraid or better yet a great friend if you believe in prayer, that's what I do. When you are angry step away go into another room or outside to be alone to breathe, pray, write in your journal as you would take to your therapist,don't interact with anyone when you are angry. Don't expect perfection, try everday, even if all you can do is a shower, cook meals and take a walk. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, listen to what your body is feeling. If you are tired, sleep, hungry,eat, sad, cry, etc Stay in touch with your Dr. Bless you
 
C

coffeetime

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2018
Messages
4
#4
I hope you are doing better? It sound's a little scary. You need to take care of you first and for most. Its like that saying, when your on a plane going down you have to put your mask of first before you can help others. You are a mom and need to be in a good place so that you can take care of your little ones. I use to have alot of rage too. Later I found out it was from some stuff in the past that I had stuffed away. I don't know if this maybe the case with you to or not. Try to get back to your Dr. till then something that I take is Garlic and fish oil pills. Its all natural and it can help as a mood stabilizer. I have to take a lot of them sometimes and you can smell pretty bad but it might help. Good luck I sure hope you get better soon.
 

Similar threads